How to balance?

[ricdaw]

My view has been that if I can become conscious of and stare at my negativity directly in the face, and even encourage it to express itself, and not be destroyed by it, then it won't have so much of a hold on me and will be more under my control.  I see it as a way of purifying and strengthening myself.  What I am basically describing is catharsis.  I am afraid however that I have been causing myself unnecessary suffering by doing so and have been wasting all this time doing something which has no real benefit and only serves to harm myself and others.  Sigh.

I think you are successfully doing the first balancing; recognizing the thoughts as thoughts and not as you.  This is the first discernment.  Meditation is a way to get really good at this because in the silence you will begin to recognize even subtler forms of thoughts that are just as real as the declarative thoughts we have all day long (e.g. The internal "I don't want to do that."  "I'm so bored!").  They are more fleeting and daydreamy, but they too are thoughts.  

But since you already recognize thoughts as thoughts, then the second balancing would be to address the thoughts you disapprove of.  You identitified these as "negativity."  I don't think confronting these is a productive technique.  If you can discern a reason for the thought, even a speculative reason, you can try to find its opposite.  Ra has the patience/impatience example.  I prefer the "this job sucks" example.  When I think that thought, I pause to reflect what exactly it is that I'm not happy doing.  I remember having the same thought periodically in the past, and also remember that I have somehow always come out of the exact same funk every time in the past.  So for me, "this job sucks" is neutralized by recognition that the job has its ups and down, and that now I'm in a down part, but that it will go up in the future.  What this leads me to is acceptance of my current state of mind.  Acceptance works magic because it balances every time.  I don't need to do anything so much as accept what, in fact, I am currently thinking.  "The second mental discipline is acceptance. . . ."

Doesn't that then suggest that thoughts cannot be innately harmful?  This is what I can't understand.  Say I have a violent and hateful thought towards another.  Such a thought personally causes me distress and I do not wish to have it, but I push myself to have it and even encourage the thought, as a means of overcoming it and stripping it of it's control over me.  I had hoped that by doing so these thoughts would lose their power, but they seem to just be building in intensity, but maybe that is just temporary and is an example of increased negativity before positive transformation.  I don't know what I am doing to myself.

I would echo Jade, that pushing into the thought and "overcoming" it or "stripping it of it's control" is not balancing, but unbalancing.  "They just seem to be building in intensity" would be the consequence of your technique.  Having violent and hateful thoughts toward another is probably better balanced first by finding a reason to empathize with the other person.  If they did something to you, then imagine any possible rationale that would let you forgive them the infraction (super stressed out because husband is dying, child ran away from home and no sleep for 5 days, just diagnosed with terminal cancer).  You never can know all the motivations of others who disrepect you, but you can invent a million reasons in your head to forgive them their trespasses.  Just the act of trying to come up with these excuses for the other person is cathartic in and of itself.  The attempt to rationalize the trespasses of another person creates the balancing antithesis for it.  "Each thought that a being has, has in its turn an antithesis."  It is not a silly mental exercise to invent, in your head, the excuses for other people's actions.  And with an infinity of excuses that you can come up with, the more heartfelt ones you can imagine are the ones with the greater power to "balance" your initial anger and hatred.  Because thinking about puppy dogs and packages tied up with strings really does balm the soul.  After a time, your exercise to come up with an imaginary excuse for the trespasses of others becomes habit.  (6 weeks usually.)  And then you will find that you stop getting angry because for the past 6 weeks every time you have gotten angry you immediately "doused" that emotional flame with its opposite; an imaginary and loving excuse on the other person's behalf.

Road rage is assuming that the a**hole in the car in front of you is deliberately trying to slow you down and keep you from getting home!  Balancing is imagining that the person in front of you just went to the bakery, and they have balanced in the trunk a four layer cake to give to their best friend for his birthday, but any sudden start or stop in that car will send that cake crashing into the truck and ruin it.  Thus, that person is driving slow for a good reason!

I feel absolutely awful, but just because something feels awful doesn't mean that it has no value or benefit in regards the process of expansion of awareness.  I have tried asking for clarity on this issue, but to no avail thus far.

Some of the things I have thought and felt, and some of the things I have discovered about myself have horrified me and shaken me to my very core of my being.  It is frightening, but seemingly what is being asked of me.

I think a change of technique is what is being asked for, not more dwelling on the horrors of the inner creative mind.  And you have come to the right forum to ask for help.