How do you learn from/understand catalyst when it doesn't make any sense?

[Plenum]

I tried strengthening my communication with guidance, higher self, creator, whatever label seems best. Truth is, I cannot hear any of them or if I do the answer I get seems to be "Go forward, backwards, left and right", so I chose to stay where I am. At this moment I feel that the only thing I want to do is be a passive observer of my life, not because I'm tired and sick of it not making any sense, but because I feel any choice i make will just drop me further into the void. A lot of the time I just imagine myself pointing the middle fingure high up to all the guidance watching over me to simply state that their way of guiding feels cruel.

I should say that meditation, contemplation and anything related don't seem to have the same effects on me that most here report. It might be that my ego is too strong and holding hands with what some would call high intellect. So, I'm trying looking inside and there's too much noise outside or I'm trying to figure it out through dreams but (after several months of trying to understand symbolism) they just don't make sense, so I record them but I avoid trying to explain them cause I just get let down, either because I end up feeling incompetent or completely disconnected. In the meantime, i understand that there are people out there with problems far surpassing mine, but given the fact i am the centre of my universe the only problems I can really, trully identify with are my own.

Thoughts?

thanks for being so honest OP.

I commiserate with you. I've been in that situation, where one choice seems to lead you into a box, a very dark box, and there's no seeming way to get out.

all the old tools that you had used quite effectively to that point then become ineffective and blunt. They just worsen things.

there's no easy out. all I can offer is this. ask yourself:

if I could see one star in the whole universe, and only one, what would it look like? what would it represent? what qualities would it have?

at first, you will just recycle old answers, old inspirations. Then you will find new ones, but they don't seem to fit quite exactly, they're almost there but not quite.

then when you find that one quality, that one thing that you would want in the whole universe, you will make the life changes necessary to get to that point. It may take months, even years, but you will start moving in that direction.

you have my sympathies friend

plenum