I can see through the stars inside you

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Have you ever thought I giving lsd, dmt or ayahuasca a try? I mean reading you post that was the first thing that popped up as an experience worthy for you. Spiritually these could help shed some light, but in general I think it could add a new perspective for you.

All that being said, I do relate to your post. Most of my life I have felt isolated. While I have had some true friends, at this point most have moved on in their personal life. I no longer have close close friends, maybe acquaintances. While it does seem people enjoy my company, I'm still more of a loner. I've had some meaningful relationships, but most of which were just quick things. I think my mistake is that I look for these deeper connections in people who aren't on that level. Still though I've just accepted that this life might be meant to be spent alone. In this way I am able to gather more information and knowledge, really focusing on growing spiritually.

You know, I've never tried those things, and I cringe at the thought..not because I'm not open to the experience in general, but because I hate feeling out of control..it's too intense for me.  In fact, I can't even handle marijuana! I hate it!  Yeah, I haven't had a close friend in quite some time, but honestly things are definitely going into a completely different direction for me.

I too want for deeper connections with people..it makes me sad, because I want to be closer with my siblings for example, but the sad truth is, I don't know them very well and they don't know me.  We get along, i suppose, but it's like I'm shut out; it's palpable -they don't want it.

With spirituality, I've had a love/hate relationship with it.  SO many sources, so much bull crap and so much truth rolled up into a big mess and it infuriates me because I can't know everything now! I know I sound angry and I am...heh, but not in the seeing red sort of way, just...well--just for a pause. just for the sake of..ok, as a respite from my fits of laughter even though I'm shy and awkward, fresh out of my dungeon, I wish I could share that with people in my life more often. ..it's my favorite joy!