How a death can unite or untie a family

[Lavazza]

Wow, what wonderful responses. Thank you all so much! We truly do have something special at this forum.

My mother's brother passed away this weekend as well.

I'm sorry for your loss as well, Gemini. When it rains it pours...

I usually just tell people that I "believe in all religions" and believe that each should be allowed to follow the path that works best for them. If someone asks with an open mind and honestly wants to know what I believe, I have no problem telling them the complete truth.

I think this is the way to go for me... I actually do attend a Unitarian Universalist church, so speaking to the validity of all religions is actually quite accurate. This may still offend some of the more dogmatic family members, but I guess I can't accommodate everyone. I've also thought about saying something like "I believe that what Jesus said is Truth", which is also a true statement coming from me.

I would be ready to say something like this: I feel at peace when I think about grandfather's spirit now in a larger life. But rather than talking about my religious beliefs, which we can't prove for sure, let's talk about grandfather's life. Let's use today to honor what we remember of his earthly life. He was always beloved to me because of the way he...

Thank you Questioner. I hope I can say something that elegant on the spot, if need be!

The key is to console, sidestep theological discussions, and do so with Grace, Dignity, Honor and Love.

Wow Fairy- great words of advice, thank you! I am not overly familiar with the Bible (reading it is on my to-do list). Can you please offer some recommended quotes, assuming you are familiar? What are the Christ Loving Evangelical Ministers saying?

Forgive me for being not that informed about your customs, I understand you will be a pall bearer but not scheduled to speak in any official manner and your worries lie mainly with the unofficial talks that are sure to arise. I respond from this understanding I realize I could be wrong. I'm the guy that thought questioner had an alligator in his washing machine.

Hello Ali, no worries, you did read me correctly. As a pall bearer (one of six) I will not have an official speaking roll in the ceremony, just the aid of helping carrying the casket (something which I feel is a great honor, by the way). However, I do have a problem with my air conditioner... I suspect there may be rabid monkeys in there, not sure. Can you help me investigate?

If you do wish to talk without revealing too much, ask them what they believe. Empathize the things you agree with. Console their fears, remind them of God's greatness. And that he sees us with more compassion than we see ourselves. Perhaps a scientifically minded atheist would like to hear that the true miracle lies in the fact that we have lived at all considering all the fuzz with universal constants. (You're still confronting them with the mystery, they just won't know it.)

But the biggest truth I think is that in these occasions people really want to talk. Often it will be the case that if you don't respond to their talk with more talk but with listening they're going to appreciate that. It's what shrinks do Wink ... Sharing makes a big emotional difference to people. So just allow them to share and they probably won't notice you're not sharing that much yourself.

More excellent advice. I would much rather agree with my family members than disagree. Lately I've been mentally challenging myself to find at least one valid thing that I agree with in what anyone says. I can almost always find it, even if it's buried deep in things I disagree with. It's a truly heart-opening exercise when you realize that everyone has something true to say. But anyways- in the case of the upcoming funeral event, this is a great thing to be mindful of. And in the case of agreeing with the atheist ideas, there's a lot I could delve in to there. Like the fact that the atoms that make up a human brain are just ever so slightly different than the atoms that make a rock. It's an amazing world we live in, no matter what place you view it from, eh?

The real secret of atheism versus theism is that neither party can prove their point. This is the great equalizer. You have to go deep into philosophy for it but the greatest minds of the world have not answered this question and they have tried for millenia. Neither can be proven and both can be true. It's a great mystery and we know no way to tackle it, other than make a lot of different models.

This is so true, although there are always those on both sides of the argument who erroneously believe that their side is proven. Alas for human frailty and ego.

The only thing I would add is to just be yourself, openhearted and open minded, kind and humble as you are.....and it's good to keep a comforting and calm energy at a funeral. Your Grandmother will really appreciate it if you are fully present for her.

Thank you Shemaya. This is definitely my goal. And thanks for calling me open-minded, I really try (not always too well, ha!)

Remember that you create your own reality. Going into this particular catalyst, you know that it will be possible to interact with people on a green ray or yellow ray level, etc. If you are at ease with the situation and intent on speaking from your heart, then when someone comes to talk to you, youll know just what to say. You should know when looking back on a conversation whether or not he exchange was of yellow or green ray. The process is easier said than done though. Tongue

Thanks Aaron. I appreciate the reminder about keeping my mentality "green ray" in nature, this is a great tip. It is really hard sometimes, yes. If I can mentally ask myself "Is what I am about to say coming from my Heart?" I will be in good shape. It brings to mind the often quoted question/statement Ra gave "Where is the love in the moment?". On a related note- I just ordered a bumper sticker for my car yesterday. Actually the first bumper sticker I've ever purchased... here it is:

I have to say that I would probably approach the situation from the angle that ahktu suggested. You're not required to give anything, (unless I've misread your post) so don't stress yourself out because you feel like you should have this enlightening information to give.

You did read correctly, I am not required to speak to the group. It probably came out sounding that way because that's how it feels inside regardless. After that incident with my uncle in 2002, I've always been a little cautious / stressed out when interacting with my strictly religious kin. So in a sense this thread will hopefully be just an exercise in learn/teaching for me and not actually require a practical exam. I certainly have done a lot of learning.

Thanks again so much to everyone here! Your comments have been heart-felt and loving, and I am very appreciative.

Love and Light,
~Lavazza