my mental illness and medication are ruining my life

[Billy]

I have bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and right now things are getting intense. Im always angry and pissed off at my two sisters and their kids i live with. I dont like it and i cant help it, i want to love them but i cant. I know im a good person its just something in the way.

I think the fact that you want to love your sisters really shows where your heart is and the contents of it. It is one of the most frustrating things having all this love in your heart but feeling as though you are unable to express it. The love IS there though and I am willing to bet that you understate the love that you DO show your sisters. We are often our harshest critics.

Further one of my medications - seroquel causes extreme drowsiness and is sometimes used as a sleeping pill in low doses. But im prescribed it for my mentality, and i take obsurd high doses to mask my violent / psychotic tendencies. My family doesnt understand and refuses to do their own research and label me lazy for sleeping around ten hrs a day avg and being on disability. In fact, i just got physical with a sister because she said all i do is sleep all day and was outside my room, in living room talking about me negatively with her daughter. I was doing my best to ignore it but something took over and i started screaming nonsense about how i cant help it and whatnot at them and my sister tried punching me a few times because i was so angry and i pushed her really hard away and she fell down, but not badly. Now im sitting her verge of tears and dont know what to do. ..ive been suicidal for a long time and just want it now more than ever. I need my brother and sisters of sorrows help

Medication sucks, I'll be honest. I have been diagnosed with 'depression' and have been on medication in the past, but am currently not taking any. I do strongly recommend though that you do not come off of your medication just yet, considering your current state. You have to be really very careful when it comes to medications such as these as coming off of them can be unpleasant (to put it mildly). There are people on this board who have had similar experiences and think listening to them is wise.

Meditation, even just a few minutes a day, may prove to be helpful for you. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant, just lying down for a few minutes with a focus on the breath. Trying to remain present throughout your day and focusing on what is right, even if its just something small like a beautiful flower or delicious food, can offer you some relief. Another thing I have been trying is to imagine myself having conquered all of my problems, learnt my lessons and being where I wish to be, and then feeling the relief and joy that would come with that. If you struggle with visualising (like myself), then try to just feel the feelings. Every little bit counts.

I wish you well I'm_not_me. I'll be thinking about and keep you in my prayers. Love and light and blessings to you my friend. Hang in there.