The Reality of Murder Fantasies

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

Thank you B4th, sorry for the graphic descriptions provided.  I'll be more conscious about that next time

Anagogy, I wasn't even thinking of how Ra told us to go about these things, I just, I was in the middle of an adrenaline rush, I wasn't really thinking, you know?  I just had the luck to stand down instead of try to stop the guy, had the fortune of not getting hurt, and hopefully, the pleasure of not needing to deal with that same individual again.

But since you bring those quotes up, that makes me feel a lot better knowing my normal process is one that is consonant somewhat with the Law of One philosophy...

Even if I'm still coming to terms with seeing the thief himself in a better light.  I still have moments where my mind wanders tot hat subject and is just like, "ARGH YOU GRARRGGHHHH, YOU JUST GOONE AHH FUUUUUUU--"

Entropy is the proper word, it's just frenzied emotional thoughts collapsing into themselves.  I hope the guy gets caught personally, he truly came off to me bad enough to set off my intuition.  I generally receive past thieves of his type as normal customers.  He literally had my unconscious intuition pinging me all like, 'bad news bad news bad news'.

And I'm oblivious, please believe that.  I do not look at someone and think, 'oh this fu-- is going to just grab something and book it.'  And when they do, all I usually think is, 'typical, please don't come back.'  So when this guy walks in, and my lizard brain is just tapping the back of my brain like, 'bad news bad news bad news'.

Something must be off about that person in some way that had me instinctually on guard.

Not someone you want on the streets per say for the safety of others.

Or maybe I'm just being overtly judgmental.

I don't know, but I'm working on that last part, it's a slow process for me, especially since I don't regularly meditate I don't normally take in those experiences as deeply as I used to.

...Mostly for complete fear, seeing as how I've only come this far from minor meditating in the past, I'm honestly scared of encountering more 'catalyst' of any kind (even over the internet or such) that is worse than what I'm already becoming desensitized too.

Because I'll be honest, I'm desensitized to violence.  The moderators had to point out how graphic my OP was, I didn't even think twice about it (even if I was in an adrenaline rush you'd still think one would be more cautious...Or maybe not I don't know!) and had to edit it a bit.

I've already experienced two separate hellish realities, I've already seen some of the greatest and worst things my mind could handle.  And I'm already so effected and changed by my experiences ever since awakening ONLY A YEAR AGO, that I'm now scared for what lies ahead.  Will I become homeless or have to fight for food?  Will I have to work 50 hour weeks endlessly just to survive or have to deal with my mother suddenly dying or some past affiliate of me or my mom bringing the cops to the house on bogus charges (which leads into an irrational fear of police brutality). (Also a story for later, used to hang with a group of bad people, they think ruining lives is funny so they occasionally call in bogus 'anonymous tips' on people they dislike. My mom was one of those people.)

The future is ripe with strong catalyst awaiting to be triggered and activated from potentiation.

And I can't stop any of it.

So.  It's scary, that properly polarizing consistently or at all with any catalyst but especially 'stronger' catalyst (like this) may be the 'precursor' to ever-stronger catalyst awaiting is, just scary to me.  I already understood that aspect of reality pretty quickly, it's somewhat hell-like as if you know something bad will come your way and you need to treat it good or else something just as bad will happen again giving you another chance when you've polarized to a point ready to receive it, or possibly even not.  Catalyst doesn't stop.

So, accepting this, even though I want to, I don't want more, but even if I don't accept it, I'll get more occurrences like this.

So...I'm trying but the entire way is bogged down with fear of the latent way reality teaches us in 3D.

I guess I'm by that line of reasoning, scared of reality LOL

-sighs-

-sighs more-

I hate being honest sometimes too.  Scared of reality.  -scoffs at self-