*trigger* beware need advice

[Charles]

lightworker, you have a decision to make, and it's your decision.

I (and very likely everyone else here) will support you in your decision, whatever that may be.

But . . . and perhaps this is just an ex-victim speaking . . . I read an awful lot here about you going there to help him, and about his growing and changing for the better, on his own.

His having already done his own healing work is at best a 50 - 50 maybe.

But let's say that those advisers are correct, and that your grandfather does both realize and regret the agony of body and mind he has caused within you . . . . I say, that if that were true, He Would Have Let You Know, And Apologized to you long before now.

It feels just as possible to me, that he may have grown so old, that his penis won't work any longer, and since he no longer has children easily available to torment, he's "changed."

That is Not a change of heart. That is a change of circumstance.

Those advisers who expect you visit him, and to calmly comfort him, have very likely never themselves experienced any helpless terror. Probably the repetition of his assaults have erased your memory of the initial shock, but the First Time Shock of this, does remain as part of your pain.

I read the advice given to you . . . to go to see him without rage or blame, and with a gentle smile, because "your goal is first to assist him, and second to forgive."

Ass backwards if you ask me. First love yourself or you will be unable to love him. And if you don't care for him, You Cannot Help Him. First let go and forgive yourself and him, or you will continue to carry the heavy weight of anger, and self blame, and terror.

Lightworker, you fear an "outward display of hate" and I agree with you. Going there with zero anger, and with a calm smile, BEFORE Doing Your Internal Work, will not help him at all, and may well add to the weight you carry, because uncontrolled hysteria may be stronger than your calm and loving false smile.

It's no good unless it's real.

The likelihood of his denying your claim and ignoring your pain is great. The likelihood of this confrontation clearing or calming things For You is small.

This continuing torment, created by your grandfathers selfish evil, has also very likely injured your self esteem. Your parents doing NOTHING to help you, not even an embrace, no prayer, and no counseling, and no removal of your grandfather from your life . . . very likely reinforced your confused low self esteem.

Loving, Includes Loving Yourself.

Loving and forgiving (IMHO) must begin with yourself. Love Yourself, and do what you feel is Best For You. This is Not STS, this is an emotional and medical necessity.

AFTER you have cleared your mind, and calmed your heart, your STO work will be real, and you have all the time in the world for this.

You can still reach him after he's died, you can talk to him, you can send him Light, and you can forgive him. Or, you may prefer to just lovingly leave him with the Wisdom of his Enlightened Elders and Teachers.

Wish him well, send him Light, and breathe easily while you're at it.

Then, it will be real.

Your internal and balanced resolution of this mess, which he caused, has nothing to do with his soul growth, and everything to do with yours.

He will grow, and he will heal. And maybe in some future lifetime he will help you in some manner. We do all share the same destiny.

Forgiving yourself and him, will ease your pain, and make a helpful confrontation possible. That would include your being able to exercise a wise and wonderful STO. But the fact is, that you haven't the time for this (he is dying now), and now a decision needs to be made.

Accept the fact that this "time" constraint may be a part of your learning and growth. It is forcing you to make a decision, to love yourself Now, or to go do a phony STO that hasn't a chance of working.