Family

[Aion]

Why do you think you feel this way towards them?  What about them does not jive with you?

I have yet to fully discover the cause of these emotions, which is bothering me greatly.  I can't point to any clear examples of abuse towards me and it almost feels like I am the one with the problem, the blame is entirely on me and I am a bad person for it.  I can't talk to any of them about anything (the very thought of doing so I find repulsive and repugnant with there being vast aversion and resistance) even though they would be willing to hear me out and help me.  I have been given ample opportunity to express how I feel and ask for help ("are you okay?" is a regular question) yet such attempts annoy me and make me want to withdraw even further.  Why?  

I do believe though that as a child my family failed me massively and did not provide me with the love, acceptance, understanding, affection, warmth, wisdom, guidance, help, attention and direction I so sorely craved, nor did they even come close to doing so.  Can something like that cause such intense feelings of disconnect, aversion and hate even though things are relatively peaceful and good otherwise?  Some people have it so much worse, yet they don't feel like this.  It's almost like I wish they were outwardly abusive towards me and treated me with contempt, then my feelings would be legitimate and I wouldn't have to carry around such guilt.   

Yeah, it's called resentment. They haven't given you what you expect them to.

Can that explain such severe disconnect and aversion?  I just keep coming back to the idea that other people have had it so much worse, yet they don't feel the way I do and remain close to their families.  I know we are all different, but maybe I expected too much from my family.  It's almost like I needed them to be extremely loving, affectionate and close knit.  Is that not asking too much and being unrealistic? 

Well how important are those things to you and what do you think it is like on their side of things?

I might ask if you feel you give that which you expect to receive? If not it could be a reflection that you yourself are not meeting your own expectations.