Am I a Nihilist Athiest Spiritualist?

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

I need to figure this out.

The OIC is I, not a 'God', thus there is no God except I, and I am not a God.

There is no clear concise or otherwise available explanation as to the Point/Reason/Purpose of Existence, until there is one it seems more likely that I simply could not conceive or comprehend an answer in any way that would be acceptable.  As such, I do believe there's a chance all of this is for nothing beyond self perpetuating, for no reason underlying all the rest.  Emptiness containing finity and infinity, still inherently empty.

I believe in a OIC, a 'Higher' gradiant of I across infinity.  I believe in intelligence, infinity, consciousness, 'Love' as a Law.  Yet I understand this is all without a 'Why' in my mind.

And I came to realize I was literally a paradox only in the outward view.  Inwardly wise I still feel the anger and frustrations of not knowing but it at least isn't nonsensically differently/similar.  I get its paradoxxyish.  I understand myself enough to know and believe in myself.,

But I always seem to grow still and stop treading by choice.  I don't like this set up.  It makes no sense to me.  But I tread it still.

Why?

There is no why.  There's nothing else to do.