what is accepting catalyst vs acting on catalyst?

[Verum Occultum]

What is your deepest dream? (don't answer that to me, but to yourself.) And how do you think you could move towards it? When you act in the direction of your dream and your aspiration, then you do not just exist, but are living and alive and blossoming with energy because that brings joy; the type of natural joy each being has understanding of. The attempt is important because you are always creating your reality and you can not stop doing it. The attempt, in any form, in any seemingly minute act, is that energy which transforms and changes both the inner and the outer reality. It must be reinforced by belief.

If you don't have a dream, then you usually don't feel highly motivated. And if it goes on, that motivation begins to fade. The motivation will be replaced by psychological barriers that are very real in experience, though invisible. It will keep you from doing this and that, and it will be felt by others. Let me tell you this: each being has a deep dream that exists at the base of their being. I am not speaking merely about a physical goal, but I am saying that each being is, at a deeper level, deeply comfortable and in-love with itself. And from that level there are feelings, concepts and pure magic that radiate infinitely yet are received and felt more or less by the ego of the practical life. I am saying that if you listen to your heart deeply, perhaps in meditation, it can possibly help you to find the motivation to transform your guilt into a different kind of creativity, a different kind of social openness. You do not have to punish yourself for being alive and experiencing comfort.

Others will not know directly your challenge unless you speak to them. Surely there are people who are willing to listen, just as there are people in this forum that are gladly your friends and helpers. I believe that communication is an opening to the universe which breaks the psychological barriers, at least to an extent. Communication from the heart is a force that strengthens bonds between people, not just metaphysically, but literally in real life experience. The universe [will/is happy to] provide for you if and when you believe that it is possible. It is a relationship.

My opinion is that guilt or the type of anger you are experiencing can be healed by forming genuine appreciation for each day and for those that provide you, those being your parents. Gratitude can be expressed. And it is most often received with gladness and reverence. I believe that there are many who dream of living like you do, and that alone should motivate you to live for them. Enjoy what you have. You never know when you might not have it again.