Under attack... in desperate need of help...

[Mahakali]

I understand all too well, I'm no stranger to these feelings in the slightest. Seek and ye shall find, but sometimes there are surprises, that's what I meant.

I fully appreciate your desires, but I am a little confused because you say here that you need to change and want to change, but then a few posts later you express fear of the loss of yourself and your currently perceived personality. I've always found it pretty difficult to change anything internally when I am so strongly attached to my identity.

You do realize that your external life is a reflection of your internal life and so as you say the reason this is happening is because of those resonances, but by the sounds of it you identify with those things as aspects of your identity so without being willing to alter those aspects of yourself how can you manifest a different state of reality?

Do you realize that hate, anger, etc is part of the consensus reality structure and the more you dwell there the more you are actually tuning in to the consensus? You are attached to the very things that to me appears to tie one to the consensus.

The consensus of the world is that of darkness, hatred and self-serving. If you truly want to break out of the mold you might have to take a different approach.

Note I don't say this in any judgement, I think you can be however you want and that is perfectly okay, but since you asked for help I am doing my best to do so based on my understanding of the mechanics at play.

I absolutely agree with you that all these things are possible, but I hope you don't take offense when I say it appears that you are shooting yourself in the foot in this regard with conflicting notions.

Surprises? I can already see a few "surprises" on the horizon. But why should I have to listen to one interpretation of things? Why must I accept any particular cosmology or system or density or approach to things?

I don't "fear" losing certain parts of personality; I just have no desire to do so. And the parts I don't want to remove are the hatred, self-centeredness, service-of-self, and attractions to certain things.

What I need to let go of are fear, masochism, etc.

The first thing to understand is that what you are experiencing is always a perfect reflection of what is going on within you. That is universal law. So if your outer reality sucks, it is because your inner reality sucks. That is not a judgment, just an observation. It is a fact that has become apparent to me over the course of my life. You can accept your power, and thus your responsibility, or you can pretend the power is outside of yourself.

So how to change your outer reality? You have to change your inner reality. Change the reflectee (yourself) and the reflection will change. The mirror is not the problem, it simply reflects, mechanically, without praise or condemnation the contents of your own mind.  

You have talked about the power of belief. That's good that you recognize the power of belief, but now it is time to stop talking about it and actually utilize it. You don't want to be attacked? Stop believing it is happening. You have told a somewhat detailed story of psychic attack which is the reason why you've posted here.  Now whether you are "actually" being attacked or it is all in your head is not my concern.  It is real to you, and that is good enough for me.  However, everything you are experiencing has been attracted to you because you continue to think its real, which activates the vibrations of "i'm being attacked and it getting worse".  The more your conscious attention dwells on that, the more real it becomes.  It will just keep getting worse and worse because you keep validating it as a reality and telling the same story over and over again.  I can certainly understand why you would do that.  Afterall, from your perspective it really seems like it's happening.  And so you continue to practice the story, and keep activating the magnets that attract it and make it real. But you are using your own creative power against yourself everytime you do.

If you really want it to stop, start telling a new story, and never tell the old one again.  It won't get better over night, because you can't normally instantly believe a new story.  But you need to practice the new story and in time, the old one will become less real as you attention withdraws.

Imagine your life as you want it to be, and keep practicing that until you feel normal and comfortable with it.  Everytime something happens, reinterpret it to match your desired experience. Don't allow yourself to think about the "beings attacking you" because guess what?  You thinking about them *IS* them successfully attacking you!  Negative beings manipulate you by getting *YOU* to create your own negative reality. They are not creating reality for you. YOU do that.    

So the answer is very very very simple, but can be difficult for people to stick with because of its simplicity (people often want answers to be complex and mysterious).  The answer is: reinterpret everything through the lense of well being.  Tell the story of your life how you want it to be, and in time, it will gain more vibrational momentum than the terrible story you have currently active. Please understand, again, that I'm not saying what you are experiencing is not real, i'm only saying: stop continuing to make it real.  Focus on well being, look for evidence of well being, and well being you shall find.

Don't try to make too big a vibrational jump either.  Don't try to be god right this second.  Start out with optimism, and gradually build your belief in well being and in a couple weeks if you are being sincere in your attempts, you life will dramatically change for the better. Oftentimes less is more in the sense that "small changes" in perspective will provide more progress than an attempted massive jump in belief, which just throws you back against the wall because it was too much to be believable.

Excellent advice; thank you.

I get like that when I watch horror movies. My heart is in cartoons.

My heart is in both.

stuff

I don't view everyone as worth loving. I think love has its place, but I'm not a positive person the way you seem to be.

I also don't view preincarnative stuff the same way that some here do. In one sense, I desired what is happening because it is happening, but I don't view reincarnation the same way that some do... I think that reincarnation is more like, what you are thinking of at the moment of death becomes your new life, along with the patterns that you've nurtured during this one.

"Freeing" myself of hatred doesn't seem like "healing" to me. Being me seems like healing.

Positive can't accept me the way that I am, and fights me even for the few things that I'd need to be happy

Can't agree with you there, Mahakali.  The true positive will accept you exactly the way you are.  They will simply not share your hate - recognizing that hate is ultimately self-destructive - but allowing you to be who you are on your own path.

This has not been my experience.

Mahakali what's your age? Do you study astrology?

My understanding is that astrology is accurate, but only if you plug yourself into it. I don't want to do this, because it is too limiting for my taste. I have read a bit about Hindu astrology. This whole life so far could be viewed as my seven-and-a-half; my whole existence has been under Saturn. But I feel like this is a huge blessing as much as a huge curse, once its understood. Because Saturn is really just misunderstood.

Can you compress what you need and how you define being attacked into a workable sentence of say, no more than 2-3 lines. If so I'll get back to you.

I'll send you a PM later.