my mental illness and medication are ruining my life

[im_not_me]

Thanks everyone. Thanks for the video IndigoGeminiWolf, I liked it.
I feel a lot better and back to normal grounding now. It's hard to meditate, it can be a bad experience for me sometimes. My monkey mind feels under attack (There is a voice in my head telling me that I will shoot myself. That's its only message) I do want to quit drugs, and get back out of this but I'm on a train and jumping out isn't a means of survival. I could do worse off drugs, I could do better. I could do worse on drugs, I could do better. I've been down a fragile path, and I don't know where anything is going, I feel like a loser. I feel like the end is always near and I'm going to be far away from this any second now... I want to live long and be wise but nothing is ok in my head. Doctors only can prescribe questionable chemical complexes and listen, and they by law can't tell me about themselves or their life experiences so they legally can't even help me on things I say.