Betrayal Catalyst

[anagogy]

So what gives.  I know I have a problem with trust, but will this be considered a blockage to me?  I don't think my heart is blocked because I still feel massive amounts of empathy and compassion for people, I just don't want to get close to them.  I know Ra had said we all have our own unique balance, but can I still be balanced and have trouble trusting?  It doesn't seem fair to use this as a catalyst to awaken me if I need to work my way out of it too.  I could really use some advice.  I just want to be happy again.  What am I missing?  How do I get over this?

Here's the thing, you are trying to control the uncontrollable. The only thing you can control is your own self and your own thoughts. But the good news is that your thoughts control your emotions, and your emotions control everything else in your life. It is the difference between trying to change a reflection, and trying to change the reflectee. The reflection cannot be changed directly as it is a secondary phenomena even though it may appear near simultaneous with what is being reflected, it must be changed hierarchically from the reflectee side outwards. Similarly, life must be changed from the inside out. "As within, so without. As above, so below." Trying to affect things outside of yourself only works to the extent that you accidentally make some inner change as a result of "wrestling" with the outer illusion. Mediocre results at best.

And anytime anybody's else's actions or behaviors control your emotions you are in for a really hard time. I know it sounds impossible, but you have to only care about one thing: your own personal alignment to balance, which is emotional well being. You cannot bend over backwards enough to please ANYONE. Trust me. They will always want more, will always take more, will always find some fault in what you are doing. Any action you take that does not make your heart sing with joy is doomed to fail. Even "begrudgingly given" help is worse than no help at all. Why? Because you are not acting from a place of connection with the universe. If that sounds selfish I would say it is far more selfish of another to expect you to bend over backwards to please them. If you aren't selfish enough to align with your own sense of well being, you have nothing to offer anyone else anyway. Connection will always yield far more wide reaching results.

So how to regain your alignment after all these painful manifestations of betrayal? The very first thing you need to do is attend to your own needs. If you don't like your job, you should look into other options. If you like being a stay at home mom, look into ways to make that happen. Don't be afraid to follow your heart, follow your desires, and pursue an existence that is personally pleasing. If you believe in the concept that we manifest what we find I will tell you right now, what happens around you is a pure reflection of your emotional state. It is the shape that events congeal to. And what controls your emotion? Your thoughts. Where you place your conscious attention is what determines your emotions. When you feel bad, it is because you are focused on *lack* of what is wanted. So your blockage is simply this: a habit of dwelling on what is/has or will go wrong. And the more that is focused upon, the bigger and badder it will get (and your dread/anxiety/depression will increase as well). I know because I've been there hundreds of times. You, I, and all others have this notion we can just intellectually sort all this stuff out. I'm telling you: you can't. Don't try. Waste of time. Any physical resolution only happens after the emotional resolution. If you take nothing else away from what I say: at least remember that your emotions attract your experiences, and your thoughts create your emotions.

Do you want to know what forgiveness is? It is a withdrawal of attention from the events that seemingly require forgiveness. To forgive and forget is to withdraw attention enough from the "crime" that you no longer think about it anymore. You have to let them go, if you want to be happy, or at least see it in a new light.

So my advice is simply this: try to spend more of your time dwelling on what is going right, and if you can be more aware of that than what is seemingly going wrong, then things will slowly heal in your life. Everything you think about is growing. And if you are not sure if what you are focused on is helping you -- all you have to do is a "gut check". If you feel anxious, afraid, depressed, guess where your focus is turned? It is a habit of attention, and it won't break over night. Just gently turn away from the ugly thoughts. Like making your way through a crowd. You don't have to fight every person, just gently move around them and continue on your way. And remember: all events are manifestations of your field of energy. So create a high vibrational field, and high vibrational events will coalesce in your experience.

This leads to inspired actions which will take you towards what you are wanting in life. Will that be away from your husband? Will that be with your husband? Don't try to intellectually figure that out. Let your emotional guidance from a place of joy, peace, and wellbeing decide that. Action taken from that inspiration, leads to happy consequences. Actions taken from the inspiration afforded by depression never have good results. Good luck.