05-05-2015, 11:04 AM
I honestly just think I need a companion at times. There's a few truly serious things I wish to pursue in this life that I cannot do alone, despite loneliness being a theme that is seldom broken.
You speak the Law of Attraction too, I should try to remember that, it was the Core from which I operated with Unconditional Love. Only, it never found it's way back to me in the form of another person. Just huge amounts of polarization. I had the thought of my Son which always invoked unconditional love in my mind. Least until lately which has made it much harder to balance some feelings... Then I discover I've been operating from a selfish Intent, despite being of service to others oriented. Which really put me in an uncertain stance since a lot of things also suddenly came together and begun making sense regarding the most recent events.
Honestly. I wish I wasn't alone in person any more. That sole desire seems selfish, it's what drove me to want to graduate, to end the incarnations, so I wouldn't be so alone, so I could be useful in a better setting. I find all of these desires so superficial yet ingrained into my personality, I find it nice that I can logically differentiate my core desirous self from the odd habits and ways of reacting I seem to have learned. Yet there's so much I want to say but don't really want to say out of fear.
I am literally, emotionally, socially, and personally alone. I get to connect to a few friend's maybe once every other week, more on slow months but never enough to really be able to talk to them about really deep things that need to be expressed. I don't have that best friend I can tell everything. I don't have that coworker or anyone. No family members, I am on the opposite coast of them, with only my Mom. Who being half honest, wasn't a very good emotional connection, my Dad was indifferent, and then was gone around the middle of my middle school years.
I've detailed the few times I've had deep meaningful connections in my wanderer story, they have all ended in bad ways. I acknowledge blame to myself, but then realize I always have since my Mom blamed everything on me since I was a child then suddenly I realize I don't have anyone elses perspective, my own isn't even solid. I didn't even know what a Filibertos or Someburros was until a year ago. I was 21. I'm pretty heavily sheltered is what you'd call it. I no longer have social interaction outside of several hundred several second/minute encounters with usually indifferent people. (Working on changing that actively, or trying to make some kind of friendships...)
So I almost cannot comprehend how "It's twisted love at it's roots is just as pure as a bright love" can make any sense in the absence of being able to perceive Love at all. Which is the issue. I didn't even comprehend a real feeling of unconditional love until my son was born. I have a friend who's told me he has no idea what Love is or feels like. The Ra Material itself invoked a different kind of feeling of Love in me that I had perceived as never feeling before in my life. I felt maternal love from my ex's mom more so than from my own mom. I enjoyed her family's love more so than I had ever enjoyed my own.
Yet I never knew what unconditional love was until my son was born.
It's all just odd when I look at my life. The themes, the patterns. That I never even knew, that are long gone, that I don't know how translate into the future when I'm alone so often now.
I try to enjoy but recently many childhood issues are now coming forth as actual psychological 'issues', though I'd rather call it mental habits resulting from trauma. A habitual fear of interaction with people and society. A habitual dislike of the way of things. A habitual anger towards indifference and thus many people and at times my self. A fear of romance and 'serious' relationships. Dislike of people in general.
Yet caring so much it hurts seeing others hurt, and it hurts when I can't help others. I know my orientation. My intent is selfish though. I do selfishly want to be selfless, I want to provide Love, it feels good and it's a desirous thing. It's self-recursive is how I always saw it. I desire to Love with the intent to spread Love. This extended over with the Harvest. I desired to Love to graduate, with the intent to spread love.
This selfish means is apparently a Service to Self operation.
So now I'm working on figuring out a new means of operation. I am highly empathic. I do desire to simply spread Love because it's something I want others to see and know is possible to do. Except I realize most people aren't ready for it, so I question why I even should at all outside of situations that would be aided by such Love.
Is providing unconditional Love in the hopes it'll find it's way back to you a selfish thing? Apparently. But why wouldn't I? It's how I operate, it's who I am in a sense. I desire to treat people the way I want to be treated, thus I extend much consideration and love out to people in the hopes that it'll find it's way back to me. I don't mean it in a selfish way, but a positive one. I don't do it for that reason. I do it because its a good thing. Because to me it's right.
If I see a homeless person I try to provide, a drink, I'll buy them a bus pass or three. If someone is having a hard time I try to lighten up their day. I offer reassurance when I can and kindness when I can. Because I selfishly desire people to treat me that way, because I positively hope people will treat me that way or that that kindness and love will be attracted back to me.
So now I have this dilemma. This... I have some confusion on how the resolution of selfishly being selfless doesn't still allow for positive polarization in that you are providing unconditional love and utilizing your conscious will to Love and be of Service to Others, even if the intent is selfish, I'd think that once I link the concept that I want everyone to be treated the way I want to be treated as being the intent, It'd basically become a Service to Others orientation and intention.
Is it as simple as that...? What do you guys think?
You speak the Law of Attraction too, I should try to remember that, it was the Core from which I operated with Unconditional Love. Only, it never found it's way back to me in the form of another person. Just huge amounts of polarization. I had the thought of my Son which always invoked unconditional love in my mind. Least until lately which has made it much harder to balance some feelings... Then I discover I've been operating from a selfish Intent, despite being of service to others oriented. Which really put me in an uncertain stance since a lot of things also suddenly came together and begun making sense regarding the most recent events.
Honestly. I wish I wasn't alone in person any more. That sole desire seems selfish, it's what drove me to want to graduate, to end the incarnations, so I wouldn't be so alone, so I could be useful in a better setting. I find all of these desires so superficial yet ingrained into my personality, I find it nice that I can logically differentiate my core desirous self from the odd habits and ways of reacting I seem to have learned. Yet there's so much I want to say but don't really want to say out of fear.
I am literally, emotionally, socially, and personally alone. I get to connect to a few friend's maybe once every other week, more on slow months but never enough to really be able to talk to them about really deep things that need to be expressed. I don't have that best friend I can tell everything. I don't have that coworker or anyone. No family members, I am on the opposite coast of them, with only my Mom. Who being half honest, wasn't a very good emotional connection, my Dad was indifferent, and then was gone around the middle of my middle school years.
I've detailed the few times I've had deep meaningful connections in my wanderer story, they have all ended in bad ways. I acknowledge blame to myself, but then realize I always have since my Mom blamed everything on me since I was a child then suddenly I realize I don't have anyone elses perspective, my own isn't even solid. I didn't even know what a Filibertos or Someburros was until a year ago. I was 21. I'm pretty heavily sheltered is what you'd call it. I no longer have social interaction outside of several hundred several second/minute encounters with usually indifferent people. (Working on changing that actively, or trying to make some kind of friendships...)
So I almost cannot comprehend how "It's twisted love at it's roots is just as pure as a bright love" can make any sense in the absence of being able to perceive Love at all. Which is the issue. I didn't even comprehend a real feeling of unconditional love until my son was born. I have a friend who's told me he has no idea what Love is or feels like. The Ra Material itself invoked a different kind of feeling of Love in me that I had perceived as never feeling before in my life. I felt maternal love from my ex's mom more so than from my own mom. I enjoyed her family's love more so than I had ever enjoyed my own.
Yet I never knew what unconditional love was until my son was born.
It's all just odd when I look at my life. The themes, the patterns. That I never even knew, that are long gone, that I don't know how translate into the future when I'm alone so often now.
I try to enjoy but recently many childhood issues are now coming forth as actual psychological 'issues', though I'd rather call it mental habits resulting from trauma. A habitual fear of interaction with people and society. A habitual dislike of the way of things. A habitual anger towards indifference and thus many people and at times my self. A fear of romance and 'serious' relationships. Dislike of people in general.
Yet caring so much it hurts seeing others hurt, and it hurts when I can't help others. I know my orientation. My intent is selfish though. I do selfishly want to be selfless, I want to provide Love, it feels good and it's a desirous thing. It's self-recursive is how I always saw it. I desire to Love with the intent to spread Love. This extended over with the Harvest. I desired to Love to graduate, with the intent to spread love.
This selfish means is apparently a Service to Self operation.
So now I'm working on figuring out a new means of operation. I am highly empathic. I do desire to simply spread Love because it's something I want others to see and know is possible to do. Except I realize most people aren't ready for it, so I question why I even should at all outside of situations that would be aided by such Love.
Is providing unconditional Love in the hopes it'll find it's way back to you a selfish thing? Apparently. But why wouldn't I? It's how I operate, it's who I am in a sense. I desire to treat people the way I want to be treated, thus I extend much consideration and love out to people in the hopes that it'll find it's way back to me. I don't mean it in a selfish way, but a positive one. I don't do it for that reason. I do it because its a good thing. Because to me it's right.
If I see a homeless person I try to provide, a drink, I'll buy them a bus pass or three. If someone is having a hard time I try to lighten up their day. I offer reassurance when I can and kindness when I can. Because I selfishly desire people to treat me that way, because I positively hope people will treat me that way or that that kindness and love will be attracted back to me.
So now I have this dilemma. This... I have some confusion on how the resolution of selfishly being selfless doesn't still allow for positive polarization in that you are providing unconditional love and utilizing your conscious will to Love and be of Service to Others, even if the intent is selfish, I'd think that once I link the concept that I want everyone to be treated the way I want to be treated as being the intent, It'd basically become a Service to Others orientation and intention.
Is it as simple as that...? What do you guys think?