Am I a Nihilist Athiest Spiritualist?

[Aion]

Okay I don't think everyone understands my concern.

Its hard to explain because it extends past 3D.

Infinity has infinite suffering and pleasure as far as I'm aware from the concept of infinity applied within a 3D space/time-time/space setting, Aion, so neither/both.

The Archetypes are helpful but they are not to me, a validation for the suffering created by trying to understand them.  (Persona shattering, loss of mental faculties, insanity)

There also is no true mission beyond evolution.  The Convulution begins tthere.  I dont even know how to go there.

My concern extends to Infinity, the Self of infinity.

We live in a perspective of seperation.  So powerful can this suffrage achievable here damage a soul self that 'healing' takes decades of Our 'miniscule scale of linear time concepts'.  So strange and different it forces souls into situations that even they beyond 3D space/time didn't desire.
Is that place too a game?  Is 6D, the next octave, the prior octave, a game?

What if I don't want to play ANY of that game anymore?

What's up with spirituality being used to make very real suffering acceptable?  I couldn't accept suffering being inflicted to me so I can't accept it upon others.  I feel very bad for them, I can't even imagine their misery.

This isn't a good game at that ppoint.  It doesn't matter if its in 3D, 6D, Octave 2 or Octave 3, sub-octave 997, it didn't/doesn't/won't matter to me.

A temporary persona exists as a self aware 3D vehicle.  It suffers to teach the soul driving it,sometimes intentionally against their will by their own soul/higher will.  Even to the point of ending the perceived 'only-life' of that persona.

Its.  Disturbing.  Why am I the only one who sees that even all as one still doesn't separate the reality of what they do to 3D beings to learn/evolve?  All is one?  Then suffering is created and taken and desired by parts of the one upon other parts of the one, like raping yourself because it feels good.

I get such convulutions as wanting thus enjoying negative or occurrence that are vampyric, leach-like, or controlling.

But I get those who actually want it getting it.  I don't get why those who don't want it still get it but then are told they have free will to choose, and even pick a bit.  While in actuality; that being the way they actually percieve reality, its not consistent as such.  Then all these reasons and mechanics.  And the human persona is basically just at that point despite being self aware:

A collection of prewritten scripts and animations.

How am I 'free' again?  I'm in a class I've no memory signing up for, in a place that does as it pleases then calls me the creator of those pleasures including the suffering and torment of others like me exactly.

While I've no say myself.

The contradictions of logic are my concern.  Its to such a degree I'm a nihilist spiritualist athiest, that makes no sense in and of itself as a descriptory title ;~;

But that's the only understanding I've so far.  As far as my experience versus belief goes.

There is no God above or below or here, Its all Me, and I am not God here.
I believe in the Law of One.
There is no clear point to existence beyond evolution, thus there is currently to I, no point that explains why.  The creator desired to know itself, to reexperience itself.  Why?  What's the point?  You already are, why does it need to be so vivid and constantly more as if addicted to self?

I don't get it.

I think you are having a close encounter with what Ra calls the 'Law of Responsibility'.