*trigger* beware need advice

[Confused]

I did not realize this before. However, now I am convinced from my own abusive behavior to my mother that when a person abuses, they clearly lose the art of living. They forget what it is to feel the beauty of life around them and only want to absorb and see pain, so as to convince themselves that reality is only that, an unending phantasmagoria where the strong abuse the weak. To know and accept beauty and love becomes an exercise in pain and hypocrisy for such a soul, whose heart has closed itself to the tender emotions that make life worth living for the vast majority. Moreover, abusive behavior clearly opens the gate to the dark side, whether one realizes it or not. It is such a stain on the natural state of the soul that the abuser has to keep erecting higher and higher walls of denial and manipulation so as to not let the outside world see through the beastly secrets and morbidness of their heart.

As a person who has abused, when I look back, I can clearly see the pattern that I abused because deep inside me I felt cut off from everything else and everybody else. In other words, I felt alone and undervalued, with no purpose or hope in life. Though the first seeds of my abuse of my mother stemmed directly from the greatly horrible experiences with my father who abused me in the most imaginative of psychological ways (especially in the context and culture of my country), it is only right to now admit and accept that I chose the path without stopping to consciously search, as an adult, for appropriate methods of alleviating my situation. In other words, abusers carry in them, I think, a deep strain of entitlement, which is usually what makes them overtly jealous, possessive and envious, which adds fuel to already latent mentally violent and abusive tendencies. Moreover, I think an abusive person's behavior contains a virulent cry for revenge for some real or imaginary wrong done to them, which renders everyone they meet beyond a point of time as enemies before their now mentally transformed eyes, just because those others have the ability to be happy and to take part in social interactions and smile with natural joy.

I know my abuses were all always driven deeply by self-loathing and fear. Yes, the very fear that opens the portals of darkness. As a person who felt psychologically violated myself and as someone who became prey to unceasing insomnia, I lost all bearing and I turned into a sociopath unable to maintain healthy relationships. Somehow, in my degraded state, I wanted to feel superior to people in any which way possible. I wanted to feel human by raising myself over other humans. When those attempts were constantly thwarted, my anger and fear only exacerbated without me knowing what evil brew was frothing deep inside my subconscious. In a state wherein an abuser comes under the grip of the straitjacket of fear and revenge, I think it is easy from that point to develop a character that is very cold and calculating, somewhat akin to the character of Max Cady in the film Cape Fear (1991). From that point on, I think an abusive mind develops thoughts like only my 'my' agenda and 'my' pain is important and that the world is unfair to me and always out to get me. In short, the mind becomes deeply paranoid, inhabiting a very different space of consensus reality, and the slide to a brute animal like existence is now almost complete. At that point, I guess no amount of love from outside is really helpful, as the abuser gets into a vicious circle of abuse, guilt, resentment and the need to further abuse to maintain some sort of psychological integrity in order to feel what they did all along was only right or justified. Sadly, I know all that and have been through that, myself.

I am sorry, my dear mother and dear One Infinite Creator. I kneel before creation with a heavy heart, a heart stained by fear, helplessness and a sense of deep worthlessness, which fuels negative competitive behavior. I am very sorry, though I know saying sorry is not going to take away the past pain.

Thanks for reading.

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I strongly suggest replacing this wall with a Light barrier instead. Works best for me. And there is no shortage you know, the Light is infinite.

Thanks for that suggestion, Charles. It makes a lot of sense. I agree.

My mother used the term wall as a means of completely forgetting and letting go my guilt and self-loathing for what I have done to her in the past. However, I see what you mean. It makes for perfect sense to draw a circle of light around oneself, something akin to the banishing ritual, in order to prevent hitherto banished negative mental energies from entering the frame once again.

Thanks once again.