02-01-2010, 11:31 PM
First I would like to say that this is a heavy issue. I’m not sure how helpful my humble words can be in a situation of this gravity, but I will try my best, as I know what you are feeling.
I have been in a near identical situation. When I was in high school I went through a very bad period. I saw horrible, terrible things in my head, as if someone was putting together an obscene slide show and flashing it through my mind. Every time I pictured the ones I loved, I started to see horrible things happening to them. I could visualize a flower and it would turn black and die. I couldn’t trust myself to be around any type of sharp object because I felt like I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from attacking others or myself with it. An unnatural darkness welled up within me and my behavior became increasingly psychotic. It was as if a huge, smothering hand was closing its grip tighter around me every day. I was very paranoid and thought I was demon possessed. I am not saying these things to try to scare you or to lament events that have happened in my life. I just think if you know you’re not alone in the experience it might bring you some comfort and strength.
What happened? Well, I got committed to a psychiatric hospital. As awful as the experience was, it kept me from killing myself. I was also fortunate enough to have someone there to hold my hand.
Obviously, I would want to avoid you ending up on a psych ward. Though it worked for the moment they are really not nice places for people like us. They have a name for spiritually enlightened people in those places: schizophrenic. Still, if you ever feel like there is a strong chance you might hurt yourself or someone else, I would advise you to at least be in a place where your actions can be supervised. There are things that happen in moments of dreadful impulse that we can seriously regret, and it’s better to have someone keeping an eye on you in these stages. Even if the person isn’t that close to you, it’s better than trying to wade through it alone. If you have anyone you can be with these feelings rise up, I would try with all my means to get to them.
Secondly, I would say that these things tend to pass. I’ve had similar “episodes” on and off for years, but if I can just hold my ground and make it through them there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. These things generally aren’t meant to go on for an endless amount of time. The whole point is to introduce one moment that is so intense, that exploits your weaknesses so well, that you simply crack under the pressure. These beings are hoping that the intense pressure being put on you will be enough to make you forget your long term goals, forget that you have help and guidance, forget why you came here, forget your will power and forget yourself. While you might have a general barrage of light fire coming at you at all times, this kind of thing is meant to be a high impact shot that will shock you to the point that you lose your mind for the briefest of seconds, because a second is all it takes. If you can just remember the infinite nature of the universe, it might help to dampen the impact.
Remember that you have help. You have guides that can help to protect and shield you. There are numerous light beings standing on call when they are needed- in dire times like this. Don’t be afraid to ask them for help. Q’uo has said this to me personally at one of Carla’s meditations. “You need to remember to ask for help.” and “Your guidance is closer to you than your breathing.” Often times I feel like I am simply meant to bear these things alone. I don’t want to bother others with my problems and feel inadequate in my inability to fend for myself. However, unconditional love bears unconditional support. When you are truly, purely loved, and you are, there is no shame in reaching out to other parts of the One to remind you what a grand piece of the One you are. It is good that you are asking us for help, too. If there is anything more I can do to help besides write these words, please let me know and I will gladly try to help.
Finally, a technique I have used that tends to help me, is I imagine what the absolute worst things that could happen would be. I have had the fear of negative space, so I imagined what if worst came to worst and got cut off from my body and had to incarnate in negative space. Would I still find it somewhere within myself to be at peace? Would I remember that no matter where I am, the Creator sees me? That all will be well? I think I could do that. Obviously I don’t want such an event to happen, but knowing that if it did I think I could still carry on without dissolving into complete sorrow and madness gives me the courage to face the possiblity.
And always, try to send love. Sending love to someone who is seeking to harm you can be very difficult, but if you can love your enemy with all your heart, there is such a purity of love that wells up within you that the light simply cannot be contained by any trap conceived by the darkness. Try considering this entity your brother and not your enemy. If anything, it will put you in a better state of mind to face these difficult times.
I will send love and light to you and pray that you can find that strength from the flame within to guide you forward.
-Lynn
I have been in a near identical situation. When I was in high school I went through a very bad period. I saw horrible, terrible things in my head, as if someone was putting together an obscene slide show and flashing it through my mind. Every time I pictured the ones I loved, I started to see horrible things happening to them. I could visualize a flower and it would turn black and die. I couldn’t trust myself to be around any type of sharp object because I felt like I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from attacking others or myself with it. An unnatural darkness welled up within me and my behavior became increasingly psychotic. It was as if a huge, smothering hand was closing its grip tighter around me every day. I was very paranoid and thought I was demon possessed. I am not saying these things to try to scare you or to lament events that have happened in my life. I just think if you know you’re not alone in the experience it might bring you some comfort and strength.
What happened? Well, I got committed to a psychiatric hospital. As awful as the experience was, it kept me from killing myself. I was also fortunate enough to have someone there to hold my hand.
Obviously, I would want to avoid you ending up on a psych ward. Though it worked for the moment they are really not nice places for people like us. They have a name for spiritually enlightened people in those places: schizophrenic. Still, if you ever feel like there is a strong chance you might hurt yourself or someone else, I would advise you to at least be in a place where your actions can be supervised. There are things that happen in moments of dreadful impulse that we can seriously regret, and it’s better to have someone keeping an eye on you in these stages. Even if the person isn’t that close to you, it’s better than trying to wade through it alone. If you have anyone you can be with these feelings rise up, I would try with all my means to get to them.
Secondly, I would say that these things tend to pass. I’ve had similar “episodes” on and off for years, but if I can just hold my ground and make it through them there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. These things generally aren’t meant to go on for an endless amount of time. The whole point is to introduce one moment that is so intense, that exploits your weaknesses so well, that you simply crack under the pressure. These beings are hoping that the intense pressure being put on you will be enough to make you forget your long term goals, forget that you have help and guidance, forget why you came here, forget your will power and forget yourself. While you might have a general barrage of light fire coming at you at all times, this kind of thing is meant to be a high impact shot that will shock you to the point that you lose your mind for the briefest of seconds, because a second is all it takes. If you can just remember the infinite nature of the universe, it might help to dampen the impact.
Remember that you have help. You have guides that can help to protect and shield you. There are numerous light beings standing on call when they are needed- in dire times like this. Don’t be afraid to ask them for help. Q’uo has said this to me personally at one of Carla’s meditations. “You need to remember to ask for help.” and “Your guidance is closer to you than your breathing.” Often times I feel like I am simply meant to bear these things alone. I don’t want to bother others with my problems and feel inadequate in my inability to fend for myself. However, unconditional love bears unconditional support. When you are truly, purely loved, and you are, there is no shame in reaching out to other parts of the One to remind you what a grand piece of the One you are. It is good that you are asking us for help, too. If there is anything more I can do to help besides write these words, please let me know and I will gladly try to help.
Finally, a technique I have used that tends to help me, is I imagine what the absolute worst things that could happen would be. I have had the fear of negative space, so I imagined what if worst came to worst and got cut off from my body and had to incarnate in negative space. Would I still find it somewhere within myself to be at peace? Would I remember that no matter where I am, the Creator sees me? That all will be well? I think I could do that. Obviously I don’t want such an event to happen, but knowing that if it did I think I could still carry on without dissolving into complete sorrow and madness gives me the courage to face the possiblity.
And always, try to send love. Sending love to someone who is seeking to harm you can be very difficult, but if you can love your enemy with all your heart, there is such a purity of love that wells up within you that the light simply cannot be contained by any trap conceived by the darkness. Try considering this entity your brother and not your enemy. If anything, it will put you in a better state of mind to face these difficult times.
I will send love and light to you and pray that you can find that strength from the flame within to guide you forward.
-Lynn