special weird different defective

[Bluebell]

Tsh said something in my other thread that sparked this thread. i wanna talk about being special.

this word has a myriad of positive and negative connotations. to me it means different things depending on context.

i will tell u of my life as a special baby as i recall it.


i was born by cesarian section because my spoon head was too big. that's special, right?

i remember being a happy baby.

my mom will tell u i cried a lot.

my old kindergarten teacher will say i was annoying and always sick. (it's what she said to mom, who was probably overworked supporting her alien husband and alien baby while studying at university at the same time.)

i had migraines from infancy. i probably had migraines in the womb. i don't remember a time without them. but other than that i was happy.

i was in effect an alien. u can blame autism or soul n00bness. i just remember not knowing what was going on. all the time. people wanted things i didn't understand. expected things i didn't have in me to give. they were frequently disappointed by me. social rituals i didn't find logical totally confounded me. i tried but didn't understand. i just wanted to be.

as i grew i kept making social goofs. i said the wrong things. these accumulated. i was also cheerful, and popular and i loved making friends. i was happy around my beloved friends. i loved them so much. i thought they loved me back despite me being alien. (i knew i was an alien all along inside but it wasn't appropriate to say too often. i said it jokingly while i meant it) they didn't really love me though and losing them changed me profoundly.

so, around 13 while i was losing my childhood friends i was also getting depressed. probably hormones. my social goofs had amassed to the point where i felt eclipsed by them. my identity started to warp and break.

i became isolated. i was a failure. i wasn't good enough to keep. people i considered fundamental family didn't want to be around me anymore. that still hurts so much. i still dream about them all. i feel like a dream stalker. i would eternal sunshine of the spotless mind them all if i could.

i made some friends after that but i never got attached again. friends come & go.

i'm 32 now. the last couple decades have been identity chaos, failed socializing and isolation and just spiralling into a very dark opinion of myself. but it all taught me a lot.

in the end i now know that i'm not a person. i'm just me. people don't understand that and i can't make them. i will never fit in with people here on earth because they are people. i'm not. i don't see that as special. but it is different. i don't know how not to be. i've always wanted to just be accepted, different or not. i've gone fruitloops because i'll never be accepted into this world i love. i have so much self loathing in my subconscious. but also stubborn insistence to be myself.

that's my story, really. i have no word for myself except Me.

this isn't my wanderer story. it's my who do u think u are? thread.

what does alien/wanderer mean to u? how have u been different? do u wish u could be better at blending in? do u want to stand out?

y can't we like everyone? people that blend in and people that stand out. both bring something important to the table.

will u tell me about u?