10-13-2015, 10:36 AM
(09-13-2015, 05:16 PM)Rumpelstiltskin Wrote: Gist of my life: Isolation, isolation, isolation.
Words are too heavy to express my thinking anymore so hopefully I can be somewhat coherent.
I thought after I woke up to who I was, I wouldn't be as isolated, but...for the past 7 years, I've been so isolated that I really feel like i've made very little, if any, progress. I am a single mother of two, in my thirties... I feel like one of the main purposes is to clear my bloodline, but at what cost? Why? I am so frustrated. In the past, my connection to the outside had been internet forums, but after I woke up, I felt repulsed by all the chatter and debate. I just don't know what to say anymore...as if the person I was died and this new person is someone I can relate to, but don't really know. I feel like I'm in a phase of 'shut up and listen,' but I can't get out of feeling like an island. Despite that, I feel like i've learned a lot, but I have no way to really express it. That's pretty much the frustration; no expression, but feel like the old ways of expression are not me anymore.
In childhood I was a misfit fitted into isolation. Mother had narcissistic tendencies, so I was no spotlight in her production. She was a scientist and physician and everyone loved her ambition and charity. She was so sneaky and clever in her disguises that I thought I was every thing she said; which was all forms of s***. My relatives saw me the way she wanted them to, I was also very weird, so I got no support or sympathy there. I didn't know what she was doing to me for all those years, until this year, but I now see and appreciate the catalyst.
As a teen I wore a lot of black, long sleeves, no shorts(even in the summertime), covering up everything I could. I was also a loner (no friends for most of those years) slept a lot, watched t.v. drew comics and played video games all day. I have a brother, and during those shitty days of youth, he would often side with those a******* that tormented me in school. Despite that, I loved him to death and just felt he was doing all of that to fit in. I skipped a lot just to sleep and to be more alone. I was open to friendships, but I was so socially awkward that I couldn't human. I was so drained from just existing..and there was no joy, no friendships, no family...no bonds or connections. It was horrible. I tried to commit suicide a couple of times, and my mother told me that the only reason I shouldn't do it was because it would burden her to take care of the aftermath.
In my early twenties I met one of the most gentlest man I had ever met, online. I knew it was planned...I even knew when my children would be born and knew it was the purpose of our union; In my late twenties, after I became pregnant with my second, our romantic life abruptly stopped. We remain friends to this day and he is very spiritually genuine. During the last couple of years living with him, I was drawn to indigo children, starseeds etc. which seemed to come out of nowhere, seeing I was an atheist. I would ignore it, but this stuff would continuously show up. Happening all the while I was set on being a keyboard warrior, doing research on topics for online debates. *face palm* But I knew another phase in my life was about to begin so I stopped ignoring those things.
I soon found myself back in my mother's house. With my two children. This was...a continuation of the past.. I was trying to get to know myself spiritually, but felt so much friction between accepting and rejecting myself because of the two voices I was hearing. I wanted to finally finish college (mostly creating films/animation and game designer/programmer), but I got kicked out and found myself homeless for 3 or 4 months with two young children. Again, no support no connections no friends...oh wait, I did get help with a therapist, but he took advantage of me and we had a short and icky sexual relationship. I suppose I wanted to make sure of something about (romantic) attachment, realized I already knew, and so was able to easily walk away from it.
My awakening happened a little slowly at first...I would go for walks and have quick glimpses and feelings at what appeared to be the truth about everything; extreme love, acceptance and joy that I had never felt before...Then one night, I felt a jolt and heard and saw a rush of purplish liquid light filled with symbols erupt from my crown, like a volcanic eruption turning into a waterfall. I sat straight up in bed. AFter the waterfall left my mind's eye, I saw three figures standing in front of my bed. All indigo in color, with no features, just an opaque color. They spoke to me...I just cannot translate what they said...it was something I have no words for. After that I did my homework, found the Ra material, meditated and tried astral travel. After about six months to a year, I stopped actively studying.
So, I spent the next seven or so years after the awakening alone...no desire to be with anyone. once in a while I would get lonely, but I usually felt ok after I sorted through feeling abandoned; this cycle continued throughout the seven years. I focused on my children and cultivated very strong connections with them. Thank god, I am not my mother! BUt I am here feeling a little ...I don't know, every time I try to go back to school or even pursue hobbies, I get firmly blocked from doing them. I don't get why.. It's getting so..stale.. The spiritual aspects are intertwined so perfectly into my every day life, that I don't have the desire to study unless there's something pushing me towards something specific. I see the symbolism in just about everything and feel almost everyone..events and experiences seem so obviously attached to a lesson now, that I blithely take them on. ...i just want to..have some fun...come on...dude. please. Everything is hilarious...
The beauty of the setting sun only last but a short time.