my mental illness and medication are ruining my life

[Glow]

Thanks everyone. Thanks for the video IndigoGeminiWolf, I liked it.
I feel a lot better and back to normal grounding now. It's hard to meditate, it can be a bad experience for me sometimes. My monkey mind feels under attack (There is a voice in my head telling me that I will shoot myself. That's its only message)  I do want to quit drugs, and get back out of this but I'm on a train and jumping out isn't a means of survival. I could do worse off drugs, I could do better. I could do worse on drugs, I could do better. I've been down a fragile path, and I don't know where anything is going, I feel like a loser. I feel like the end is always near and I'm going to be far away from this any second now... I want to live long and be wise but nothing is ok in my head. Doctors only can prescribe questionable chemical complexes and listen, and they by law can't tell me about themselves or their life experiences so they legally can't even help me on things I say.

Keep fighting for your healing you are worth it.
I think your thought process on the med situation is very balanced an sensible.

On that voice that says the shooting thing. Having recently experienced something simular I thought the advice I was given might also be useful for you.

i don't have thought that aren't in keeping with my personality so I assume I'm not hearing other people's thought in general, but about two months ago for a month I kept thinking about hanging myself. No reason, I'd be happy then suddenly this thought would come.

I suspected it wasn't my thought because hanging sounds horrible, even on the darkest day of my life I'd not be someone to hang, if i had to go I could pick something less horrible. Yet I felt deep preassure from this thought. It was bad enough I suggested we needed to move incase I was picking up something from a neighbor. I am super sensitive to energy so it's possible.

Anyways long storey short I got a phone call from a friend that someone he knew had hung themself, he mentioned that all month he had been having dreams about this person hanging himself, he even got the location correct. I said a prayer for the deceased and asked they cross over and find peace and healing.  The dreams and thought stopped because they were not ours.

I had never even met the man, didn't even know his name, had heard about him from my friend and I did think about this fellow frequently so I guess I'd formed a connection.

I spoke to a minister at a spiritual church via email and he told me it was telepathy and somehow we had energeticly been hearing this fellows thoughts. I was told that a way to deal with these thoughts if it occurs again was like Ra says "discipline of the mind". Meditation and bringing that discipline of the mind into life. Soooo I'm not sure that is any help at all but consider that shooting thought might not be yours. Had I known the hanging one wasn't me I'd have likely prayed that the source of this thought experience love and healing. No harm there. If it's your thought you are blessing yourself,    if it's someone else's you are turning that energy around and sending love back.

im not sure if any of that was helpful.    know I care. I'd like you freed from having to hear that. I only had my hitch hiker thought for a month and it was rough!!! You are clearly very strong.

I will pray for that voice if you do too. I will pray for it anyways. never give up.