How do you learn from/understand catalyst when it doesn't make any sense?

[Unbound]

Have you tried just saying "f*** it" and choosing to simply do what you love and enjoy in life?

I think your issue is thinking that there is anything to fix. There is nowhere to go, and you are doing exactly what guidance is trying to show you, TAKING THE CHOICE IN TO YOUR OWN HANDS.

Because even choosing to "do nothing" (which is impossible), is still a choice.

Could also try the Hawaiian Ho'oponopono directed towards yourself or anyone, the word expresses, and is good to supplement with -

I love you,
I'm sorry,
Please forgive me,
Thank you.

Especially towards yourself, since it seems you have given yourself a very challenging life of catalyst here, and you should give yourself some appreciation not only for your self-dynamic creativity but that you have as such come this far.