My Dark Night of the Soul

[Tenet Nosce]

I had PTSD, and went to a shrink. He was a cool guy, in my age. He prescribed me some drugs, that I took just for couple of weeks, and we had some ordinary, traditional therapy. That was step one. As soon I "got up from my knees", thanks to him and medication, I dropped these, and started to "wake up" instead. That was step two.

Thanks for sharing your story. Wow, it sounds like we have all been through some troubled times in our lives! I am curious to learn more about your transition from step one to step two. Was there a defining moment or realization? Or was it just slow and steady recovery?

We are all very different. We can share what worked for us and what did not, but each has his/hers own way of dealing with their personal problems. Some need a specific medication or treatment, which for another can have a totally opposite effect. There is no "one" way that can be applied for everyone.

I find this to be exquisitely astute. One day, if I ever get to become a Logos and have my own creation, I intend to deeply seek for some means to "hard-wire" this understanding into the consciousness of my sub-logoi such that no matter what darkness may come, they will at least remember this without a doubt:

There is no such thing as the "one true way" for everyone.

---

I think most people on this forum have been though lows that have ultimately resulted in growth. Frustration at a system we don't fit into seems particularly common. My suggestion is to forget about the system and focus on your brothers and sisters who are also just trying to get through today. What can you do today to help make someone else's life easier? Are the volunteering or mentoring programmes you could give an hour of your time to? Could you offer to help an elderly neighbour do their groceries or tidy their garden? Looking outwards and actively seeking opportunities to serve others can be enormously cathartic, helping to halt the inward, downward, depressive cycle.

Hi, Lorna! I don't believe we have previously interacted on this forum, however I first wanted to honor your 420th post. I hope it helps GreatSpirit to find peace!

I think you have some great recommendations in being outward-focused. Clearly, we know that service to others is beneficial to the spiritual growth of the self.

Although if I may add it can be sometimes extremely difficult to simply forget about the system. I have observed that it is fairly easy for one to get caught in the undercurrents and get so caught up in the system that it seems near impossible that one will ever recover any freedom at all! I, myself, am in the midst of still dealing with the system fallout of some events which occurred five years ago. Though I have long since learned the lesson of those events, the "system" is still following me around like a ball and chain. So I can see how this could easily become extremely frustrating unto the point of hopelessness.

If I may, as one who has experienced fierce anger and disgust with the system, I have found it beneficial to my psyche to ponder deeply upon what the key faults of the system are, and in so doing to receive inspiration as to how to do things differently next time. So this has been valuable catalyst for me. Sometimes one may choose to become deeply under the thumb of the "system" so as to discern the exact pathway to freedom.

---

GreatSpirit, I was put on Saphris before, which is comparable to Abilify, though it's sublingual. That was after I had my "mental breakdown" which was an awakening for me. They kept me on it for 5 months before I took myself off. I was also on Risperdal as well to counter the jittery feelings I felt.

Thank you for sharing this profound insight: that a perceived breakdown may in fact be a breakthrough.

I do believe at first it was needed because I went so far out that I lost track of reality, thinking I was in 4D. I'd watch movies and I'd see them differently than everyone else, and heard Ra talking to me. It was funny because one movie me, my dad and stepmom watched made no sense to me. I asked Ra in my mind if it made sense to my parents and Ra told me "they're not really there". I guess in a sense it was true but I felt they were. It was some crazy times but definitely fulfilling for me. I guess that time was my dark night of the soul because I had some extreme fears where I lost control of my mind.

I am quite certain you are not crazy, as I have documented similar experiences here with regard to watching something on Netflix which addressed issues and dynamics that I had just observed in this forum! In addition, as I have also documented, these "quickenings" as I have called them seem to be associated also with solar activity. They appear to accentuate the perception of holographic reality, and this brings with it certain difficulties you alluded to in attempting to relate this type of experience to others who have no personal basis from which to interpret it.

If I may offer one humble word of precaution: guard well your thoughts. I have spent much time in contemplation of direct contact with higher entities and, from here behind the veil, things are not always what they seem.

All in good time. Awakening to these higher realities too quickly can result in serious damage to the physical vehicle and result in extreme confusion in the mind. But I suspect you already know this.

---

From your words, you've been open and honest about certain decisions or actions that may not have served you as well as you'd hoped. Mistakes, as you've called them, although there are no such thing, each is a learning experience which holds much value. Have you spent time reflecting/contemplating upon these decisions? Once you find the root emotion or belief that caused you to make said choice, you can start to heal from them, change them, and choose differently in the future. It's a very powerful thing to do, and if I'm not mistaken, Ra promotes this as a means of exponential growth.

Thank you for sharing this wisdom with respect to the nature of perceived mistakes. Often times in my life I have just had to surrender to myself to the idea that "one day" certain gross errors in my personal judgement will turn out to have a positive effect. And I have found this to indeed be the case.

Recognizing the pattern seems to be such a difficult task, but in retrospect it always appears so obvious. If I may add one thing I learned along the way, it is that there is only a fraction of a second time between which a negative stimulus is perceived and a programmed maladaptive response ensues. It is exceedingly difficult to maintain awareness and catch this moment when it comes.

However, once it passes, it is near impossible to stop the pattern before reaching its conclusion. In this respect, I have found it sometimes useful to, upon noticing that a maladaptive program has been triggered within myself, to actually exaggerate it and speed it up, rather than to attempt to stop it. Somewhat surprisingly, this has resulted in some rather humorous moments as I am able to observe my own absurdity.

A question, if you don't mind. Do you take responsibility for your life, or do you feel as if you were a victim of unassociated circumstances and events?

Ah, this is really such a deep question. I perceive those who are contemplating suicide to be undertaking a very deep study into these matters. And it is not without a great measure of genuine risk. Did we choose to be born here? Or were we thrust into this world against our will? These are very deep questions which pierce to the heart of the matter.

[Ankh]

Thanks for sharing your story. Wow, it sounds like we have all been through some troubled times in our lives! I am curious to learn more about your transition from step one to step two. Was there a defining moment or realization? Or was it just slow and steady recovery?

This is just something I noticed, but it might not apply to everyone, so in some cases I am wrong in this "un-scientific" conclusion: I noticed that the greater the catalyst the greater the pain that grows inside, which is supposed to give birth to the desire to seek outside the illusion. Not everyone has the strength or the ability though to get up from their knees so to speak, and start seeking. I am grateful for my life, as I realise that perhaps without those heavy catalysts in that life, I might have still be sleeping, enjoying flowers and distractions of this illusion (which I still certainly dooooo, sometimes; who wants to be serious all the time anyway )

It was a slow and painful transition, till one magical night that I hold close to my heart in my memory. It was dark and cold outside. I was sitting in the kitchen with my laptop with a little lamp lit behind my back. I was looking at some paranormal/spiritual websites and forums, never finding it. But that night, just as I was about to leave one site and never return again, there was one last thing I decided to read. And in there I came across this link: www.lawofone.info (Thank you, βαθμιαίος, thank you!!). When I opened that website - pooofffff!! And I still have difficulties to find all the right words for everything that I've felt and feel in terms of gratitude, liberation and love! That's it, my brother! =) What about you? Have you experienced something like that? That "poofff!"?

Did we choose to be born here? Or were we thrust into this world against our will? These are very deep questions which pierce to the heart of the matter.

During my "sleeping" period I used to think: "What did I do to have derserved to be born into this world? I must have done something really, really bad to have been brought into this madness. I must be a very bad person, so they had to "take away my wings" and throw me out of the paradise". And similar thoughts. But you know what, Q'uo's idea of to have won the lottery, the ticket, and been "approved, or allowed" to come here, resonates far more with me. So yes, we all lined up to come here, but the line was so loooong; and each and one of us, won that entry. What do you think yourself?

[Oceania]

Tenet, i used to fantasize about pushing the button. but it was to save everyone from this pain that we feel. mostly i wanted to end torture of animals and people. now i know nuclear bombs cause more pain and destroying a planet does as well. i think it's not a good idea to contact someone's parents though, who knows they might be what made him nuts in the first place.

[Ankh]

Tenet, i used to fantasize about pushing the button. but it was to save everyone from this pain that we feel. mostly i wanted to end torture of animals and people.

Visualising that you push one, magical button that makes all the pain and the suffer on this planet to stop, is one of a heck of the Gaia meditation technique! (If you doing it with the Creator's love/light, and not the nucs that is! )

[Oceania]

i would not do it with nukes!

[AnthroHeart]

For me it has been about increasing my spiritual mass, which is essentially allowing Creator's light. This makes the field so dense that little distrubances like that are automatically auto-balanced as I would term it. The mass sort of overcomes little distortions that arise, so I don't really see it as difficult to maintain awareness and "catch the moment". I don't think that's necessary.

If we are at peace in stillness, surrounded by a dense field, it takes a lot more catalyst to get it to "ripple".

Recognizing the pattern seems to be such a difficult task, but in retrospect it always appears so obvious. If I may add one thing I learned along the way, it is that there is only a fraction of a second time between which a negative stimulus is perceived and a programmed maladaptive response ensues. It is exceedingly difficult to maintain awareness and catch this moment when it comes.

---

I'm not talking about a synchronicity. My experience was a full blown hallucination with interactivity.

I was off topic before so I moved this previous post to: http://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthread.php?tid=3273

- Thomas

I am quite certain you are not crazy, as I have documented similar experiences here with regard to watching something on Netflix which addressed issues and dynamics that I had just observed in this forum!

[Ruth]

Tenet Nosce - I chose Ruth as my username because it is part of my name - my middle name - and was also my Mother's name, and my Grandmother's name. Fitting, don't you think?

As for my Dad responding to my love and light - I finally realized, as I said, that he is not a "negative entity" rather a person, another individual just like me, doing the best he can, and that a big part of the problem with our relationship was ME not him! When I changed myself, the relationship changed. It didn't happen overnight, and we are both still working on it. I now realize that he is really a very loving guy, with his own wisdom to share. But he's learning, too.
I've also been working on my intro for the intro thread. I balk at giving myself a label - Wanderer, whatever. I'm just me.

About choosing to be born here - when I was younger and would lash out with the inevitable "I wish I'd never been born." or "I didn't ask to be born" my Dad would tell me, "Well, you sure swam like heck to get here!"

[kycahi]

I take supplements and meds for the depression, and am grateful for them. Side effects are minimal for me right now, thank One.

I am glad to here that you have found some balance on the physical side of things! Might I note as a word of precaution. This probably doesn't apply directly to you as you mentioned you are not experiencing too many side effects. But there are some schools of thought which suggest very high doses of certain supplements in order to treat depression. This can cause some problems with rebound effects and interactions with medications. It is a somewhat delicate balance, as I am sure you have learned.

Also, have you at all looked into the potential interactions between gut bacteria and mental health. It is a particular area of expertise of mine, and I find it fascinating! This is fairly new research so most practitioners probably have not heard of it yet:

Mind-Altering Microbes: Probiotic Bacteria May Lessen Anxiety and Depression

I don't think I overdo any supplement; I even limit coffee to one morning cup. Sometimes I run out and take a few days before replenishing. That might reveal something untoward, and it hasn't yet. I have even reduced doses to see if I can save some some money. Sometimes this brought back a depressive symptom over time, so I return to the regimen.

Just about one year ago I came down with pneumonia, for which the dr. prescribed a strong, single-pill anti-biotic. He said to look for pro-biotic yogurt to restore my gut bacteria, so this kind of made a reset of the fauna in there. It made no change in my mental state, so I don't think it is my cause. Thanks for the idea, though. I really think it's pre-incarnative programming, although I could point to my mother's behavior toward me, which didn't help. :-/

[Oceania]

gut bacteria, serotonin and autism are linked. i am autistic and i've always had a sensitive tummy as do many autistics. i also have serotonin deficiency and it causes depression and OCD and anxiety. i take tryptophan supplements for OCD as well as inositol. the tryp adds serotonin. also autistic children with IBS etc take serotonin reuptake inhibitors for their stomach problems. it's all linked. what we feel as gut intuition is linked to this as well. somehow there's serotonin in the gut, serotonin is a neurotransmitter. are there braincells in our tummies?

i can't have any coffee. dark chocolate or toomuch chocolate gives me heart flutters and upset tummy. i can't even stand any spice anymore.
most pro-biotic yogurts do nothing imo. i think some of us have issues that need a more indepth care, also they sell yogurt as probiotic when it's not.

[Richard]

O,

You can buy probiotics in capsule form. Check the expiration date on the bottles to make sure you have as fresh a material as possible. Keep the bottle tightly closed and in the fridge when not using it.

There is not enough probiotic in yogurt to do much of anything. Also, most yogurts are using a single strain of probiotic. The capsule form (read the labels) can provide you with a mixed strain product. Much better for you.

I take a mixed strain probiotic twice a day.

Richard

[AnthroHeart]

Oceania, have you tried drinking alkaline water? That helped with my upset stomach.

[Oceania]

i used to have those in the fridge Richard but my OCD made it hard to use them so i gave it up. i never tried it again but now that i take supplements i could try it. thanks for the reminder. ocd limits my life insanely. sometimes i can't take meds or supplements because of it. :/

where do you get alkaline water?

---

Great Spirit are you still facing homelessless? how are you doing?

[AnthroHeart]

They have ionisers that make it Oceania. Or you could just put some limejuice in water, as it turns alkaline in the body.

[Oceania]

lmejuice? isn't that acidic?

[AnthroHeart]

Yes, but the body converts it to alkaline. Same with lemons.

Here's some info: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...942AAbofQ7

[Oceania]

odd. i've always felt attracted to citrus. but things on IBS say to avoid citrus and raw vegetables.

[Tenet Nosce]

most pro-biotic yogurts do nothing imo. i think some of us have issues that need a more indepth care, also they sell yogurt as probiotic when it's not.

There are many specialized formulas that are available through licensed health care practitioners. In addition, specialized testing is available through Metametrix Labs or Genova Diagnostics:

GI Effects Complete Profile - Stool
Comprehensive Digestive Stool Analysis/Parasitology™ (CDSA/P)

Please keep in mind:

Imagine the next followed Q/A's:

Quote:43.17 Questioner: Then I am assuming that we would still need to poop in fourth density?

Ra: I am Ra. This is correct. We would like to add that the physical waste products which you call "poop", is in fourth density golden and smells like roses.

*laugh*laugh*laugh* [img]images/smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[GreatSpirit]

Well I did tell my folks about the job loss, and they took it fairly well. So they'll help me out a bit. As for the unemployment, I'm still waiting on the court date for the hearing so it could be in a few days, or a few weeks but it'll be long regardless. If it doesn't go through, oh well, but I'm just dreading getting another job. I've been holding up decently. Nothing extraordinary of course, but I have some food and pretty much everyday is the same. People call to check up on me and make sure I'm "still here". I'm still kicking.

Just an update.

[Namaste]

Great to hear there are still bridges with your parents.

Remember that your thoughts create your reality; if you continue to dread getting new jobs, you will attract jobs that offer said vibration, until you decide to choose otherwise.

As a daily exercise, visualise being at a job you enjoy. Hold that place for a few minutes, and feel the joy/gratitude as if it were happening in the now. Then let go of it, and get on with your day staying as positive as you can.

In a universe of infinite potential, the only jobs you get do not have to be centered around dread and fear. Quite equally, they could be of enjoyment and love.

You get to choose :¬)

[Ruth]

Thanks for the update, Great Spirit. So happy things are beginning to look up for you. I've been thinking of you and sending you positive, healing, encouraging thoughts.

Hope you will try the exercise Namaste recommended to you. It worked for me!

Love and light!

[GreatSpirit]

Ugh!! Sorry I keep ranting on negativity and keeping this thread open, but this is the only place I can express myself without major judgement. I haven't found another job yet, and my unemployment hearing is on Wednesday. Kind of freaked out about it because I think I'll loose. The only bright side I had was that I was approved for food stamps.

To be honest, I am seriously contemplating killing myself now. I didn't tell my folks the 100% truth of how I lost my job and they are a little pissed off about it now. I am behind on my rent and the landlord came to the apt today and told me I have to be out by November 1st. There was some BS that went on with CEO (welfare office) and my back rent assistance so now he told me to go back down and fix it or else I'm out. I told him fair enough, but it was strange because the building manager filled out the forms for me and I handed it back to CEO so I don't know what the problem is and still don't. He just told me he took my security deposit for October's rent and that the building manager was no longer employed with him and that I have to go back down and fix it. Major BS now and I'm really freaking out. He's kind of a slum lord I guess since this building is a dump.

Besides my financial situation, I'm freaked out about the coming financial crash and possible war with Iran (more like WW3) soon. This whole Saudi assassination and bombing plot is a total false flag....and one that I've been waiting for to happen. My research and inner gut tells me this is so. It's going to suck big time, so even people here who are happy go lucky here telling me to just be positive will suffer because of it. It's a universal thing.

But I've been applying for jobs on Monster and no to avail. This is really getting me down!! I'm about to loose my apartment and car. My parents are more concerned about their credit score then me so if I can't make the payments, they are going to refinance the car and sell it since they co-signed the loan. Then I'll be out of transportation.

It's just like one problem stacked on top of another and if I don't get my unemployment I'm royally screwed. Even if I do get it, my old employer might appeal it again and I could risk having to pay it all back now.

I just don't know where to f*cking turn to!! I was seriously thinking about going into the hospital again tonight as I write this because at least there I can be somewhat safe and cool off. If I tell them the full scoop on the conspiracy junk and that I have psychic abilities, I may end up being in the mental hospital till the end...because of course us conspiracy theorists are totally wacko and must be dealt with promptly!! I had to deny it last time I was there.

Part of me wants to end my life, and part of me doesn't. I really don't want to go through the experience of seeing everyone crying over me in my casket and the potential karma it would create. My dad would probably kill himself and my mom would be shaken to the core. But part of me...or someone else....just wants to end it because we all know 3D is an illusion and even a 4D experience seems non-enticing. I do believe I have good valid reasons to end it and go home.

I've also been paying close attention to my dreams and trying to interpret them....and so far...not so good. All negative ones.

I think the bell is tolling for me... I told God the other night to either help me, or kill me and to stop f*cking around. Maybe God is giving me the green light to say, "come son...you can come home now." I already wrote my suicide note. Tried to make it as cheery as possible.

[Meerie]

I think these conspiracy theories and dwelling in thoughts about possible disaster scenarios is not doing you any good at all. Try to focus on the positive instead.
If you really feel you cannot go on anymore, check into that hospital. Suicide is not an option, believe me. Just think of all the grief you will cause your loved ones... besides since death is only an illusion and life goes on on the other side you will find yourself over there with probably the same problems as here.
Love and light to you!

[Namaste]

You don't need to take your own life dear brother, not at all.

The catalyst described could indicate your thoughts have remained in a similar place as to before. The tone of the post is indeed fearful. I agree with Meerie, reading the conspiracy stories - true or not - and dreading it, is the way to manifest further negative circumstances.

As above, so below.

Read/watch things that uplift you and raise the spirit. In those times of clarity, you are open to positive synchronicities to manifest. They can be most unexpected!

The universe is a Cosmic Mirror dear brother, it will continue to hand you the same lessons until you change internally.

Think greater than your circumstances, and hold that vibration. It's not easy, especially when you're feeling down, but its the key to change. You must be honest with yourself here, an external smile with an internal lull will not do. Hence, reading things that uplift can offer incredible change.

Much love.

[Oldern]

GreatSpirit, please, please reconsider the killing yourself part.
The catalysts you are facing now are there for a reason. You, your higher self decided to order it to your current incarnation. You have something to learn from them. Killing yourself will only make you reincarnate with most likely what is the same task and the same lessons, with a slightly different personality and/or background.

Embrace the worst that could happen. There are homeless people all around the world. People without hope, without financial stability, without anyone to go to. They still live. And you, you have a knowledge of something greater that can turn all suffering into pure and unconditional love. Do not give up, perservere, and try to shake up your view of your situation once more, because this is the catalyst that you need right now, whether you like it or not. I will be sending love in my daily meditations, hoping that you will get out of the problems safely and balanced.

[ƒ❤losopher]

I think the bell is tolling for me... I told God the other night to either help me, or kill me and to stop f*cking around. Maybe God is giving me the green light to say, "come son...you can come home now." I already wrote my suicide note. Tried to make it as cheery as possible.

HE is waiting for YOU to surrender not you surrendering your body!

Showers of LOVE & LIGHT & GRACE to you.

[Namaste]

Also remember, He is not external. He is You. There is no difference :¬)

[GreatSpirit]

Well I did go to the hearing and it was a disaster. The referee was a total d*ckhead and was rude and kept interrupting me so I'm 100% sure I won't get my unemployment. I felt such a vibe of disrespect from him. My manager even lied to him too under oath and the lawyer they had was being dramatic. Oh well. Corporate greed...it shall be destroyed.

But some light at the end of the tunnel. My mom called one of the subsidized housing units in my city and they have a vacancy so I have to call them tomorrow. All utilities are included so at least I'll have a working stove. Since I have no income, I can live there for free until I get a job. I'm most likely going to loose my car but oh well. Too expensive anyway. At least my mom will take my cat for me. I made her promise me. I love that little guy and he's one of the few things that give me happiness in life.

Strange I felt somewhat better after I left the hearing. All I need is this new apartment and my rent check to go through the CEO, and I can consider this nightmare I'm going through over!!

I've had my ups and downs in my short 28 years of life here. I'm an 11 life path and I knew that my life would be filled with extremes and probably always will as long as I live.

[Namaste]

Wonderful to hear you feeling like a weight is lifting!

Good luck with the call tomorrow :¬)

[Plenum]

Well I did go to the hearing and it was a disaster. The referee was a total d*ckhead and was rude and kept interrupting me so I'm 100% sure I won't get my unemployment. I felt such a vibe of disrespect from him. My manager even lied to him too under oath and the lawyer they had was being dramatic. Oh well. Corporate greed...it shall be destroyed.

wow, sounds like a tough experience GreatSpirit.

hope things got better.

:idea: