02-22-2009, 04:44 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-02-2010, 08:28 PM by Bring4th_Steve.)
Hello Carla and everyone,
I identify with being a wanderer because of all my false starts in life and the inability to fit in anywhere. I figure that my group must be elsewhere and that even though I pass unnoticed in everyday life I do feel this 'chronic differentness' all the time( phrase from From Elsewhere-Scott Mandelker). It registers as disinterest in the status quo. I have a need to contemplate issues deeply. It's a gift but it's a curse too.
In the Wanderer's Handbook there's a section on “Spiritual Exhaustion". I think that's my situation now after 7 years of searching for a spiritual home, somewhere to belong or even a companion to share the journey.
I was not always spirit minded, it's only been the last 8 years or so since a major illness changed my direction in life. The illness was painful enough to make me question what I took for granted or what I considered 'important' because it paralyzed me for a time. In hospital I had my first metaphysical experiences and being unable to move I spent my time in bed or in a jump chair with a small crane moving me between the two. I battled extreme pain and the fear of being crippled.
One day I thought I was having a fit. I saw black arms reaching from around the bed and pulling me down with a lot of force. All I could see where these black arms and hear the hideous laughing sounds of ghouls. When I saw the nurse walk in I went to scream but my face froze. It was a disturbing experience that made me feel like I was descending into hell for punishment. In delirium I would sob and ask total strangers “What have I done wrong?
I managed with the support of family and friends and my own efforts with visualizations to get better. However, I was mentally a very different person afterwards and my attempts at going back to art school failed. I didn't seem interested in my ambition to be an professional artist anymore, I had more interest in matters of spirit. And the big questions loomed large, Who am I?, What is all this life around us?
A few months after leaving hospital, I had another experience. I had just started learning meditation with the Gnostics at this time. One night while lying in bed, an energy field came to me, I heard it approaching as a buzzing noise in my ears. It locked on and my body started vibrating. Rings of vibration then scanned me. I felt a being above my head and got up on one elbow and said “Is that you?”. No answer, just 'his' presence. Now I see a veil floating in front of my face. A breeze comes through the veil and rolls down my body, I can feel every hair bend. The being reaches out and moves my hands to my heart, right then left, very slowly and carefully. Then he rotated my body left then right and when I came back to centre there was an asian girl in my bed. She was wearing a white dress and her eyes were wide open. I could see through the image, it was like a hologram. The being used my voice to say “Your partner in the game”.
This began a period of 6 months or so of other experiences like floating in space and OBE's. I don't know what it was about but it made me curious to seek more. I had striven all my life with technical ambitions...Science degree, strings of unskilled jobs, aircraft mechanic and pilot and then art school but now I wasn't interested anymore and became a vagabond, traveling around the country and the world seeking answers to my questions. I volunteered at spiritual communities and stayed at ashrams and meditation retreats of all persuasions. It was a time of many new experiences that enriched me in some way. I never danced so much! It was a time of great influences.
Some groups were okay and I had an adaptability that helped but invariably I eventually had to move on because of some incompatibility, the feeling of 'something missing'. My last attempt at finding a spiritual home was with a Buddhist group.
All this makes me think I just don't have the experience to do well in this kind of society. I felt like I have lacked wise guidance all my life and had to experience things first hand. Recently, I feel connected to advanced societies in the cosmos where guidance is more comprehensive and where wisdom holders are more numerous......I read avidly on this subject and exopolitical subjects.
I spent the last two years in severe depression after my last experiences more or less destroyed my trust and confidence in finding my group, I pray for guidance. I have withdrawn a lot and spend most time alone. One psychiatrist tried to put me in a mental hospital. I have symptoms of avolition and problems with focus or goal directed activities and show no interest in mainstream work. I live with my mother and father who are over the moon to have their son back..that's a plus! I just came into contact with The Ra Material and hope to gain insights and meet like minds here.
I do occasional paintings and journal drawings, like photography and writing. Contemplate a lot. I read some of the stories here and everyone has had an interesting life! Maybe we are here to hold an alternative orientation and experience love even though it hasn't been felt to be given. Sometimes I would like things to be simpler and to get my courage back to do something with my life.
Thanks Carla for making this forum available, I enjoyed writing this short rambling and wish you good health too.
Love and Light,
Ben
I identify with being a wanderer because of all my false starts in life and the inability to fit in anywhere. I figure that my group must be elsewhere and that even though I pass unnoticed in everyday life I do feel this 'chronic differentness' all the time( phrase from From Elsewhere-Scott Mandelker). It registers as disinterest in the status quo. I have a need to contemplate issues deeply. It's a gift but it's a curse too.
In the Wanderer's Handbook there's a section on “Spiritual Exhaustion". I think that's my situation now after 7 years of searching for a spiritual home, somewhere to belong or even a companion to share the journey.
I was not always spirit minded, it's only been the last 8 years or so since a major illness changed my direction in life. The illness was painful enough to make me question what I took for granted or what I considered 'important' because it paralyzed me for a time. In hospital I had my first metaphysical experiences and being unable to move I spent my time in bed or in a jump chair with a small crane moving me between the two. I battled extreme pain and the fear of being crippled.
One day I thought I was having a fit. I saw black arms reaching from around the bed and pulling me down with a lot of force. All I could see where these black arms and hear the hideous laughing sounds of ghouls. When I saw the nurse walk in I went to scream but my face froze. It was a disturbing experience that made me feel like I was descending into hell for punishment. In delirium I would sob and ask total strangers “What have I done wrong?
I managed with the support of family and friends and my own efforts with visualizations to get better. However, I was mentally a very different person afterwards and my attempts at going back to art school failed. I didn't seem interested in my ambition to be an professional artist anymore, I had more interest in matters of spirit. And the big questions loomed large, Who am I?, What is all this life around us?
A few months after leaving hospital, I had another experience. I had just started learning meditation with the Gnostics at this time. One night while lying in bed, an energy field came to me, I heard it approaching as a buzzing noise in my ears. It locked on and my body started vibrating. Rings of vibration then scanned me. I felt a being above my head and got up on one elbow and said “Is that you?”. No answer, just 'his' presence. Now I see a veil floating in front of my face. A breeze comes through the veil and rolls down my body, I can feel every hair bend. The being reaches out and moves my hands to my heart, right then left, very slowly and carefully. Then he rotated my body left then right and when I came back to centre there was an asian girl in my bed. She was wearing a white dress and her eyes were wide open. I could see through the image, it was like a hologram. The being used my voice to say “Your partner in the game”.
This began a period of 6 months or so of other experiences like floating in space and OBE's. I don't know what it was about but it made me curious to seek more. I had striven all my life with technical ambitions...Science degree, strings of unskilled jobs, aircraft mechanic and pilot and then art school but now I wasn't interested anymore and became a vagabond, traveling around the country and the world seeking answers to my questions. I volunteered at spiritual communities and stayed at ashrams and meditation retreats of all persuasions. It was a time of many new experiences that enriched me in some way. I never danced so much! It was a time of great influences.
Some groups were okay and I had an adaptability that helped but invariably I eventually had to move on because of some incompatibility, the feeling of 'something missing'. My last attempt at finding a spiritual home was with a Buddhist group.
All this makes me think I just don't have the experience to do well in this kind of society. I felt like I have lacked wise guidance all my life and had to experience things first hand. Recently, I feel connected to advanced societies in the cosmos where guidance is more comprehensive and where wisdom holders are more numerous......I read avidly on this subject and exopolitical subjects.
I spent the last two years in severe depression after my last experiences more or less destroyed my trust and confidence in finding my group, I pray for guidance. I have withdrawn a lot and spend most time alone. One psychiatrist tried to put me in a mental hospital. I have symptoms of avolition and problems with focus or goal directed activities and show no interest in mainstream work. I live with my mother and father who are over the moon to have their son back..that's a plus! I just came into contact with The Ra Material and hope to gain insights and meet like minds here.
I do occasional paintings and journal drawings, like photography and writing. Contemplate a lot. I read some of the stories here and everyone has had an interesting life! Maybe we are here to hold an alternative orientation and experience love even though it hasn't been felt to be given. Sometimes I would like things to be simpler and to get my courage back to do something with my life.
Thanks Carla for making this forum available, I enjoyed writing this short rambling and wish you good health too.
Love and Light,
Ben