06-24-2015, 08:39 AM
Great thread opener Plenum.
The school playground experience is probably the one we can most identify with. I was quite able to handle myself in those situations though because my bullying experiences happened at home. This would be better described as child abuse, however I feel these are the same issues involved, just with varying degree and impact. Whatever the degree though, it all falls into the category of seeking power, or as you say Plenum, an assertion of superiority.
It is easy for me to recall and share my experiences in this regard, however it has required a lot of inner work and transformation. I see my past drug addictions as a blessing because it proved to be a great catalyst in reaching that point of forgiveness and acceptance. I remember one Bring4th member using the term "arrested development" in one of my earlier posts, soon after interacting here. That term gave me extra insight into why I was feeling the way I was at that time.
So the assertion of superiority over me came by way of my step father. He had his biker friends visiting and we lived on the 3rd floor of a block of flats. These flats had an external balcony extending out from the living room. I was about 6 years old at the time when he felt compelled to pick me up and hold me over the railings of the balcony, upside down. In order to display his strength he released one arm so that I was suspended by his grip around one of my ankles. The traumatic part was when he faked letting me go. There was a concrete path down below and the fear induced in that split moment certainly "arrested" my development as a child. He immediately pulled me back over and put me down while laughing to his friends at his successful trickery. There were other instances after that but that was the most terrifying.
Many years later, my partner and I took a holiday to Ibiza for my 30th birthday and one day we went scuba diving in the mediterranean sea. Our instructor informed us that the bottom was 8 metres deep and to begin, instructed us to dip our heads into the water and just look down. I remember thinking "cool, I have dived off a ten metre board before so no worries". However as soon as I dipped my head into the water and saw the bottom, I had a flash back of that time when I was 6 years old. I thrust my head back out, took out the breathing apparatus from my mouth and proceeded to hyperventilate. After the 3rd attempt I managed to overcome this experience and spent a joyful 20 minutes or so hovering over the rocks on the sea bed below. Great fun!
Anyway, what I had realised after contemplating this experience of blind panic, was that despite forgiving those and accepting those things from my early childhood, I had yet to heal myself of it. Like the catalyst of drug addiction, this hyperventilating was also a blessing.
As for school ground bullying though, it wasn't until I was 16 and in my final year of secondary school that I experienced it. I had just moved to Colchester (Essex, UK) and on my second day at the new school, during maths class, I was offered some pot by a fellow classmate. I declined as I had never tried it before and was too into my sports to want to try it. Neither had I ever smoked. I knew my mother occasionally smoked it however and after returning home I said to her that I could get her some if she wanted. She went mad and first thing in the morning called the school to inform them of what had been offered to me, and by whom.
Oh dear
During form period I was called into the headmasters office to verify the accusations made and the kid in question was immediately suspended. He was a popular kid, I was a newbie and instinctively denied the whole thing.
I was then threatened with expulsion and it was then that I broke down in tears and admitted to what had happened. However I swore that I would say nothing to the police! After school that day my mum was furious because I had "betrayed" her and was made homeless for 10 days after that. That was no big deal to me though as I had been in and out of care a few times, and was allowed to sleep on the couch of a friends home who I had met before starting at this school. The school, understanding my situation offered to have me transferred but I stubbornly refused, and thus my nickname at school became "supergrass". There were occasional kicks and punches by the "cool" boys but I managed to stick it out and stay out of relative danger. I was too well seasoned where bullying was concerned for them to beat me into submission.
In contrast to that experience though, after leaving school I soon started selling drugs for that kid. He was well known, well connected and made a fair bit of money. While I not only had a newly developed habit that needed funding, I also had a reputation that needed restoring.
Quite an adventure!
L/L
Nick.
The school playground experience is probably the one we can most identify with. I was quite able to handle myself in those situations though because my bullying experiences happened at home. This would be better described as child abuse, however I feel these are the same issues involved, just with varying degree and impact. Whatever the degree though, it all falls into the category of seeking power, or as you say Plenum, an assertion of superiority.
It is easy for me to recall and share my experiences in this regard, however it has required a lot of inner work and transformation. I see my past drug addictions as a blessing because it proved to be a great catalyst in reaching that point of forgiveness and acceptance. I remember one Bring4th member using the term "arrested development" in one of my earlier posts, soon after interacting here. That term gave me extra insight into why I was feeling the way I was at that time.
So the assertion of superiority over me came by way of my step father. He had his biker friends visiting and we lived on the 3rd floor of a block of flats. These flats had an external balcony extending out from the living room. I was about 6 years old at the time when he felt compelled to pick me up and hold me over the railings of the balcony, upside down. In order to display his strength he released one arm so that I was suspended by his grip around one of my ankles. The traumatic part was when he faked letting me go. There was a concrete path down below and the fear induced in that split moment certainly "arrested" my development as a child. He immediately pulled me back over and put me down while laughing to his friends at his successful trickery. There were other instances after that but that was the most terrifying.
Many years later, my partner and I took a holiday to Ibiza for my 30th birthday and one day we went scuba diving in the mediterranean sea. Our instructor informed us that the bottom was 8 metres deep and to begin, instructed us to dip our heads into the water and just look down. I remember thinking "cool, I have dived off a ten metre board before so no worries". However as soon as I dipped my head into the water and saw the bottom, I had a flash back of that time when I was 6 years old. I thrust my head back out, took out the breathing apparatus from my mouth and proceeded to hyperventilate. After the 3rd attempt I managed to overcome this experience and spent a joyful 20 minutes or so hovering over the rocks on the sea bed below. Great fun!
Anyway, what I had realised after contemplating this experience of blind panic, was that despite forgiving those and accepting those things from my early childhood, I had yet to heal myself of it. Like the catalyst of drug addiction, this hyperventilating was also a blessing.
As for school ground bullying though, it wasn't until I was 16 and in my final year of secondary school that I experienced it. I had just moved to Colchester (Essex, UK) and on my second day at the new school, during maths class, I was offered some pot by a fellow classmate. I declined as I had never tried it before and was too into my sports to want to try it. Neither had I ever smoked. I knew my mother occasionally smoked it however and after returning home I said to her that I could get her some if she wanted. She went mad and first thing in the morning called the school to inform them of what had been offered to me, and by whom.
Oh dear
During form period I was called into the headmasters office to verify the accusations made and the kid in question was immediately suspended. He was a popular kid, I was a newbie and instinctively denied the whole thing.
I was then threatened with expulsion and it was then that I broke down in tears and admitted to what had happened. However I swore that I would say nothing to the police! After school that day my mum was furious because I had "betrayed" her and was made homeless for 10 days after that. That was no big deal to me though as I had been in and out of care a few times, and was allowed to sleep on the couch of a friends home who I had met before starting at this school. The school, understanding my situation offered to have me transferred but I stubbornly refused, and thus my nickname at school became "supergrass". There were occasional kicks and punches by the "cool" boys but I managed to stick it out and stay out of relative danger. I was too well seasoned where bullying was concerned for them to beat me into submission.
In contrast to that experience though, after leaving school I soon started selling drugs for that kid. He was well known, well connected and made a fair bit of money. While I not only had a newly developed habit that needed funding, I also had a reputation that needed restoring.
Quite an adventure!
L/L
Nick.
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