Schizophrenia

[Aion]

Also, to relate a little. I was definitely one of those people who was 'top heavy' (more active and balanced in the higher centers than the lower) and this lead to three years of wandering without a home, going through many phases, to suicidal and back. I had fallen in to a depression at a young age and spent most of my teen years and early adult life wrangling with it, trying to make sense of my existence here. Something kept urging me forward. I chose to have faith in that urge, and when I give up and don't know what to do, I surrender to that forward flow and say, 'Whatever will happen, will happen, I trust the universe.'

This is hard, because the universe doesn't always seem to be trustworthy. It often seems like it can be giving us a hard time or that we have experiences which are so unpleasant that the very possibility of goodness in the universe becomes questionable. It's easy for the universe to appear bleak, uncaring and impersonal.

The most challenging thing to realize is that the universe will actually take whatever form we want it to take, whichever form. If we see darkness and terror then it will happily reflect darkness and terror. If we want to see joy and sunshine then it will reflect that. The difficulty in this is learning to get to know your desires and further learning to embrace and accept the nature of desire itself.

I've always had a hard time with desire. Maybe it's my leanings or some of the influences in my upbringing but I was always attracted to the idea that desires lead to suffering, as expressed by Buddhists. I then refined this understanding and saw they referred more to attachment to desires than desires themselves. Thus I started to forgive myself for having desires, although I am still having a hard time expressing the want of fulfillment of those desires.

I think one of the things that is challenging about experiencing a lot of trauma is that the opposite becomes more difficult to identify with. It becomes hard to imagine an existence or life without the pains and scars of your trauma. The idea of healing seems almost insulting. The need for empathy grows as the sympathy for oneself becomes less and less and it becomes a yearning to be recognized and left alone.

We always have to want it for ourselves. No matter how we want the universe to shape itself. If we want it to match us and our visions, we must be honest with ourselves in the utmost as to what we truly desire. Most confusion tends to be about desire and confusion about desire tends to be about the 'right' desires. Forget about 'right' desires for awhile and just get to know YOUR desires. Much love.