Passing the time

[Billy]

I don't even know what I want. What I do know is that I don't want this. Surely there is a more efficient way of knowing, rather than trial and error. I dont want to live in a state of despair, exhaustion and hopelessness, but I'm finding it so hard to let go. You are all so sweet. Thanks for the replies

If your body was stronger and healthier, would you find more to be worthwhile in your experience?

I've been asking myself this question as of late. The answer is probably not. Life would be more comfortable I suppose, but I agree with your sentiments on comfort. I look around at how others spend the days and it doesn't really vibe with me. This is gonna sound horrible, but sometimes I say to myself "how on earth does that person live like that day in and day out". It's not like I hate myself or anything. In fact, I'm rather fond of who I am. Sure, there are things which bother me deeply, like my inability to articulate my deepest feelings, but that is ok. I think I've been underestimating how vital external circumstance/situation is to our well being. Something as seemingly trivial as which suburb im walking through or the architecture or design of a building I'm in can have a surpising effect on my current mental state. What did guatama mean when he said "happiness can only be found within"? Did he mean external circumstance doesn't matter? Damn you veil haha.