10-12-2015, 02:28 AM
I apparently cannot refuse that vibration.
Part of the Catalytic built in mechanism of Surprise.
Example (he typed with massive dejavu):
Today literally not even 3 hours ago as I'm driving to work, I see a cat on the other side of the road. It ran across the median right INTO my car!!
And I couldn't stop it! And it just put everything into perspective but only for a moment...
Then everything got really depressing. I've never hurt an animal physically, and suddenly SURPRISE. And you feel that energy happen, death. And its not like a video game death or even like an old person passing on.
Its just horrible. And sometimes you don't get a choice.
THAT is catalyst. Everything is catalyst...
Its why I fear its arrival now in the form of people. Events. Things. Phone calls and texts. And I TRIED to be positive about it but death? Basic killing? Murder? Its catalyst.
I just. I'm trying to make sense of itbut i think its a bit soon to make sense of killing an animal even if on accident in my car it still. I just keep thinking I should've braked, I should've braked without thinking the cat would stop at the median like virtually 95% all other fucking cats!
Ugh. This is what I meant by sometimes free will comes off as illusion. Im not the one choosing life occurrences. I'm not. As in this personality, is not in control. I don't pull myself to run over a cat accidentally on purpose. I don't pull for my coworkers to find me so reliable they ask me to cover their shifts often on purpose. I don't pull for random people to come and rob my store while I'm working on purpose.
But apparently my higher/future/bigger self does.
And the veil makes it out as not my pulling when it apparently is.
All because I'm trying to learn... Learning hurts, sometimes it apparently kills too. . .
This honestly wasn't what I hoped for life becoming like in the future... Its close...but its not what I actually wanted.
Almost feels like I've been cheated into a game I won't actually like the mechanics of.
Sorry Jade. But I personally don't fully agree. Maybe I just don't understand... but so far. I haven't been allowed to leave that vibration of darkness apparently...
Part of the Catalytic built in mechanism of Surprise.
Example (he typed with massive dejavu):
Today literally not even 3 hours ago as I'm driving to work, I see a cat on the other side of the road. It ran across the median right INTO my car!!
And I couldn't stop it! And it just put everything into perspective but only for a moment...
Then everything got really depressing. I've never hurt an animal physically, and suddenly SURPRISE. And you feel that energy happen, death. And its not like a video game death or even like an old person passing on.
Its just horrible. And sometimes you don't get a choice.
THAT is catalyst. Everything is catalyst...
Its why I fear its arrival now in the form of people. Events. Things. Phone calls and texts. And I TRIED to be positive about it but death? Basic killing? Murder? Its catalyst.
I just. I'm trying to make sense of itbut i think its a bit soon to make sense of killing an animal even if on accident in my car it still. I just keep thinking I should've braked, I should've braked without thinking the cat would stop at the median like virtually 95% all other fucking cats!
Ugh. This is what I meant by sometimes free will comes off as illusion. Im not the one choosing life occurrences. I'm not. As in this personality, is not in control. I don't pull myself to run over a cat accidentally on purpose. I don't pull for my coworkers to find me so reliable they ask me to cover their shifts often on purpose. I don't pull for random people to come and rob my store while I'm working on purpose.
But apparently my higher/future/bigger self does.
And the veil makes it out as not my pulling when it apparently is.
All because I'm trying to learn... Learning hurts, sometimes it apparently kills too. . .
This honestly wasn't what I hoped for life becoming like in the future... Its close...but its not what I actually wanted.
Almost feels like I've been cheated into a game I won't actually like the mechanics of.
Sorry Jade. But I personally don't fully agree. Maybe I just don't understand... but so far. I haven't been allowed to leave that vibration of darkness apparently...