Lotsa Questions

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Dear C A,
After I read your post i had an inner dialogue, i couldnt resist posting it.
I hope you dont find it un-compassionate, since i clearly can see myself in you!

"Oh, i heard you re done with anger, hate and rage directing to people. Is that true? Why is it?"
"Oh, yes! I found it is unloving and causes pain, so i decided to never do it again!"
"Oh, thats a good choice! But i can see you're now directin that same rage against yourself"
" well, maybe, but thats different!"
"What is the difference?"
"i am an idiot, i should have known better. I deserve it!"
"Oh, so you're done with hurting people with your rage unless they are idiots that deserve it?"
"Well, mmhhh, aahh, yes. Because i am a stupid idiot who should have known better and i deserve it!"
"So, to be honest, you're still in the exact game?"
"Ah, well, hmm, yes. But it looks much better now !"
"So, although you know better and pretend to step out of the game, you feel driven for some reason to carry it on? Because you considerit justified?
Isnt that exactly what you did back then? Can you see you still havent enough consciousness in it to stop it?
Can you imagine you had less consciousness back then, and understand you had no other choice? Just like now you dont seem to have no other choice than attacking yourself?"

I can deeply relate to you. There is a part in me that is exactly the same.
You can help me in healing this when you accept healing and forgiveness.
As can I.
I will do my best, dear brother!

This made me smile a big stupid idiot grin.

I want to justify myself, say something like 'this is different, I choose to do this intentionally to myself whereas back then I didn't intentionally want to so deeply harm another, I was blind and numb'

But the reality seems to more closely resemble what you've pointed out.  I'm direction that which still is around inwardly, though I do do this to better observe myself as well.

I promise you, my feelings expressed here are very deep ones that I don't typically express even when I'm alone by myself.  I'm not constantly this way towards myself, but I did realize thanks to my expressing these feelings openly that I do feel these things more often that I was aware of and that it was pretty seriously effecting me.

I feel some resistance to being called 'unconscious' as well, which is my own trigger for some reason.  I guess I just don't like feeling like the one thing I believe I am, I'm not.  That's how I originally gave up on the prospect of ever being a healer.

Still though, I am a fool.  I look at my life and would identify myself as an idiot, who for the reasons for failing myself so damn often, does need to suffer for it to motivate me to stop screwing up my life so much.

I once in middle school went trick or treating dressed as 'the village idiot' in my casual attire.  People believed me.

Guess I'm a pretty convincing fake idiot lol.