What is going on, here on Earth?

[anagogy]

I feel as though I have been able to internalize and believe this in the past, yet even in doing so I didn't feel any better really.  It felt rather shallow and ready to collapse at any given moment.  Maybe I just didn't do it for long enough, was insincere in my efforts or wasn't doing it correctly.  I don't know.

There is an inner conflict within me, with that conflict being that taking nothing seriously and seeing everything as a game is somewhat comforting and reassuring but at the same time there is a strong desire to take something seriously otherwise everything just seems trivial and pointless.  Taking things seriously however can very easily lead you into a state of despair and hopelessness when looking at the world and creation we inhabit.  So you can see my conflict; it's either be in a shallow state of 'peace' and 'all is wellness' or feel a deep and painful longing, sadness and despair.  I honestly don't know which one I prefer, they both suck aha.  What about a deep and lasting peace, meaning, connection and love?  It seems that that option is only available outside of this matrix or video game, as you put it.  Hence, I have a death wish as my constant companion.  

I admit though that I am afraid of love.  What if it isn't fulfilling and is ultimately disappointing?  What is left then other than annihilation?  I just can't seem to find a place in this creation to the point where I sometimes curse the creator for creating me in the first place.  There is so much more that I would like to express but I am unable to.  I can't disagree though that I am to blame for my current condition and that I need to take responsibility for it instead of blaming outside circumstances.  It's hard though.

I hear you.  That is the spiritual dilemma and one of the reasons we keep reincarnating.  When we are down in the seemingly serious drama of earth life, where separation seems real, where it seems like suffering is real, it is an adrenaline rush, but it is exhausting. So we start desiring, or asking, for more peace.  But then, we sort of get bored with peace, which causes us to desire, or ask, for a little bit of drama.  Thus, we incarnate into the drama again.  And start the cycle all over again.

One of things that is important to understand about the universe and the nature of reality in general is that whatever you place your attention on will expand.  There is no bottom to whatever barrel you are looking at.  The law of attraction will attract a a never ending stream of joys, or a neverending stream of miseries.  Whatever you choose to focus on will expand, and become more prominent in your experience.  And when what is Not Wanted is dominantly active in your vibration, you can only ever find evidence of that.  It can make the world seem dark and pointless and horrible.  If you can make that which is Wanted more dominantly active in your vibration, evidence of that will find its way to you, and you won't be worrying about what the point is of anything, or whether love will disappoint you.  It will be so obviously satisfying and better than you can possibly imagine in its completeness that you will wonder how you ever saw the world as anything other than that.

In fact, if you could just focus on a few things every day that are going right in your life, it would begin to gradually pull all these other subjects in your life into positive perspective as well.  I like to make lists of things I appreciate.  Really helps tune me to the well being of the universe. It's like counting your blessings. True, genuine appreciation raises your vibration dramatically.