Am I a Nihilist Athiest Spiritualist?

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

I'd agree with that too.  I am somewhat irresponsible in various ways that I am hoping to flesh out soon enough.  I hope.

I suppose I should meditate on this and then contemplate on it.  Hah.  I do polarize actively at work every day.  Though not nearly as much as I used to now.

But I agree, it's a quiet part of the reason I work graveyard shifts, to avoid things.  But the odd thing that does come about I can effectively use to try and polarize, if not just be myself and honest, or try to just make a person smile.  Random compliments on clothes sometimes work, jewelry usually does too, I love jewelry so I compliment it often, since it too is also alive.

But I can't handle a lot at once. It's not anxiety, it's like I just get rigid and turn hollow, and now I'm a mask of myself.  Because otherwise I'd just be kind of bouncy with everything I do, since I always have my own soundtracks going on in my head, kind of like an internal song you hum and 'che' sound to??  Beat box style maybe?  I don't know how to describe it but I just don't do it anymore.  I can't let all of that in and try to make sense of it.  It gets rough.

So I guess I'm an introvert who likes to be alone a lot because I've been alone most of my life.  Now I'm sitting here like, 'crap, how do I help but not have to deal with tons of people and social gatherings??'

So uh.

Suggestions for the oblivious I?  My main idea was to meditate often, often and a lot and basically spending a lot of time visualizing and balancing, and then trying to balance the entire pains I feel about the world, in order to aid the social memory complex in forgiveness and continuance of it into 4D more smoothly.

I need to learn how to meditate to noise, there's no comfortable quiet place in my area except a car, and it's not exactly a comfy meditation spot...  And all the parks in my neighborhood 'close' after 10pm, and police do patrol my neighborhood so I can't exactly sit in one for too long, plus when I've tried the paranoia got me whenever a car would drive by.

So I've got some handling of my thoughts to do first before I get into any real deep meditations for visualizations and balancing.

I had a system of balancing a while back.  Where you recall various individual memories, attune them to the chakras they resonate with, then balance it across the spectrum and then go back to the memory and forgive it before moving to the next thought or memory.  Along the way you can record each memory and it's chakra associations and build a kind of mind-chakra tree grid in a journal if you really want to try mapping out the way your thoughts move from one memory to another and the chakras that ping your mind to pull those memories up.

But, suggestions still desired
Thank you for all the current ones thus far!