When does choosing love at every instant become easy and obvious?

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Wow, I did not expect such thought to go into these questions, Coordinate_Apotheosis. It turns out I needed that attention more than I thought: I've read your post twice and certain parts many times. Thank you.

Before I respond to anything specifically, let me just say that your responses make it impossible for me to react negatively. Not negatively toward you, but negative toward myself. Oftentimes I will be reading something written by a wise soul, such as Buddhist texts, or some literature by a saint, or a particularly insightful post by some evolved soul on this forum, and for some reason I will interpret an obviously wise segment as a reason to look down on myself. For example, whenever I read someone talking about how man continues to choose ignorance, and man's tendency to choose ignorance, I get this twinge of guilt/shame. It feels like they're describing me, not mankind in general.

This makes me feel immensely more at peace, I thought I was the only one who did this!  I remember the first and only time I convinced myself I couldn't be a healer (which came literally right before the hour I came to believe I was in literally hell) and it was because I felt exactly what you described.
How do I, a pathetic excuse for a human being who may very have been less than nothing (as I saw myself at that moment back then), possibly even approach a fraction of the love and light others seemed to give so easily???

The answer I see now, was to just try and not freak out over my 'lesser' self-perceptions upon myself.  It showed me that this happened to me because I was lacking the most important thing a healer needs.  Self Love/Forgiveness.

OH, and uh...Thank you for the kind words, but I don't want you to see my words as 'saintly'.  They're very human, they could even be wrong and not similar to how another experienced things.  I admit I would describe the sensations of mindfulness, peacefulness, conscientiousness, and bliss that I experienced in 2014 as 'saint-like', with a few moments of almost transcendental patience and love...  One such moment was when my mom began a fight with me out of nowhere because she didn't like how calm I had become to everything.  I recognized she was just trying to blame something for her misery, and I said it gently but sternly.  I've never seen my mother suddenly forfeit a fight with a dumbfounded face and silence.  It was to me, a lesson learned in not letting another damage myself by just being honest about my perceptions.
Yet, I also look back at my own self and feel exactly what you described when reading such of others...  It's...Very depressing sometimes looking at who I am now, and who I was then...  I was helpful and useful and joyous and spontaneous and everything I wanted to always be.  Now, I'm just another joe-shmobody.
So I understand where you're coming from.

If you might benefit from it, I want to share my understanding of ignorance from a polarity spectrum.  Subtle-work speaking, ignoring for the moment that ignorance belongs to the ignorance/understanding dichotomy, I want to explore the depth of the purely 'ignorance dichotomy'.  Ignorance has been used to negatively insult others at times so I feel it has a negative connotation attached to it socially.

Ignorance to me is belonging to two other things, Innocence, and Apathy.  On the right hand side of the spectrum of ignorance's dichotomy is innocence.  Innocence in that they do not know.  As Jesus spoke with this realization in mind of 'ignorance' as an integral part of the 3D experience, 'Forgive them for they do not know'.  In ignorance we do not know, typically.  Then on then on the left hand side of ignorance is it's twisted cousin, apathy.  When one knows of something, and chooses to be ignorant of it (the homeless man sleeping on the bench they jog by every morning for instance) they are applying apathy to the situation.

Ignorance is something to be met by others with forgiveness and it's opposite, understanding, in order to be of aid.  You should meet the ignorance in yourself with understanding, and forgive.

The word forgive to me is cute...It literally describes the act it produces, for-giving.  You give for another, to forgive the self is to give to the self for the self.  To forgive another-self is to give to the self for the other-self.

I forgive you, and I don't even need a reason

I wonder how much of that is because I truly am attached to ignorance, and how much is because I am attached to the lower vibration states of guilt and shame. Maybe those two are one and same! - perhaps ignorance IS feeling guilt and shame...

Ignorance is a summary of the beginning of ANY 3D entity.  No one in 3D is born not ignorant.

Further, I want to be a bit infringing and just detach this link you've made of ignorance to guilt and shame, as I see this as nothing more than a self-perpetuating feedback loop to debase the self.  You are ignorant, I am ignorant.  WE DON'T KNOW!



guilt and shame belong to themselves, maybe there is some connection from ignorance to guilt and shame such as you have experienced, but I think this is you transforming your self-perception of ignorance with despair of sorts, warping feelings of ignorance into feelings of guilt and shame.  I suggest this possibility because I used to do this very recently, and have only just lately begun to explore those relationships.  I saw it as an attachment to the engine that fuels my hatred and anger, and so I dismantled it after undoing the nuts and screws and bolts that were 'unworthiness'.

Anyway, I don't feel that when I read your responses. You emanate a vibration of humility, and genuine earnest desire to assist. You act as if I am your equal... which is something I really struggle to accept, I've been caught in this cycle of degrading my self-worth for a long, long time. So thanks for that.

I do have a genuine earnest desire to be of service.  Imagine my discontent that I suck so Haaard at it.

I struggle to accept myself as equal to others...  I'm weird, odd, strange, different, isolated and lonely, hard to make friends, yet I get along with almost everyone, yet when people get to know me they don't want to be around me anymore.  Trying to see others as equal was impossible for me until I begun the exercise of seeing self as creator in the mirror then seeing other as creator.  I bypassed a lot of feelings that way, and in some ways healed many of them.  Those exercises to become the creator as very healing, so long as you don't assault yourself when the state inevitably ends, one does not become the creator and remain so, we must continually re-become the creator because we are humans who offer the catalyst to our soul to allow it to over and over re-experience itself from a placement of 'separation'.  Human, Soul, Creator, the One Infinite sure does have it's ways of getting what it wants lol.

And again, I feel a part of your self-degradation is getting shame and guilt out of feeling ignorant.  There's a saying...

Ignorance is Bliss

My reply to this: Truth is Decadence.

Which do you prefer?  Bliss or Decadence?  I personally like the idea of Truth being attached to the deterioration of the Human Being.  Dissolving them back into the dissolution of 'The Truth'.  Some people view decadence as negative, I have for a long time seen something good of it.  For something to become decadent and overtly self-indulgent, eroding itself, is the very aspect of what happens when we become the creator for longer than we are supposed to be.  It erodes us, and forces us to have to work even harder to return to that state.  Overindulging in the truth is dangerous, Ra gave us some truth, and it almost killed Carla.  I became the creator in a matter of months and held the state for almost a year, and I crashed down into hellish realities.

Be happy, you know, just be happy, don't look for a reason, just 'be'.  I used to have the motto, Just Be And Enjoy.  It's extremely hard to 'just be' as a being who has 'become' from almost entirely external stimuli response, but if we can incite the 'stimuli response' internally (rather than externally from say, a rainbow snow cone YUM...), then we can be happy that way.

Problem is figuring out how to incite responses from internally, most people do this by 'thinking happy thoughts', but this suggestion has been...Nullified by it's manner of almost sarcastic usage.  Don't just think a happy thought, feel it deeply, do this again and again.  You'll train your brain through application of conscious will to produce the physical response of happiness by your own will.  Just one aspect of bliss from becoming Creator.  You acquire a handle over your many parts, including the brain's release of neurotransmitters.

Again though, the only problem herein lies balance, if you squeeze the brain dry of it's chemicals to induce naturally happiness, you're not going to be very happy (lol.).

Your answer to 1), that is huge. Immediately I thought of the Christlike saint, smiling, radiating love... does this being, then, know its shadow self to the very same extent that it knows its light self? Reversing polarities, does the harvestable service-to-self being know its light self perfectly well? If so, that means that the saint and the 'shadow-saint,' I'll call him, are utterly equal in earthly wisdom and acceptance, it's just that the saint's being at that space/time nexus prefers light, while the shadow-saint's being at that nexus prefers shadow.

I begin my response to the majority of this set of questions as, I don't know.
I can speculate though.  I discovered a shallow portion of my shadow self, and with that little bit was able to accept myself.  I think it depends for the sto entity just how deeply they wish to explore their darkness.

I wanted it all, so I jumped right into the rabbit hole and I didn't clench onto anything until I was in what I call, the 'Darkest Darkness'.  Some very strange characters of myself exist down there, at this time of writing I already have several flashes of visualizations of the aspects of myself down there, and how warped they've become.  The most comedic to me is the 'killer clown' part of myself engendered by the group Insane Clown Posse when I was in high school.  I pushed that away and not it resurfaces as something much worse with a lot of 'insanity' and 'murder' in mind directed at me.  Another character I met very early on was the 'serial killer'.  Which instantly drew connotations to the show Dexter, and I instantly recognized my longing feeling of equality towards 'Dexter' as this part of me manifesting emotionally.  I feel ashamed admitting this, but I've done so on this forum before in vivid detail.  Sometimes I want to murder people.  Like the guy raping another guy in a porn video on 4chan, or the girl who ruined someones entire life with lies, or the elderly person who blames the world's problems on my generation.  I'm pretty messed up down there in that Darkest Darkness.  There's a rapist in there.  A genocidal dictator.  A devil.  An incubus.  There's a slave master in there too, there's a lot of bits and pieces of myself from this life and past ones that sit in there.

I'm not a saint.  I'm a lover, and a monster.  Oh, there's also a legitimate 'monstrous' part of me in there that I can't even approach because it's a doorway to the next level of darkness, something beyond darkness, and I do not want to go there LOL.

So with all of that in mind, I can only say it truly is unique and dependent from one entity to the next.  Maybe some share similarities and this allows them to unify easier.  I do think some form of exploration for both sto and sts entities in their darkness and light respectively is healthy and necessary to further hone and engender the energies of light and dark in contrast to dark and light to reach extreme levels of polarization.

I can't speak of the light-saint/dark-saint dichotomy except to say the sts extreme polarized entity probably has no need to look at it's completeness, as it is a choice of separating from that completeness to become wholly its self.  Darkness is light.  Extremely polarized Sts entities don't concern themselves with that dichotomy I think, to them they have separated from it and are leading themselves, the only concerns to them are how to use the reality about them to their advantage.  Exploring the self's lightness doesn't do much for them, but maybe some of them do explore it to better learn how to manipulate it.  I think it strongly depends on an entity to entity basus.

But I want to say, I think of the Legend of Zelda describing this...  When Link in the water temple's reflecting pool meets his shadow self.


In Link's case, his shadow self was stronger than he was, faster, more agile.  If you swung at him the wrong way he'd leap on your sword, and in a moment of awe, strike you through your own attack flipping backwards off your sword landing on his feet as you flew backwards onto your back, he was that much more 'superior' in terms of skill, and yet Link had more at his disposal, tools and a guide (megaton hammer, bow and arrow, the infamous 'HEY, LISTEN!  I can't identify this enemy's weakness!' Navi fairy of his), and comes to defeat his shadow self.

I think we can see in that way that sometimes darkness inside a person is greater than the light they currently manifest (link was weaker than shadow link).  With this in mind, it can be said that as that person explores their darkness (link getting brutally beat by his self), they learn the polar equivalent to higher tiers of light and unlock their potential to be manifest inside of the self (Link discovering how to defeat his shadow side).

I'm sure Link discovered how brutal it was to face himself...  And grew to be stronger in a gentler way because of it.

I don't have a straight answer for your assumption of the equalized positive/negative qualities in an individual, I think for a pure equality to exist, one would walk what I used to consider the 'Middle Path', one of Neutrality, one of Balance, one of being beyond Polarity to serve polarity directly rather than through polarity itself.  So I can't say such a thing exists on Earth, but perhaps in another 3D world...?

Actually, I may have just run across a distorted perception of light/dark - how is it that all is Love if love is one of the choices of polarity? What I mean is, for love to be able to be All That Is, how can it be a choice, directly opposite darkness?

How can the thing that transcends both options BE one of the options? That would mean that one of the two options (love) is actually infinitely greater than the other option (darkness) and therefore they are not equal options. Hope I'm being clear here...

The word paradox applies here.  Also, the the Sto polarity of 'Love' shouldn't be confused with it's undistorted source which we can only approximate by calling Unconditional Love, it is really much more than that but the words to describe such do not seem to exist if Ra's inability to describe it any better than Unconditional Love is any indicator.

But I too have felt that the darkness is sort of shafted in the long run, the Logos itself has a bias towards the positive polarity, so the negative polarity is truly in a way on it's own.  Like, assuming the Hidden Hand Dialogue is correct, and the Illuminati is real, they were given ruling over Earth, and they did so very well for a long time, and now it's all coming back against them, the collective human response to their presence has become GTFO MY PLANET [insert insult here] it seems.  So really the equality is an illusion in some ways.  Negative polarity can't get beyond 6D.  Negative polarity is greatly lesser in population to positive polarity.  They're akin to the dark spot of the sun.  This mimics itself in scientific observation that Darkness is not real, it is just the Absence of Light, and if everything is Light, then darkness truly is indicative to the descriptor 'absence of'.

You'd almost feel bad for them if they didn't give a f*** less about you

I strongly suggest the immediate contemplation deeply of why one wants to leave 3D and how they're possibly going to do that with such a desire.

I just came across this concept very recently, how synchronous; I must be ready for this lesson. Let me find the quote...

Here it is, in Sri Swami Satchidananda's translation and commentary of the Yoga Sutras:

If you are unsettled and anxious to get the result, you are already disturbed; nothing done with that disturbed mind will have quality.

So I think I am merely anxious to leave third density earth, rather than eager to serve others. And because serving others unconditionally will unlock the door out of third density, I desire to serve others. Not because of the joy of serving others, but because of my own selfish desire to leave. Muad-dib, you mentioned this, that I should examine my ulterior motives for service.

I think everyone when they first learn of heaven instantly desires to go their in death compared to the other option.  But to be fair, this is a philosophical device...  Pascal's Wager

So when you learn of Harvest and what it takes to get there, you're instantly sucked into following that because Pascal's Wager pretty much says you'd choose to do that because the other option is obviously not desirable.

Yet, I don't think any higher entity gets 'bored' of endless bliss and love, I don't think that makes any sense given their access to what they have.  How easy it is for a 3D being to say a 4D, 5D, or 6D being can become 'bored' at what they inherently are.  I do think they acquire incredibly moving and worthy reasons to move into 3D such the want to help another incarnating, or a want to work on something not possible without the 'separation' illusion activated.

If we remove the thought that in those higher densities we only come here because we're bored, we might unlock a road leading to the real reasons and lessons we came here.

how does desire for giving love differ from desire for personal peace and inner joy

It does as an intellectually minded human.
It doesn't for an entity working beyond the intellectual mind.

Is this because as one progresses, the line between self and other-self thins and then dissipates? Are you at this point?

I can't say a thinning occurred, it was more of a deepening of understanding acquired from the lesson "Look at another, see the Creator" in tandem with "Look in the mirror, see the Creator".  Further I wouldn't apply the becoming of Creator to a thinning of separation, you are in separation becoming Creator, there isn't any thinning as much as a deeper understanding of the reality around you as being an illusion, and that the other 3D entities around you are on a very very deep level literally you.

Like the rock containing a crystal interior...  How long was it regarded a mundane dull rock before it's crystalline insides were discovered and it's value to others rose?  Does it matter or is what matters that this was discovered?  We need to look for the beautiful crystal soul interior of others through their dull human exterior.  The intellectual mind looks at another and judges them.  The faculties beyond the intellectual mind have no reason to judge, or label, or provide explanation, it accepts things as is, it just is as it just is.  It has a deeper understanding of reality I think.

You will find yourself as you polarize sort of moving through layers of reality from a still position, like in the show Futurama, the Planet Express's delivery ship doesn't move through space, it makes space move around it.  You'll experience that.  It's different for everyone, some people experience is as reality becoming dreamlike, others view it as sudden inconsistencies in reality (mandela effect), and some even experience it as their reality changing before their very eyes without any physical changes being observed.

It's strange, I feel very familiar with this experience of life. Notably the dreamlike quality of life. When I go out in public (which is not often) it seems unreal and hyperreal simultaneously. Like an intensely vivid lucid dream. But I often feel spiritually and mentally underequipped to deal with that level of hyperawareness. I think that some of this is a result of my past (2 years ago) deep diving into the higher realms using psychedelics, notably ketamine, DMT, LSD, salvia, marijuana, DXM, morning glory seeds.

I would do high doses (usually past the point of being connected to reality physically) and lay in my dorm room either in silence or with music, so that I could experience the music as a musical/physical/cerebral combination. I never had a bad experience, but I went there too often to process the lessons, and therefore became extremely unbalanced, resenting the physical world around me. The last two years, I think, have been a karmic rebalancing process of which I believe I am reaching the end.

These two years have forced me to pay attention to the lower states, but the first year I completely resisted all lower chakra experience... so I was utterly miserable, by choice, for that period of time. I don't really know why I'm telling you this, but it came out naturally and it felt good to say! Which is I think what matters.

Regards the bold, this is definitely a chakra imbalance with the higher chakras being more active than the lower, you might even have some major holes or injuries to your aura, so I'd suggest to you to consider stopping for a good long while with the psychedelics with weed as an exception as long as you don't use it in tandem with spiritual practices ALL the time.  I don't even recognize 3 of those 7 drugs you mentioned lol...

However, you have those experiences now, and even if they have damaged you, this just leaves all the more room to heal.  I think your first lessons should be a play on the one's Ra gave.

Look at the physical world around you, see the Creator (and Forgive)
Look at the physical world around you, see Love (and Forgive)
Look at The Moment, see Love (and Forgive)
Look at yourself, and Forgive.

"The last two years, I think, have been a karmic rebalancing process of which I believe I am reaching the end. "
ME TOO.  I became the Creator far beyond what I could handle, and the rubber band effect of snapping back really messed me up, but now it's all coming to an end and I can feel it, I'm ready to no longer be the monster/lover or lover/monster, but once again the Creator.

You told me this exactly the same way I randomly give snippits and tidbits of myself to others...  I greatly love that you did that, I literally thought I was reading my own words when I read, "I don't really know why I'm telling you this, but it came out naturally and it felt good to say! Which is I think what matters." When this happens, I believe it is the deeper parts of us giving to one another, trying to share ourselves for the purpose of love, understanding, forgiveness, and healing, I greatly admire this.

I really, really, extremely, intensely, desperately miss those places. I miss the realm where everything is easily controllable by mind, where there is no heavy body to have to pay attention to and cater to. I miss the realm where every being you come across is quite obviously inextricably linked to your own self, in fact there is no difference. And you can communicate with these beings without fear and indeed, with immense pleasure, because their answers feel like they are simply reminding you about something rather than teaching you.

Again, I admire this sharing of the soul openly and honestly.  I personally miss...I just miss feeling Loved, and like I'm not alone or an alien and some kind of strange monster in a place that one day might up and torch me for my being born strange.  I once had a dream, it was extremely vivid, more real than this reality, and it was all blue, almost indigo blue...  There was an old man who was hunched with a really long beard reaching down to his waist, and a cane, and he was sitting at a picnic table in an open area with a large tower nearby.  I remember there was music and it was like a soul singing, and the old man was agile, able to bend his knees and dance, straighten his back and swing his hips and arms, he was sitting at the table then jumped up and began moving to the music.

And I woke up literally with a soaked pillow because something inside of me was just screaming, I WANT THIS BACK, I'm tearing up just recalling it...  I remember my best friend of the time (same one I apologized to a little over a week ago) was sleeping over in the same bed with me, and how happy I was that she had already awoken and wasn't in the room with me because I could not stop crying for the next five minutes just sitting there in bed with my face buried in an already soaked pillow.

In your own words, "I don't really know why I'm telling you this, but it came out naturally and it felt good to say! Which is I think what matters."

There's some untapped well of emotion, musical emotion, intense vibratory joy, something, I don't know what... that has been unconsciously swelling within me, that I occasionally become aware of, that was penetrated a little more just now. During these times the world makes perfect sense, and the only thing to do is follow that - thing, sensation, awareness - until I have lost track of it and fall back into the hardlined, physical material world.

This sounds exactly like your Love bubbling to the surface despite the cork on the well it is contained within trying to stop it.

That thing, sensation, awareness, may very well be, your Love.

Holy s***, I am overcome with sorrow that this thing is ever separate from me. I am thankful, right now, that I have maintained a steady practice of meditation. Before I began meditating, this sensation of being separated from the most beautiful thing in the world would drive me into a blind frenzy, sometimes rage, sometimes a wild-eyed psychedelic state in which everybody was reduced to merely audience members in my show. This is imbalance. I feel that right now, but I am concentrated in mind enough to recognize that I am avoiding something.

Regards the bold, separation is a very rigid and vivid illusion.  You came here specifically to feel this, then regardless, still attempt to be yourself as an eternal identity currently molded into a human identity.  With that said, regards the italics, for the majority of 2015 as I felt I was literally in hell, I would become that, several times daily.  I called it 'losing my mind' because in them I would go crazy with murder fantasies, bloody, gruesome, vivid, grotesque, deeply jarring and disturbing imagery of just an endless slaughter of all the 'monsters and demons' around me masquerading as souls and humans, wanting to get 'banned' from Earth by going on a serial killer spree, wanting to find a way to destroy Earth, and purge existence from being.  In some ways, I took all of those emotions and channeled them into my novel character, Sky 'the Woman in the Red Dress' Love, the final antagonist who IS god and has been working towards total permanent destruction of the One Infinite Creator, basically herself.

Those emotions have also warped my inner darkness, as I expressed them they evolved and grew, and now my once simple and lovable shadow self I once knew is no more, and has become 'the destroyer of worlds' and is now hundreds upon hundreds of fragmented shards of personality (I want to say there's around 15k ish, the last time I did a 'mental inventory' I had the number 15832 pop into my mind), and these 'fragments' are of my original shadow self, and that number expands or retracts the more I heal myself or damage myself.  I might never get to become Creator again because of this, I view it as the 'personality fragmenting' or 'shattering' from attempting archetype work before I was ready.

Further, my identification as a monster comes from this time especially, 2015 was a dark horrible place for me.  I looked upon the darkness and found it stares back, but only one of us becomes changed.



And in this way, I was permanently damaged in some way, there will ALWAYS be that monster inside of me now, it will not move, it stands guard to those places beyond darkness, I reached it and it awaits me just as the lions outside the courtyard of the heart awaited me, but it too stands guard, only if I approach it before I'm ready, it will literally consume me.  I don't go there anymore, I don't dare to.  I haven't gone into the outer courtyard of the heart for over a year now, because I am devastatingly terrified of what is in there now...  I won't find a bunch of masked characters, I won't find monsters, I'm going to find myself, only I don't know if I want to know the me that can be now.  I don't know if I want to face what I am become, I don't know, because I dread and despair with terror that if I do, my kindness will be stripped of me, my love will be snuffed out, that I will re-emerge from the courtyard a hollow broken husk of what I was, with nothing left to do but wait for the end of life for the healing of the afterlife to set me straight.

I do not believe myself ready just yet, but I have been preparing to go back into that place...  I just wish I didn't need to do it all alone...

I guess I still do not understand how to perfectly release this energy into the physical world in a manner that benefits others. This is probably because my desire is still largely tainted with selfish motive.

It's like I have access to a fraction of the higher chakra power that I would have if I were balanced and entirely selfless. *hits forehead* duh...

I am out of words for now. The rest of your response helps a lot; even today I've had bits and pieces of it floating through my mind. I don't have a response to it, except for

Thank You

In seflishness lies selflessness.  The One Infinite in every instance of servicing itself through it's other self is despite being of service to 'other' still servicing it's self.  The pain of servicing the self to a sto entity is in the confusion of believing it has been sts, when sto entities NEED to be selfish in order to not burn themselves out, or make choices like meeting an attacker with love resulting in their (otherwise premature) death.

Don't believe that your selfishness in lieu of wanting to be selfless is bad.  Are you familiar with the argument that it is impossible to not be selfish no matter what you do?  How does a sto being possibly be of service to another then if selflessness is not possible?!  How does one polarize in light of the realization they are always in some way serving the self even in an attempt to serve another?

Remember that sto and sts are of the same thing, with the differences emerging in the depths of each polarity, both being the same thing with subtle differences.  You can't be selfless without being selfish.  You can't be selfish without being selfless.

It's the intent that matters.

You already have a fraction of those chakras aiding you every day.  You have the indigo ray which guides and intuits information to you, you have the blue ray which allows you to express yourself both to yourself and others as well as empowers you as a co-creator, you have the violet ray that helps you move towards where you desire to be (helps re-create you), and you have the green ray, which steadily awaits you eternally patient with love to give to you what you always had so you may give it finally to others.

I love you for your honestly, and in return I thank you for giving me the chance and time of day to become of service to you.  -hug-

If you ever have more questions to throw at me that aren't on topic of this thread, I'll gladly accept them in my Journal thread in the treehuggers forum