How do you do?

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

Synchronicities direct me, spiritually I thank what I consume and what I use.  I try to accept catalyst and forgive my anger towards feeling helpless to end it.

Struggle with a question of why, with no clear answer that properly explains the how and why of that why.

Law of One wise, I do not live Unconditional Love nor do I identify as Service to Others Oriented (but definitely biased and preferential)
I did Work in Consciousness.  I prefer that Life but its a lot of work for I who's mind is overactive who looks into things so deeply it changes me.  This is from becoming empath like, telepathy begins, I pick up others emotions, but in my 'Just Be' mentality I let it wash over me as I understand without reacting, and instead chose to love.

Not so well at that now a days.  Faith wise I'm fine.  Discipline wise, I really suck at meditating (it is truly a prerequisite).

Life wise, its complicated.  Aura and Chakra wise I'm no healer, just another doing what I will reacting as I will and discovering myself.  I prefer to be alone with myself over groups I discovered.  I initially hated loneliness, now I enjoy it but do miss my friends occasionally.

I got to know myself really well.  I prefer night time, my favorite time of day is the twilight before sunrise.  I'm inherently biased to be lazy physically but overactive mentally.  Live inside myself, avoid the world.  Lots of issues I wish I could talk to a spiritual healer about but know I can't.

Oh!  And during my time of unconditional  love, began noticing my voice wasnt my own at times, I worried it was onset of schizophrenia, turned out I was self channeling AND utilizing a second form of intelligence innate to each of us.

Please question further, I rather enjoy looking back at that time of my life, and have considered returning to it in time, hopefully sooner than later.

Hi TTP, are you afraid of polarizing because of the "skills" that you acquired frightened you? The fact is, in 3d, you cannot do work in consciousness without polarizing. Polarity is what allows the work to be done. To retire to the sinkhole of indifference will not allow you to continue your work in consciousness. This is why the first card in the archetype sequence is The Choice.

The end goal of work in consciousness IS channeling, the ability to be a clearer channel for our higher self/magical personality. To be able to put aside the ego and allow pure love to shine forth from our beings, even if just for small snippets of time. It requires big sacrifice, though.

I stopped because I discovered my desires were circumstantial...  To my own dismay.

I only started living unconditional love to see if Ra was full of it.  Ra is, in my personal experience, telling the truth.

Once I discovered this was all real THEN i began performing Work in Consciousness but not to channel.  I can't channel for one reason, I can't discern if the voice is myself tricking myself or real.  I'd quickly lose to a greeting trying to discredit me, so instead I journaled my...crazier thoughts that didn't sound like me at all.

I stopped bexause of catalyst.  I wasgrowing tired  past what I was used to.  It became hard to just get upin the mornings or evenings for work.  My mom who refected my love back to me also stopped doing so.  Much of my ambitions were messed up.  Couldn't start a garden.  My blog wasn't coming up to the level of love I was attempting to put into it.  I never found a partner.  Then I stumbled into my hellish reality and while there I cursed and swore at the Onw Creator, and in what I can only deem the wailing cries of someone who believes themself stuck in actual Hell (like. This reality IS ACTUALLY hell), I put down that 'mantle' of ever being disciplined or responsible enough to perform work in consciousness...change anyone with Love, do anything with Love that I wouldn't ultimately...just.  Its.  Complicated.  I was a sun in a dark place as I Polarized.  My friends noticed, my mom noticed.  Even I noticed and I'm harsh on myself.

No, I stopped and retired simply because I failed myself.  I swore to stop all progress against my own soul because I condemned its choice to put me in hell, to be here with me, to experience with me or make me possible.  I wanted to cease to exist, to hurt God or the OIC by taking away a portion of itself in protest at what so many others have to go through.

Like some are horrified by animals being slaughtered and enslaved.  I'm horrified at rape, torture, madness, insanity, murder.  And the enjoyment they can bring for some.  I didn't want to be in a creation that gets off to...doing those things.

I retired as a big F U to myself and the OIC.  and even though I don't feel those ways anymore...  I am still too ashamed to ever try again until I know I'll be able to forgive myself for the things I said, did, and the intent behind it all.

I did see heaven AND hell.  I did not like what I saw..