At the superbowl party this past weekend, I saw my friend in the following interaction:
Setting: Crowded living room, however, probably 90% of people could get an unobstructed view of the television. My friend (friend A) was sitting in a position where it appeared that no one would need to be seated behind him. However, a few more people appeared at halftime, including friend B who knew friend A. Friend B had to watch from behind friend A. Due to the location, friend B's view was slightly obstructed by friend A. The vast majority of the room was populated by people that no one really knew - all friends of other friends. Maybe 20 or so people were in the room. Friend A could shift positions to let Friend B watch more comfortably, but is unaware of blocking friend B's view.
Catalytic exchange during a commercial break:
Friend B (the one sitting in the back): Hey Big Head! Your head is so big I can't see anything! Move that thing over! (said in a macho condescending tone. Friend's A head is normal sized, perhaps slightly larger than average but he's like 6 feet so its proportional)
Friend A (the one blocking b): Moves without saying anything.
Friend B: Ahhh so much better!
The exchange takes place loud enough so that everyone could hear. I wasn't able to see friend A's reaction because he did not turn around. But I know in the past such exchanges would get me angry because it feels as if friend A is making fun of friend B in a mean way while also having a legitimate point of blocking his view. Mind you, this is one example of a consistent type of mean but justified comment that I see frequently in parties of my social circle (although not usually directed at me these days). It almost feels like these sort of exchanges is about yellow ray energy, both from the people interacting and from the entire observing group. It seems to be about power.
I think about how I currently handle those situations is mainly by making sure they don't happen to me:
(1) I have so much experience in these settings, that typically I position or be in such a way that no one can find fault with me. If someone wants to insult me, they can't hide in a legitimate justification (such as me blocking someone's view). Although this works most of the time, I know I'm going to slip up eventually.
(2) I've significantly reduced my contact with such people. Unfortunately, in the macho culture of mostly singles/going out people of late twenties to mid thirties in orange county, we're talking that social outtings usually have a good smattering of people who like to make justified comments as exceptionally mean ones, as a way of increasing their social status.
Other ways I've handled things in the past:
(3) Ignore them completely and do not move. Usually does not work that well in all situations because all it takes is for one other person to parrot the justification and then the social pressure is to move.
(4) Tell them to ask nicely. Usually does not work as the person making the comment sees it as weakness. They ask nicely, then once you move it's "Thanks big head!!"
(5) Tell them that you will move if they do something for you, like get a beer for you. This feels like you save face as you make the person do something relatively minor. I've used this with great effect, although I'm not sure if this is the ideally balanced response.
(6) Move without looking or acknowledging the comment, as friend A did.
(7) turn the negative comment into a positive funny one, like "That's what she said!!" and then move. This is specific and requires thinking on your feet and does not always seem available.
Things that I think are ineffective:
(8) Telling the person during (in front of everyone) or after (one on one) that you don't appreciate the tone. It just seems to create a feeding frenzy of where you put a bullseye as you are "sensitive" and then unpolarized or negative people mess with you more just to get a rise out of you.
Thoughts on a balanced response? Thoughts on a practical response? How would you react?
Setting: Crowded living room, however, probably 90% of people could get an unobstructed view of the television. My friend (friend A) was sitting in a position where it appeared that no one would need to be seated behind him. However, a few more people appeared at halftime, including friend B who knew friend A. Friend B had to watch from behind friend A. Due to the location, friend B's view was slightly obstructed by friend A. The vast majority of the room was populated by people that no one really knew - all friends of other friends. Maybe 20 or so people were in the room. Friend A could shift positions to let Friend B watch more comfortably, but is unaware of blocking friend B's view.
Catalytic exchange during a commercial break:
Friend B (the one sitting in the back): Hey Big Head! Your head is so big I can't see anything! Move that thing over! (said in a macho condescending tone. Friend's A head is normal sized, perhaps slightly larger than average but he's like 6 feet so its proportional)
Friend A (the one blocking b): Moves without saying anything.
Friend B: Ahhh so much better!
The exchange takes place loud enough so that everyone could hear. I wasn't able to see friend A's reaction because he did not turn around. But I know in the past such exchanges would get me angry because it feels as if friend A is making fun of friend B in a mean way while also having a legitimate point of blocking his view. Mind you, this is one example of a consistent type of mean but justified comment that I see frequently in parties of my social circle (although not usually directed at me these days). It almost feels like these sort of exchanges is about yellow ray energy, both from the people interacting and from the entire observing group. It seems to be about power.
I think about how I currently handle those situations is mainly by making sure they don't happen to me:
(1) I have so much experience in these settings, that typically I position or be in such a way that no one can find fault with me. If someone wants to insult me, they can't hide in a legitimate justification (such as me blocking someone's view). Although this works most of the time, I know I'm going to slip up eventually.
(2) I've significantly reduced my contact with such people. Unfortunately, in the macho culture of mostly singles/going out people of late twenties to mid thirties in orange county, we're talking that social outtings usually have a good smattering of people who like to make justified comments as exceptionally mean ones, as a way of increasing their social status.
Other ways I've handled things in the past:
(3) Ignore them completely and do not move. Usually does not work that well in all situations because all it takes is for one other person to parrot the justification and then the social pressure is to move.
(4) Tell them to ask nicely. Usually does not work as the person making the comment sees it as weakness. They ask nicely, then once you move it's "Thanks big head!!"
(5) Tell them that you will move if they do something for you, like get a beer for you. This feels like you save face as you make the person do something relatively minor. I've used this with great effect, although I'm not sure if this is the ideally balanced response.
(6) Move without looking or acknowledging the comment, as friend A did.
(7) turn the negative comment into a positive funny one, like "That's what she said!!" and then move. This is specific and requires thinking on your feet and does not always seem available.
Things that I think are ineffective:
(8) Telling the person during (in front of everyone) or after (one on one) that you don't appreciate the tone. It just seems to create a feeding frenzy of where you put a bullseye as you are "sensitive" and then unpolarized or negative people mess with you more just to get a rise out of you.
Thoughts on a balanced response? Thoughts on a practical response? How would you react?
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