05-01-2015, 12:10 PM
You see, normally this is actually how I'd handle this aspect. However in this instance she did what you'd call, Came In Looking for a Fight.
She walked in already angry, and wanted to attempt to give me a hard time it seemed. Which is why I feel like I'm supposed to be angry. I don't actually know how to approach conflict of that nature in a manner that is...Going to end well for both of us. In that instance of selfishness and apathy I wanted to do good but she seemed to make it impossible. Which is why I feel like I want to be better, to handle these situations better.
I don't know if offering Love to someone looking for a fight is actually a wise decision or not. I understand it is a good decision for that person polarizing, but actually performing the 'act' of 'interaction' in a manner that leads to an overall positive outcome is uncertain and hard to attain. I look at it simply as I hope someone offers her the Love I was unable to get through. I know that anger so well, and it is a horrible experience. Not one I wish on anyone, even if they anger me to the point of rage, in my rage I can desire mean things upon people, but I'd never, truly, go through with them.
Dark horrible fantasies of revenge that I just keep locked up and let play out for their own sake of needing to be examined in my mind. I understand that people are mirrors, I was barely awake when this all happened, I had little love for her to mirror, but by the time it was all done, I couldn't calm down and stop thinking about it. Allllll niiight. I actually realized that my memory of the event was also wonky, I thought I leaned all the way over the counter when I told her she needed to leave. On camera, I leaned forward, two inches.
Makes me once more also revisit this memory catalyst regarding my suicide attempt. Memories for me seem wonky at times, my short term memory does fail me often (when sober I should add), I've had people tell me I said something that I have no recollection of saying, moments after I said it. My Mom recently asked me if I was okay, apparently I freaked her out from this occurring semi-rarely. I honestly don't know if I actually am, memory can be a fickle thing for me now a days.
But this is a good reminder to fully integrate this experience and utilize it for later.
I think...I guess possibly, probably, I've been having a great deal of 'greetings' lately in the terms of emotional loss of control, thoughts that don't seem my own, contemplation of the STS way, which always also throws me all off track because then I realize I don't know really much anything about the STS way which makes it harder to empathize with when dealing with attributes of a person of that path. Next to that though the rest I'm uncertain of.
Thank you, Minyatur, you're very fun to talk to!
She walked in already angry, and wanted to attempt to give me a hard time it seemed. Which is why I feel like I'm supposed to be angry. I don't actually know how to approach conflict of that nature in a manner that is...Going to end well for both of us. In that instance of selfishness and apathy I wanted to do good but she seemed to make it impossible. Which is why I feel like I want to be better, to handle these situations better.
I don't know if offering Love to someone looking for a fight is actually a wise decision or not. I understand it is a good decision for that person polarizing, but actually performing the 'act' of 'interaction' in a manner that leads to an overall positive outcome is uncertain and hard to attain. I look at it simply as I hope someone offers her the Love I was unable to get through. I know that anger so well, and it is a horrible experience. Not one I wish on anyone, even if they anger me to the point of rage, in my rage I can desire mean things upon people, but I'd never, truly, go through with them.
Dark horrible fantasies of revenge that I just keep locked up and let play out for their own sake of needing to be examined in my mind. I understand that people are mirrors, I was barely awake when this all happened, I had little love for her to mirror, but by the time it was all done, I couldn't calm down and stop thinking about it. Allllll niiight. I actually realized that my memory of the event was also wonky, I thought I leaned all the way over the counter when I told her she needed to leave. On camera, I leaned forward, two inches.
Makes me once more also revisit this memory catalyst regarding my suicide attempt. Memories for me seem wonky at times, my short term memory does fail me often (when sober I should add), I've had people tell me I said something that I have no recollection of saying, moments after I said it. My Mom recently asked me if I was okay, apparently I freaked her out from this occurring semi-rarely. I honestly don't know if I actually am, memory can be a fickle thing for me now a days.
But this is a good reminder to fully integrate this experience and utilize it for later.
I think...I guess possibly, probably, I've been having a great deal of 'greetings' lately in the terms of emotional loss of control, thoughts that don't seem my own, contemplation of the STS way, which always also throws me all off track because then I realize I don't know really much anything about the STS way which makes it harder to empathize with when dealing with attributes of a person of that path. Next to that though the rest I'm uncertain of.
Thank you, Minyatur, you're very fun to talk to!