How to balance?

[Jade]

It's more of a positive judgement thing than a negative judgement thing. Instead of saying "I don't want to experience x emotion" you say "I want to experience y emotion." You are free to experience all of the emotions that you want, as you want to, but you are giving them negative judgement by enjoying indulging in them, it seems.

It's not that I indulge in them as it is that I see them as in some way necessary to experience, for personal growth.  My view has been that if I can become conscious of and stare at my negativity directly in the face, and even encourage it to express itself, and not be destroyed by it, then it won't have so much of a hold on me and will be more under my control.  I see it as a way of purifying and strengthening myself.  What I am basically describing is catharsis.  I am afraid however that I have been causing myself unnecessary suffering by doing so and have been wasting all this time doing something which has no real benefit and only serves to harm myself and others.  Sigh.

I think it is more our reaction to our thoughts. Each thought>reaction is a distortion of the present moment, however. The first thought is the lesser distortion, and each judgement distorts further. This would probably be a good question to meditate on (as with most of these, your subconscious will give you more cohesive answers than I can)

Doesn't that then suggest that thoughts cannot be innately harmful?  This is what I can't understand.  Say I have a violent and hateful thought towards another.  Such a thought personally causes me distress and I do not wish to have it, but I push myself to have it and even encourage the thought, as a means of overcoming it and stripping it of it's control over me.  I had hoped that by doing so these thoughts would lose their power, but they seem to just be building in intensity, but maybe that is just temporary and is an example of increased negativity before positive transformation.  I don't know what I am doing to myself.

It sounds like you are not doing the balancing techniques as per Ra. Ra says "take an emotion and find its antithesis" to find its balance, not "take an emotion and run with it until you exhaust it". Thoughts build on thoughts. The more you think "negative" thoughts, the more they build on themselves. Again, there is no judgement in this, however it does not seem to be bringing you peace, but the opposite. So something needs to change, maybe?

That's up to you to decide. How do you feel when you're feeling these feelings? Do you enjoy it? Do you increase your awareness? If these feelings have value to you, then they are a gift to yourself.

I feel absolutely awful, but just because something feels awful doesn't mean that it has no value or benefit in regards the process of expansion of awareness.  I have tried asking for clarity on this issue, but to no avail thus far.

Some of the things I have thought and felt, and some of the things I have discovered about myself have horrified me and shaken me to my very core of my being.  It is frightening, but seemingly what is being asked of me.

Hmm, I'm sorry I missed your requests earlier for clarification - it does seem like the steps you are taking may not be ideal. Again, thoughts build on each other, things snowball - like meditation. The more you meditate, the better you get. The more you tell yourself "I'm great!" the more you hear yourself say "I'm great!" The more you think about causing harm to others, the more those thoughts get ingrained in pathways in the brain. You CAN choose which thoughts you think, you don't have to just indulge in all of them all the time to the max. Acceptance means you don't make yourself feel bad for having "negative" thoughts, not being so immersed that you can't escape them.

I wonder if it possible to have thoughts which are not your own.

Absolutely. I'd say that's what much of the human brain currently is: Thoughts that aren't ours. Learning to quiet the brain and meditate is how we start to learn which thoughts ARE ours (the first step in the balancing process, again). This is what discernment means. When we are children our brains are very malleable and we don't yet in this culture give that the respect it deserves. We are full of the junk of others, the media, the things we have been told to consume. Now, as spiritual beings, we must decide what we consume because what we think does affect our reality. We can't exist in this situation of infinite acceptance of all at once - our brains can't process that. So we have to focus down on the things we do desire. It seems paradoxical because one is supposed to have an acceptance energy of allowance, yes. But this is where the difficulty and time to process things lies. You must learn what that means to yourself - doing what you want while still accepting the world as it is. It's possible. It is tricky though.

You don't have to force yourself to indulge in negative thoughts, emotions, or desires. That is not what balancing is about. Anytime you are forcing anything, you are potentially cause damage. It's not worth it.