07-02-2010, 06:56 AM
While I completely approve of your intent to help them out. If I was in their place and would discover the true price. (And if I was a guy in need of money I would be price conscious and check these things out!) Then I would never ask you for your help again.
Sometimes family members or friends we don't see often want to buy us gifts. The parents of my ex were very extreme in this. They would sneak off with anything we picked up in a store and secretly pay for it...
It was very uncomfortable. Near the end I made more money than my father in law. I am an adult and have been for some years now. And I don't want to go shopping and not pick up articles out of fear that my inlaws might sneak of with them and pay for them. I don't want to play grateful when I'm actually annoyed about the infringement on my autonomy. I'm an adult.. I make my decisions.. Not them. In the end I had to switch to "I don't want you to do this it makes me feel bad" from "You didn't have to do this"...
Again, I totally approve of your eagerness to help these folks out. It demonstrates that you and your wife are good and caring people. But I would recommend not secretly paying their bills. Instead offer to do it openly. Make it a standing offer. This way you're putting their integrity first and they will appreciate that and come to you for help easier when they decide they really need it. Because they know they will retain some control if they come to you. That feeling is important especially when asking for help. And I suspect you'd rather help them at the points they need it most.
Maybe you can think up schemes to save them money that they would accept. Like eating together. Or when going somewhere you use your car. Babysit for them so they don't need to rent a sitter. Do repairs together so they don't need to rent a repair guy. Offer to give them your old tv/dishwasher/fridge/whatever if theirs breaks down, stuff like that. (Oh I was already thinking about buying a new one if you want the old one that's cool, just give me a few days to arrange things.)
I've done that one a few times. The only thing they don't know and can never discover at that point is that you were actually thinking about buying a new tv somewhere next year and not actually today.. But that is arbitrary anyway right? And it gives you something fun to experience yourself whilst doing someone else a favor.
Imagine your friends coming to town with you to buy you a new fridge because the old one broke down and you can't pay for a new one. You'd pick the cheapest one you find that you won't be happy with and still feel terribly awkward. Now imagine your friends coincidentally getting a new fridge just as yours breaks down, and you get to have their old one... Lucky break right?
Sometimes family members or friends we don't see often want to buy us gifts. The parents of my ex were very extreme in this. They would sneak off with anything we picked up in a store and secretly pay for it...
It was very uncomfortable. Near the end I made more money than my father in law. I am an adult and have been for some years now. And I don't want to go shopping and not pick up articles out of fear that my inlaws might sneak of with them and pay for them. I don't want to play grateful when I'm actually annoyed about the infringement on my autonomy. I'm an adult.. I make my decisions.. Not them. In the end I had to switch to "I don't want you to do this it makes me feel bad" from "You didn't have to do this"...
Again, I totally approve of your eagerness to help these folks out. It demonstrates that you and your wife are good and caring people. But I would recommend not secretly paying their bills. Instead offer to do it openly. Make it a standing offer. This way you're putting their integrity first and they will appreciate that and come to you for help easier when they decide they really need it. Because they know they will retain some control if they come to you. That feeling is important especially when asking for help. And I suspect you'd rather help them at the points they need it most.
Maybe you can think up schemes to save them money that they would accept. Like eating together. Or when going somewhere you use your car. Babysit for them so they don't need to rent a sitter. Do repairs together so they don't need to rent a repair guy. Offer to give them your old tv/dishwasher/fridge/whatever if theirs breaks down, stuff like that. (Oh I was already thinking about buying a new one if you want the old one that's cool, just give me a few days to arrange things.)
I've done that one a few times. The only thing they don't know and can never discover at that point is that you were actually thinking about buying a new tv somewhere next year and not actually today.. But that is arbitrary anyway right? And it gives you something fun to experience yourself whilst doing someone else a favor.
Imagine your friends coming to town with you to buy you a new fridge because the old one broke down and you can't pay for a new one. You'd pick the cheapest one you find that you won't be happy with and still feel terribly awkward. Now imagine your friends coincidentally getting a new fridge just as yours breaks down, and you get to have their old one... Lucky break right?