Worry/Hope

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Hi, I'm going to just sort of think out loud here as I'm tired a bit this is a result of a 'before bed contemplation'.
So in an effort to make sense of my anxiety I've been trying to map out emotionally what causes it.

I noted that the core causal emotions were two, technically more and less due to how emotions blend but the big two specifically were:

Worry and Hope.

It made me realize that anxiety for me is derived from hoping too much and worrying too much. It actually makes me ponder if these are two sides of the same coin, and if that coin is called 'Concern'.

If I concern myself with something, does this result in anxiety?  It actually does for me anyway.  An inordinate amount of anxiety.

Maybe I'm wrong and concern is just a first incorrect guess...

Ah...  I don't know, I was trying to figure out the nature of the emotion Worrying, as I do so a great deal.  It also lead to me realizing how Hope makes me anxious, as if to hope for something implies there's also something to worry about hence why we would hope in the first place.
Does that mean Hope and Worry are the results of Anxiety?  Of Fear?

So then is fear the major catalyst to worrying?  Does anxiety stack, and grow worse if not dealt with??

[Foha]

I am not certain I can help with anything, but I would like to share my coping method with anxiety.

My coping method is to accept the worst possibility, this being what I worry about.
Then I hope for the best possibility, that way I can still be surprised.

Determining which happens, I try to let go of. Now I do not mind the worst possibility and can only be pleasantly surprised.

[Minyatur]

It's simple. Expectations. To love unconditionally is to love without expectation.

Think about how you could feel if you felt for humanity as if it was a single being. All the people reflect all the colors of that being in what it can feel. Worry and hope are emotions tainted by control, they are not unconditional.

[rva_jeremy]

There's a part of the Chödrön book I keep talking about that discusses this directly.  She says hope and fear (worry is a kind of fear) are two sides of the same coin:

The word in Tibetan for hope is rewa; the word for fear is dokpa. More commonly, the word re-dok is used, which combines the two. Hope and fear is a feeling with two sides. As long as there is one, there is always the other. This re-dok is the root of our pain. In the world of hope and fear, we always have to change the channel, change the temperature, change the music, because something is getting uneasy, something is getting restless, something is beginning to hurt, and we keep looking for alternatives.

This ties directly in with the points about expectations and acceptance, as ably pointed out by the previous two otherselves.  But I think you'd have your interest piqued by the whole book, which you can find online here.

[xise]

Accept the outcome of the worry or fear. See yourself - or find a way of - being ok even if it comes to pass. This method works on both rational and irrational fears.

Ra says that acceptance is the method of the positive polarity. I've begun to use this recently with external worries to good effect.

[YinYang]

I think worry implies a lack of trust, and also a lack of acceptance. We were actually chatting about this yesterday afternoon. If we go from the supposition that you are a wanderer who came here, then you knew exactly what kind of a situation you were coming into, and you knew exactly what the evolutionary level of earthlings are. The biggest disservice you can do this place, is constantly thinking and commenting on what is wrong with it, thereby rejecting it. It's not trusting the evolutionary mechanisms that were put in place, and the game playing itself out. It's not understanding creation and destruction, while knowing that there is no loss.

Ra: It is to be kept in the forefront of the faculties of intelligence that there is one creation in which there is no loss.

Ra: This is why we iterate quite often, when asked for specific information, that it pales to insignificance, just as the grass withers and dies while the love and the light of the One Infinite Creator redounds to the very infinite realms of creation forever and ever, creating and creating itself in perpetuity.

Why then be concerned with the grass that blooms, withers and dies in its season only to grow once again due to the infinite love and light of the One Creator? This is the message we bring. Each entity is only superficially that which blooms and dies. In the deeper sense there is no end to beingness.

I am reminded of an argument between Alan Watts and Margaret Mead.

I once had a terrible argument with Margaret Mead. She was holding forth one evening on the absolute horror of the atomic bomb, and how everybody should spring into action and abolish it, but she was getting so furious about it that I said to her: "You scare me because I think you are the kind of person who will push the button in order to get rid of the other people who were going to push it first."

So she told me that I had no love for my future generations, that I had no responsibility for my children, and that I was a phony swami who believed in retreating from facts. But I maintained my position. As Robert Oppenheimer said a short while before he died, "It is perfectly obvious that the whole world is going to hell. The only possible chance that it might not is that we do not attempt to prevent it from doing so." You see, many of the troubles going on in the world right now are being supervised by people with very good intentions whose attempts are to keep things in order, to clean things up, to forbid this, and to prevent that. The more we try to put everything to rights, the more we make fantastic messes. Maybe that is the way it has got to be. Maybe I should not say anything at all about the folly of trying to put things to right but simply, on the principle of Blake, let the fool persist in his folly so that he will become wise.

He was trying to teach her something in that moment, something which is at the cornerstone of his teaching - acceptance and letting go - but she didn't get it.

I agree with Elros that worry has an element of control in it, and it is the opposite of letting go, of acceptance. The freedom lies in surrendering and letting go. Let the world be, let the evolution happen. The design is perfect. You were also once at a very primitive evolutionary level compared to where you are now, but you were allowed to evolve, allow them the same. Let each creator, each sub-logos, create to their heart's content, taste the fruit of their creations, and learn from it.

Ra: I am Ra. Your opinion is an eloquent one although somewhat confused in its connections between the freedom expressed by subjective knowing and the freedom expressed by subjective acceptance. There is a significant distinction between the two.

This is not a dimension of knowing, even subjectively, due to the lack of overview of cosmic and other inpourings which affect each and every situation which produces catalyst. The subjective acceptance of that which is at the moment and the finding of love within that moment is the greater freedom.

That known as the subjective knowing without proof is, in some degree, a poor friend for there will be anomalies no matter how much information is garnered due to the distortions which form third density.

[YinYang]

Alan Watts - Why You Shouldn't be Afraid at All

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

This is all oddly familiar yet new perspectives for me...  And while there are tidbits that make me disagree and other's that don't even seem human sounding to me, I'll take time to consider them before offering a full response.

Thank you so far, everyone~

[SkyGodWarrior]

lol I feel you Apotheosis on your last response haha. The responses kinda seem morbid but the intentions of hoping to serve are there.

I have come from a similar situation as you are stating so I can speak on behalf of experience in regards from what I gained from it all.

"Hi, I'm going to just sort of think out loud here as I'm tired a bit this is a result of a 'before bed contemplation'.
So in an effort to make sense of my anxiety I've been trying to map out emotionally what causes it."

I would like to first start off by commenting on this part. It is good that you went to sleep conscious of the emotions that you are feeling and started to ponder about it. Coming to a conclusion or not coming to a conclusion helps a great deal hence the importance of meditation. Id say that you are all ready on the right track to healing the situation as you are approaching it from a creators standpoint in not just allowing the emotions to overwhelm and take up residence within you. In the future as you become even better at handling or changing your emotional state to a vibration you want you will find tricks to aid that. But for now its good old fashion talking... Sometimes our mind is our worse enemy because it knows things others dont and it tends to pick and pull at the teeth of those "weaknesses"

To another effect it may not even be you who is the cause or source of this worrying. I have found after being able to astral project and from seeing and learning from others that there are plenty of beings who feed off the emotional energies of humans... simply because we dont have any defenses to repel them. They come and do what ever they want depending on the being and on the person who is of interest... but once you do start doing some of these defenses you will find out that your emotions and thoughts are a lot manageable... (I will say that some people have automatic defenses through expectations they have on the world or other things ...) Also sometimes when we are on this spiritual path things might creep from the out of nowhere to try to throw bananas in your way lol... so that you would slip and fall.. They know inevitably you will get up.. and continue walking but maybe if they have a lot of bananas would they be able to hinder your path for longer?! :x

Thats just the tip of the iceberg... we haven't even tried to mention all of the psychological and things put in our air, food, and water that are meant to hinder us.... #LotsToLearnJedi

but anyways lets go over some of your other statements...

"I noted that the core causal emotions were two, technically more and less due to how emotions blend but the big two specifically were: Worry and Hope.
It made me realize that anxiety for me is derived from hoping too much and worrying too much. It actually makes me ponder if these are two sides of the same coin, and if that coin is called 'Concern'."

Now you know the limitations of speech as it is hard to contemplate the exactness of an expression... as in this example 2 words became 1 word which is completely different.... As for Worry and hope id say they are one in the same... as they can stem from the same seed "idea, or thing that your originally hoping/worrying about" Id compare hope/worry to ying/yang... or love/fear as they are opposites. Depending on how your emotional energy is tied up in this matter is what would define if your actually really hoping or worrying. Id like to say that hope is something positive that implores the being(s) doing the hoping to understand that they know that they do not have control over the situation or any situation in effect "surrendering" this matter to the infinite energy or intelligent infinity to make this matter happen in the consciously desired generality or way... (I dont say that the things happen specific to what you imagined because the thing your hoping for could be changed to better accommodate your actual talents or lack of wisdom... ask me if you need a example of what this means. I think at the root of this is a very great meaning that is hard to understand in the first place becase of the nature of it. I think that when you master this you will be able to create the things you really or actually want.

When it comes to worrying you are in its effect telling the universe that you are affraid of loosing the thing your hoping for, therefore confusing the universe which may yield what you actually want or didnt want to happen. At its root worrying basically means "lack" or the opposite of abundance.

I have actually been contemplating this as I have been juggling with it for 7 or so years but I knew only a general concept of it becase of my assumed wisdom from other lives. Only now as I have progressed spiritually and have started reading the Law of One does the things I was stumbling on before start to make perfect sense.... today before I got home.... I finally realized that I now know how to create anything I want and I am anxious to get started on that path...

"If I concern myself with something, does this result in anxiety? It actually does for me anyway. An inordinate amount of anxiety.
Maybe I'm wrong and concern is just a first incorrect guess..."

Hahah... loook.... God loves you, the universe loves you, earth loves you.... now you know the secret....so never be harsh on yourself as no one else is technically... as they are all one... all you... all God.... all want to see you do great and become one again. The limited consciousness being may be totally against you but in reality their higher self is rooting for you. Shoot their higher self may even have a talk with them if they are to rough.... but also look at it like this..... each obstacle or hurdle in your way makes you stronger and wiser and actually shapes you into a greater you..... it doesn't get any simpler than that but it may take time for you to realize it...

Also... I think like this....... if your going to be hard on yourself... you might as well cheer for yourself.... one actually helps you and the other hinders you... you get to pick which mindset you want to use.

Getting back into it though... when you worrying or hoping or thinking about something you are directing energy towards that desire or hope..... after a certain period after creation going back into that original thought and altering it kinda hinders the creation from manifesting. Surrendering becomes an asset in helping to manifest or not manifest things depending on what it is... for example... your hoping for that certain thing to happen and when you surrender it you allow it to come to reality... Surrendering basically means letting go of it.... not having an emotional attachment to it... for instance I could say lady bug... and you feel nothing... but as soon as I say donal trump haha or hilary clinton... this emotional flare happens... that is what you call energy... and your goal is to have the effect of not being emotionally tied or triggered by a certain thing. The same goes for things that you dont want to happen... for instance... you are worrying about that thing... since your sending that energy to the universe.. the universe will give it to you since it is receiving that vibration from you.... sometimes people resonate with the negative vs the positive just because of the environment we come from. Try it out... how do you feel.. when you visualize a happy moment vs a moment that made you so angry, sad, or afraid?

"Ah... I don't know, I was trying to figure out the nature of the emotion Worrying, as I do so a great deal. It also lead to me realizing how Hope makes me anxious, as if to hope for something implies there's also something to worry about hence why we would hope in the first place.
Does that mean Hope and Worry are the results of Anxiety? Of Fear?"

From my experience depending on your environment and family, friends and etc the things that you grow up with and etc create these mindsets.... it is something to be "transmuted" into something beneficial.... It is a lot of work to replace the mindsets of lack of abundance in replacing it with abundance. There are a lot of self help books that go into these mindsets and how to develop a wining mindset. For example..... the clock wakes you up in the morning... its called a "alarm" clock... what do we do and how do we react when we are alarmed? I heard zig ziglar term this tool as an "opportunity" clock... totally different meaning and feeling vs the previous.... Another one.... your at a restaurant... you just finished your meal and you ask the server for your...... "bill" when you find that other people with a lessor developed or lack or physiological barrier call it a "check" How does check and bill feel to you when you get them? One more.... your in the store and you see pants or shoes or something you like a lot... and you walk up to it and you see the price tag... its "too much" and or you "cant afford it" when you say or think these things... the universe is listening and when it heres words of lack like that... the magic stops there as you have just declined the invitational to receive it....Others might say.... " How can I afford this?... Now its something your brain and your being wants to solve in order to get this thing or item or goal.... One must become worthy of something by merely believing and saying they are worthy of it.....(Check out Rich Dad Poor Dad the book)

Start to listen to your thoughts and understand the things that your are thinking/saying and change and transmute these meanings...

Words are like magical creatures when they are said and let into the world striving to live and be one with source.

"So then is fear the major catalyst to worrying? Does anxiety stack, and grow worse if not dealt with??"

If you imagine the image of a temperature gauge and how it is number 100- 0 or whatever they say lol.... imagine these numbers as vibration... imagine love at the top of that instrument and fear at the very bottom. These can be measured in our brain waves... and depending on our vibration we will resonate with one of the categories..... I think anger is in the middle of the scale as it can either encourage you to do negative things or positive things... with that energy.... I wouldn't say fear or these negative things "stack" but you could say that they "attract".... the vibrations your sending into the world through the law of free will (That you are wanting these expressions to happen because the universe is reading your polarity or vibration...) So this is another reason why when you find yourself in an unwanted vibration to be able to understand the root/cause of it and transmute it into a vibration that is your equilibrium or goal or desired frequency or vibration. Doing this will allow for you to go back to attracting the vibrations that match your vibration. (Check out the book Frequency)

The stresses of these lower vibration start to weaken your vitality... you start to age faster if unchecked... hair loss.... more frequent anxiety..... possibly gaining an addiction... then your body may start to break down.... aches and pains and other odd side affects...

Also there is an opportunity in these lower vibrations of worry, fear and etc... as it allows for you to demonstrate your understanding in real time by transmuting this vibration to a desired vibration.

Well hope this all helps... and I wish you good luck! I love you and I know that you are capable of achieving your goals! Chin up! If it starts to droop.... chin up again....

at the end of the day.... you are the one in control of your emotions and the way you think.... you decided what and how you feel... it maybe difficult at first but make it happen! you will feel it and the universe will reward you.

[SkyGodWarrior]

sORRY accidentally posted twice! tsk tsk

[loostudent]

Why do I worry? Let's follow this movement. I worry because I fear I can loose something:
control,
certainty/security,
other's affection,
public image/status,
health,
power,
comfort,
freedom,
individuality,
purpose,
life
etc.

Yes, I am aware of insecurity, cruelty, danger of this place and fragility of life. I have to be careful where I step. We have this survival instict and reason (memorizing experience, calculating moves). Prudence, watchfulness, carefulness ... I think we need this but it also has its limits - good measure. There is a limit where care and security starts to paralyze you. If I rely only on attentiveness and only on my plans I'm on my way being a controlfreak. Carelessness is just the other extreme/blockage.

Prudence needs to be balanced with courage. I believe for this you have to have faith, hope and love.

• Faith is trusting in God and his providence. It helps you to release reliance on your control, your plans and accept whatever comes your way, put some efforts in God's hands, take some risks. I can believe in me because I believe in God.
  
• Hope is seeing something good and worth that is beyond appearance/apparent - cares become lighter, life becomes brighter than it appears.
  
• Love is releasing you from selfishness/separation/comfort zone and enables you to accept, forgive, sacrify, serve and be part of bigger plans.
  

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Okay, I've taken a good amount of time.  I've been rolling the ideas around herein, and I find that I must find my own way.  Still, that way may be paved by the helpful tips and hints given as the gems of helpful knowledge others provide.

I am not certain I can help with anything, but I would like to share my coping method with anxiety.

My coping method is to accept the worst possibility, this being what I worry about.
Then I hope for the best possibility, that way I can still be surprised.

Determining which happens, I try to let go of. Now I do not mind the worst possibility and can only be pleasantly surprised.

Your coping method is MUCH better than mine.  When i'm in a panic attack I'll pretend my fingertip is a candle and I need to blow out the flame, the forceful exhalation to blow creates an instinctive need to take a deep breath, and this helps me breath.
However, I wonder if we utilize the aspect of Hope differently in unique ways?

I have noted that when people hope for something it gives them a sense of relief, that they have assigned an intent to something they desire.  This implies an attachment, a want to control the outcome some have said, but to me I see it as a simple human ego motion, the ego is the Humanity, and I have taken to listening to mine. Perhaps this is wrong, I cannot say there is a proper judgment to be had.

I find that hope is in it's means of providing relief to others through their own quiet attempt to move into a desired outcome, not something to be called attachment, or controlling.  Rather, I see it as a means to point the needle of our consciousness as it moves through the oceans of realities available for it to experience, towards a direction one might wish to sail towards on those oceans.  In this case, towards the light shining over the horizon in the distance, in hopes it's sunlight, and not fire.

For me, I find that hope incites anxiety, because for me it isn't about aiming myself towards a better outcome, but it seems linked with the fear of such not occurring.  A rather intensive...Distortion of experiencing if I do say so myself.  when I hope, for say, my mother to be in a good mode when she comes home, the anxiety stems from the fear that the opposite will happen.  I don't feel the means to control the situation in regards to my 'hopes', my hopes are not able to create control over something, and it is actually that which seems to create the fear in myself.  I don't want the control, I just want to know I'm not moving myself into a painful experience by not doing something.

It's simple. Expectations. To love unconditionally is to love without expectation.

Think about how you could feel if you felt for humanity as if it was a single being. All the people reflect all the colors of that being in what it can feel. Worry and hope are emotions tainted by control, they are not unconditional.

I agree with your first line of reasoning, but disagree with the idea that hope and worry are linked to a need to control.  Can one worry about the life of their child without being controlling of the child?

Huh.  Actually perhaps you are right in some ways, but I feel not ALWAYS does worry and hope coincide with a lack of control over a situation.

As for expectations, that makes much more sense to me, in the instance of trying to make sense of hope, I've found that it is a major measurement of expecting something, or at least expecting it in potential, for me it comes as...How do I explain this...

I find that hope leads me to desire for something expected to happen, but the anxiety caused by it comes from that expectation possibly not being able to occur.  I don't respond with trying to change the outcome to what I expect, but rather I respond by moving away from the situation, because I don't want to deal with the pain it might inflict back.

This is the problem, hypothetical's for me seem to affect me as if they were legitimate.  I am just as scared at the idea of being robbed as I have felt when actually being robbed.

I don't know if that makes me super sensitive or in denial of the extremeness of my desire to not be out of control, but I have come to find that this is an extremely complicated string of knots.

I see that no matter what happens, things will be okay somehow someway, but this very human part of me says 'even so.'  Even so, it would not be okay with me, I would be so greatly distraught at such a situation going horribly awry, perhaps I am sensitive and easily breakable, but to think of traumatic things is enough to be traumatizing to me, so when I have such an over thoughtful mind as one that seeks out even the things going bump in the darkness under the bed, things like worry and hope just seem to be very powerful tools of avoidance of pain.

Yet, in that avoidance of pain, I still find pain of a different kind.

I wonder if...Fear...Is of itself a painful emotion.

And while it sounds hypocritical to not claim a desire to control the outcome then belay a fear of pain resulting in me responding a specific way to a situation, I truly do not intend to control the situation, as much as control myself to avoid such situations despite walking consensually right into them...  It is...Another irony of my personality.

There's a very simple solution to this all, and it eludes me.

There's a part of the Chödrön book I keep talking about that discusses this directly.  She says hope and fear (worry is a kind of fear) are two sides of the same coin:

The word in Tibetan for hope is rewa; the word for fear is dokpa. More commonly, the word re-dok is used, which combines the two. Hope and fear is a feeling with two sides. As long as there is one, there is always the other. This re-dok is the root of our pain. In the world of hope and fear, we always have to change the channel, change the temperature, change the music, because something is getting uneasy, something is getting restless, something is beginning to hurt, and we keep looking for alternatives.

This ties directly in with the points about expectations and acceptance, as ably pointed out by the previous two otherselves.  But I think you'd have your interest piqued by the whole book, which you can find online here.

Thank you for the links.

I...Find it hard to come to terms with the idea that one needs to come to acceptance with things like, child sex trafficking, or...  Mass animal genocide.  Yet the idea here is that to avoid the pain that comes from witnessing such situations, I need to accept that situation.

I am greatly trained in this concept, it is called becoming Jaded.  Hardened.  One accepts the reality that they live in a f***** up reality.

If that is the answer, I find it to be an error of logic.  I cannot bring myself to just accept that things are these ways, and that's that, that the world is unfair and cruel and unusual.

I reject that, because it simply is not true to me.  I see creation...I see Earth...As many things, but above all, it is Humanity that is the fire, and Earth, the home that shelters it while being burned down at the same time.

I see that humanity is more good than bad, and not as evil as it is benevolent.  We have not blown ourselves completely up, we struggle in parts to slow the disasters we inflict upon our own home and selves.  We poison ourselves to heal ourselves.  We are not supposed to just accept the madness, we are here intended to fight it, whether it be with passive resistance or active resistance, we are here feeling these feelings of things being wrong en large, so that we will act on those feelings, make motions to a better tomorrow, and give our children a damn reason to not just give up on the darkness and accept it's presence.

One day, there won't be a child being raped, and one day, there won't be animals being slaughtered for their byproducts.

Acceptance as such in that mentality, to plainly accept without objection or rejection, is akin to 'following orders' as you shoot innocent people.  You have accepted that reality and are happy suddenly to be within it.

I am not happy within such a reality, and further I am not so...Empty inside, that I am fine when others are suffering.  The person need not be my friend, my family, someone close to me, or even someone I know.  They are me.  I do not want to be raped.  I do not want to be slaughtered.  The worries of these things happening plague me because I know they happen to others all the time.  The hopes that they won't occur to me are painful in that they are still happening to others.

It's not good enough for me, to just be safe and sound, I am hurt by other's pain.  I am anxious of my neighbors being harmed.  I am anxious of their children being taken.  I am anxious of anyone and everyone being hurt.

Because to me, there is already enough hurt out there, and it drives me up a wall, down a hole, to insanity and beyond then back again.  I want to go out there and vigilante, I want to be a healer to those hurt, I want to be a soldier and forcefully stop the suffering.

Sometimes, I even want to be the monster and kill the other monsters, because in a lot of ways I am so greatly distressed by the idea that right now, in this moment, there is suffering, enough to knock a person out of consciousness, and that pisses me off.  Brings me to tears.  Makes me scared.

Hope and Worry, or plainly just Fear, have...Such a focusing ability about them.  To worry about my son being taken, to hope that he is happy instead, all focused by the fear that comes at the idea, the mere idea, that such things can happen to him.  I don't want him, or anyone else to suffer.  Even the bad people can be rehabilitated, and at the least watched over by those willing to come to such a calling.

I don't feel that my fear is isolated, and I honestly often feel that my emotional responses are atypical, unusual, because where someone cares about leaving a classroom on time, I cared about cleaning it up on time for the next group of students coming in.  And where one looked away at terror, of videos of buildings falling and people dying, I stared on almost numb to the reality unfolding before me because a part of me can't register it.

I remember, on 9/11, the first thing I said when the first tower fell was 'I guess now there's only one.', then the other fell.  It took me ten years before the depth of the suffering from that event became fully deeply ingrained inside of me, and it came from watching a video of one guy trying to climb his way out of the top of that building, only to slip, slide, and plummet to his death.

I, in that moment, recall internalizing that.  The shadow of an idea of the fear that person was experiencing, the numbness they were going through trying to just 'get through it'.  There's fire everywhere, no exist is available except a window so high up people look like ants.  There's no question, the anxiety comes with the entire scenario.  Grasping desperately with shaking hands, your face is blank with utmost concentration, even fear isn't coming through.  Slipping out to open air, you don't even know what you'll do next, and it doesn't matter because your grip slips, there's nothing to grab on to, you slide off the only solid thing you had available, and that's it, you already know it's it, but that's not it, the experience isn't over there and then just yet, reality continues.  You listen to the sound of wind flying by, and the tension of clenching every muscle from total terror, then whether or not you're alive long enough to feel the impact is another thing.

These kinds of things, very vividly replay in my mind again and again because it wants to dissect the reality and nature behind those situations.  The raping of children, the slaughtering of animals, you could play a heavy metal soundtrack to the carnage and chaos I have chosen not to suppress in my mind in an attempt to find the reason and meaning behind it.

That leads me to a lot of anxiety, and I often hope 'everyone will be okay', even as I just thought 'I want to kill everyone'.

It's a very confusing life I've chosen to uptake, and the anxiety that comes with it seems to have something to say.  A reason for being with me.

Is it that I should be less thoughtful of such horror?  That I shouldn't try to find a way to ease the suffering of that soul?  The suffering of that situation?  Is it that I have this anxiety to keep myself safe?  Is it that I feel these things to spur me towards movement and action?

Do I take up martial arts and join the police?
Do I take up meditation and join the peace?

Is there anything I can even do but sit here in worry that we're all going to fall victim to poor government, poor leadership, and greedy zealous economic changes at the large and at the small the violence of everyday unhappy people?

Do I just accept that everything happening will happen, is supposed to happen, and has already happened?  That it's all okay because in the end it's all a dream of a game in an illusion to better learn how to do something?

What's...  There to do about anything when you are told by those whom are clearly good that the best thing to do is forget about the very real stuff that pains you?  It doesn't add up to me, the equation is incomplete, incorrect.  It boggles my mind, the mathematics of ethics...

I think worry implies a lack of trust, and also a lack of acceptance. We were actually chatting about this yesterday afternoon. If we go from the supposition that you are a wanderer who came here, then you knew exactly what kind of a situation you were coming into, and you knew exactly what the evolutionary level of earthlings are. The biggest disservice you can do this place, is constantly thinking and commenting on what is wrong with it, thereby rejecting it. It's not trusting the evolutionary mechanisms that were put in place, and the game playing itself out. It's not understanding creation and destruction, while knowing that there is no loss.

Ra: It is to be kept in the forefront of the faculties of intelligence that there is one creation in which there is no loss.

Ra: This is why we iterate quite often, when asked for specific information, that it pales to insignificance, just as the grass withers and dies while the love and the light of the One Infinite Creator redounds to the very infinite realms of creation forever and ever, creating and creating itself in perpetuity.

Why then be concerned with the grass that blooms, withers and dies in its season only to grow once again due to the infinite love and light of the One Creator? This is the message we bring. Each entity is only superficially that which blooms and dies. In the deeper sense there is no end to beingness.

I am reminded of an argument between Alan Watts and Margaret Mead.

I once had a terrible argument with Margaret Mead. She was holding forth one evening on the absolute horror of the atomic bomb, and how everybody should spring into action and abolish it, but she was getting so furious about it that I said to her: "You scare me because I think you are the kind of person who will push the button in order to get rid of the other people who were going to push it first."

So she told me that I had no love for my future generations, that I had no responsibility for my children, and that I was a phony swami who believed in retreating from facts. But I maintained my position. As Robert Oppenheimer said a short while before he died, "It is perfectly obvious that the whole world is going to hell. The only possible chance that it might not is that we do not attempt to prevent it from doing so." You see, many of the troubles going on in the world right now are being supervised by people with very good intentions whose attempts are to keep things in order, to clean things up, to forbid this, and to prevent that. The more we try to put everything to rights, the more we make fantastic messes. Maybe that is the way it has got to be. Maybe I should not say anything at all about the folly of trying to put things to right but simply, on the principle of Blake, let the fool persist in his folly so that he will become wise.

He was trying to teach her something in that moment, something which is at the cornerstone of his teaching - acceptance and letting go - but she didn't get it.

I agree with Elros that worry has an element of control in it, and it is the opposite of letting go, of acceptance. The freedom lies in surrendering and letting go. Let the world be, let the evolution happen. The design is perfect. You were also once at a very primitive evolutionary level compared to where you are now, but you were allowed to evolve, allow them the same. Let each creator, each sub-logos, create to their heart's content, taste the fruit of their creations, and learn from it.

Ra: I am Ra. Your opinion is an eloquent one although somewhat confused in its connections between the freedom expressed by subjective knowing and the freedom expressed by subjective acceptance. There is a significant distinction between the two.

This is not a dimension of knowing, even subjectively, due to the lack of overview of cosmic and other inpourings which affect each and every situation which produces catalyst. The subjective acceptance of that which is at the moment and the finding of love within that moment is the greater freedom.

That known as the subjective knowing without proof is, in some degree, a poor friend for there will be anomalies no matter how much information is garnered due to the distortions which form third density.

This is a very helpful line of reasoning, anxiety implies a lack of trust.  This sounds true, a lack of trust in the greater plan of God so to speak?

I have thought of this a lot.  Trust.

Fear/Hope can be implied to mean one lacks trust of the goodness in the outcome regardless of what the outcome is.  The death of many leads to more lives saved in the long run, the illness of some leads to a cure for all.  The means justify the ends.

It is interesting, how there is a distinct lacking overlap of ethics in metaphysical created constructs and physical reality.  How easy it is to handle loss and death.  One death is a tragedy, A Thousands deaths is a statistic.

We lack the depth of emotional being to handle the full total reality.  For some, trust in god is manipulated, and has long ago been discarded in lieu of one's own gut feelings.  It is not okay, even from a spiritual point of view, to deny the reality that death and suffering are not necessary to retrieve the same results, and that in denying that, such becomes so much easier to be used to manipulate us.  We don't need a bunch of people shot to acquire gun control laws, we may not even need such laws if everyone had and knew about guns, and the crimes associated with guns may even change without violence or laws by and for guns being needed as an attitude towards them changed.

In that same sense, I look at the world at large, I see a small percentage of the darkness on it, and that alone is enough to be allocated as needing to be healed.  Planetary collective healing...  What did Quo say about this process?  To perform the Ra teaching of taking one's emotions to a thesis then anti-thesis of an associated situation, only instead of a personal memory, of a planetary memory?

Does a group of people meditating with such in mind be all that is required to end the suffering then?  Can we heal the pain inside of each of us by ourselves?

If it's that simple, that we all sit down in consideration and contemplation and meditation towards discovering a solution and push for it, that it brings an end to a majority of the suffering?  That it awakens those touched by the distant efforts of others to become more kind and thoughtful...  Then why, is it wrong to struggle against those which incite people to such actions?

Is struggle wrong?  Is it wrong to fear something?  Is it wrong not to trust the creator?  Perhaps the creator's plan is unnecessarily violent or painful in the present moment than when it was conceived.  If we can change reality, then is it impudent to accept the present reality?  Or wrong to not accept it?

Loss.  It's interesting how Ra speaks, but it seems that their information is based on their viewpoint.  If Ra were to walk as one of us, do you think they'd agree that there is no loss?  From our viewpoint this is not true, from theirs it is.

When illusion is the only reality you have, it becomes your reality, it becomes real, this 'illusion' we live in, where loss occurs to us, it is real enough to in this moment be worthy of affecting us.

I could even point out the various quotes where Ra refers to our experiences as being yellow ray oriented with a yellow ray body, and that this identity is an activated 'personality shell' of the yellow ray, and in death this personality shell deactivates.  Who we are now, will be lost.  Lost to the memories of eternity.

Loss is real, whether or not Ra see's this in their reality, well their reality is far different from ours in our various perspectives, they see grass that withers, dies, then is reborn.  I see animals who wither, die, and are gone.  Their soul is reborn, their personality shell, it is gone.

The tree's are not all uniform, the grass not all similar, and in the same way so are human beings and animals, yet when one withers and dies, the tree's can come back, the grass can regrow, animals cannot do this.  The 3D energies of self awareness present in 2D and 3D seem to provide a means of a sense of 'loss'.  Death is not rebirth, it is loss.  Death is transformation, and when one changes, they lose what they used to be, they do, you may still have the memories and experiences, but the being of those things isn't alive.  The soul is not the human ego, the ego is a clear construct, and it is who we are, and in it's loss there is clarity, but in it's death, there is something more than just clarity.

As someone who's gone through an ego death, I find it is sad, and still something worth mourning for.  For who we are is temporary, and we will one day die and fade away into nothing more than a memory of an eternal being, and all of our sufferings and pleasures will be for that being.  We are puppets and cannon fodder as much as we are worthy divine beings.  We are all one.

The sorrow that comes with that realization is somewhat dizzying.  Loss is a very real existential state of being.

Essentially what Ra is asking of me in those quotes, is to find peace and acceptance in the realization of death and destruction.  To view loss as an illusion, when it may not actually be so.

Ra also asks us to disregard any of their words that we do not agree with, in that light it's worth noting that many of Ra's words are Opinions, so arguably they may be right in some ways and wrong in others along the same subject matter.  When they speak of no loss, I understand and agree with it from a purely metaphysical point of view.  The personality shell, the yellow ray ego can be reconstructed, re-activated, it isn't permanently gone, but physically...  Here on Earth...  Loss, is very real to the denizens of this illusion.

If the point of this illusion is to better learn how to provide love, and what's more to learn wisdom and unity for those wanderers present, then how is it wrong to look at that illusion and attempt to push it into a direction where more people will be happy?  How is it right to just accept the suffering when one can move to ameliorate it at the desire of those wanting such suffering to end?

I find that overall I must find trust in my anxiety, rather than suppress it or rationalize it with objective or subjective associations.

I have found all of the advice given to be in my opinion, correct however.  That everyone has their unique individual ways of handling these experiences, and all of you sharing such as helped me greatly in coming to realize how...Asleep I have become.

I do not seek to control the life of others, I only wish to provide relief and comfort to those lives.  My fear of other's suffering does not seem to me to feel...Incorrect or wrong.  My fear of other's loss does not feel incorrect or wrong.  I have known of God's presence in my life for a long time, it is unmistakable, and so my trust in that God is for the most part, stable and resolute, I however am tasked with an incarnation of judgments it'd seem, of perceptions of vivid monsters and gods, of demons and angels, of goblins and fairies, of seeing in the One Infinite Loving Creator monstrosity, to see in the Great Monstrous Beast, the Infinite Love.  Yet I see the inflicting of pain and I stumble in that faith, I see the darkness in the light and I stumble.

I do not deny the existence of God, or believe God to be inherently evil, and in many ways there's more evidence pointing to a benevolent unified creation than a chaotic desolate one, yet I fear that creator, and fear its plan, and fear its being, because I am aware now that The Beast and The Creator are one in the same, and that for all the love that is manifest, there is in potential equal amounts of darkness.

I do not know these things but feel them as I experience reality, I can't prove it, I can't say there is anything to prove or disprove in this matter, but I can say I have come to find in my experience in my life, my rather short 25 years of life, that God is not Lover or Monster, but everything, and anything.

I fear this in that my darkness is it's darkness, my destructive potential is it's own.  My shadow and darkness are not my own but God's, and all of my Love and experiences are not my own but God's, and it is somewhat crippling, when I am shrouded in a thick flurry of anxiety and fear at these realizations.

It's not so hard to realize that the reason the grass withers and dies is because it isn't cared for.  That it is reborn to have another chance, perhaps an infinite array of them, to experience.

Is the higher self so innocent?  Is the creator so innocent?  Are we so innocent?

Fearing that which is, I do so not out of a lack of control, but out of something more perhaps.  I do trust the Creator in that it doesn't put itself up against something vastly beyond it's ability to handle, or as Ra says no one is given more than they can handle, even if that does not seem so, perhaps it is simply that exceptions exist, and they are forgiven.

Still, I am here, I know I am safe and sound, I know through the pain and suffering I will end up safe and sound, I know that all will be okay in the long run in the end, even if none of it matters or all of it does, and I know life is not as bad as it could be, that we're in the most peaceful times of our recorded history supposedly, and that the road forward besides a few warnings of another World War or Economic Collapse is mostly one leading to peace.

Yet, I am distraught with the Moment in the now at the small amounts of darkness contrasting the vast amounts of light.  At the few million being harmed before the billions who are well.

Perhaps that is one of my flaws, my great problem I'm here to balance.  To find the serenity and serendipity in those millions being harmed and to find forgiveness to the harmers, and to find love and peace and healing for them.

I...  I think my anxiety is a compass.  Leading me to focus on those things that...  I feel a desire to help.

Speak of control and lacking trust, these are all valid conditions and symptoms, yet I feel unique or strangely different, like for me it's not about control and trust, but...  Wanting to do the right thing, the thing I'd want done for me.  For someone to stop someone raping me, for someone to save me from a killer, and for someone to rescue me from another hurting me.  For someone to politely point me in the right direction in a grocery store.  For someone to apologize to me for something dumb like walking in front of me.  For someone to find peace and pleasure in seeing another treat them the way they'd want to be treated.

I am encumbered by the fear and 'care' I have for others I suppose.

Perhaps those who love the most, are also those who hurt the most.  Perhaps pain is inescapable in this reality.

And perhaps, the only thing I seek to control is how much pain I experience.

I think I'll keep it that way, since I seem to have a personality that demands such for my own safety.

I think it goes to say, if balance is key, then total acceptance is an imbalance, and a necessary mixture of perhaps things like self control and acceptance of situations is needed to find an appropriate balance of behavioral responded to experiences.  Such as a want to control a situation to a good outcome with a mixture of accepting that the good outcome may not be the outcome, so one may push for a circumstance without being called 'controlling' when they make no further motions beyond a point to create a specific outcome.

I'm sorry everyone if I basically just blew off all of your opinions for my own.  I just don't feel like these emotions are linked to things like being controlling or trusting or anything like that.  Rather I find some emotions to be rather innocent, with fear being one of those.

It's hard to imagine for one who is immortal, but pain and death is a massive consideration towards survival and comfort in 3D life of mortals.  If you as a 3D being believe yourself to be wholly immortal, please realize your life was not programmed with that consideration in mind in regards to physical, mental, and emotional catalyst.

There will be experiences that stick with us to the day we die, and others we forget the next day.  Fear does not imply control or lack of trust, but self awareness of one's vulnerability.  Worry doesn't imply the same to me, and neither does hope.  Overall I would say that the emotions Fear and Hope are tied to one's own feelings of vulnerability as well as others.  Fear may mean we Love someone, and Hope may mean we're hoping for a bad outcome.

Animals in fear are not controlling anything more than their own prolongation of life.
Humans being animals, in fear are not controlling unless they intend to be, but by itself, Fear is a simple cog in the gearwork of emotional being to help the overall incarnated being most properly work within their reality.

One feels fear at a dangerous sight, that does not mean one wishes to control the danger.

I like how you all perceived these emotions, I had NO IDEA I saw things so differently from everyone else.  This has actually really helped me make sense of things in my mind...

Even if...I still can't convey them in an accurate organized manner...

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Ugh, I was wrong, I still have much to consider and make sense of.

Sorry if this felt like a waste of time for anyone.

[Aion]

Y'know when I'm feeling overwhelmed by things I try to shrink my worldview a bit. I try to just come back to the moment, to my body and ask myself, 'What can I do right now?'

There is a notion of self-importance whereby one wishes to see the world 'saved', but I don't think we always separate this notion from our own actions.

[AnthroHeart]

In a course I'm taking, when you get overwhelmed, they suggest taking an Observer stance, or what they call the 'Witness', where you just observe what is going on without being involved in it. Sort of separate yourself from what's going on. Usually that's when you're reflecting on what is going on, not in the heat of the moment.

[YinYang]

Coordinate_Apotheosis, do you think there may be a possibility that you're experiencing some compassion fatigue?

Compassion fatigue, also known as secondary traumatic stress (STS), is a condition characterized by a gradual lessening of compassion over time. It is common among individuals that work directly with trauma victims such as, therapists (paid and unpaid), nurses, teachers, psychologists, police officers, paramedics, animal welfare workers, health unit coordinators and anyone who helps out others, especially family members, relatives, and other informal caregivers of patients suffering from a chronic illness. It was first diagnosed in nurses in the 1950s.

Sufferers can exhibit several symptoms including hopelessness, a decrease in experiences of pleasure, constant stress and anxiety, sleeplessness or nightmares, and a pervasive negative attitude. This can have detrimental effects on individuals, both professionally and personally, including a decrease in productivity, the inability to focus, and the development of new feelings of incompetency and self-doubt.

Journalism analysts argue that the media has caused widespread compassion fatigue in society by saturating newspapers and news shows with often decontextualized images and stories of tragedy and suffering. This has caused the public to become cynical, or become resistant to helping people who are suffering.

I have mentioned it before here, a heavy "news media diet" is very detrimental to well being. There was a time when I was a news junky, and I could just feel the hopelessness creep in, by the sheer magnitude of it all. Everywhere you look is chaos, or rather they make it look that way, but it isn't so. Wanderers are very compassionate, and more affected by others' suffering, so you gotta shield yourself a little. Pick up an inspirational book, or do something you love like spending time with good friends or something, and try and avoid the news media for a while, and you will see how the healing happens.

What you expose yourself to, has a very real effect on your well-being.

Ra: You are dancing thoughts.

The news media sells fear, it's predominantly an STS apparatus.

This is from Thoughts are Things:

Let us endeavour, then, with the help of the Supreme Power, to get into the thought current of things that are healthy, natural, strong and beautiful. Let us try to avoid thoughts of disease, of suffering, of deformity, of faultiness. A field of waving grain or the rolling surf is better to contemplate than to pore over the horrors of a railway accident. We do not realize how much we are depressed physically and mentally by the incessant feast of horrors prepared for us by the daily press. We invoke in their perusal a thought current, filled with things and images of horror and suffering. We bring ourselves in this way in connection and one-ness with all other morbid and diseased mind, which lives and revels in this current. It leads not to life, but to disease and death. Neither others nor yourself are one particle aided by your knowing of every fire, explosion, murder, theft or crime which the newspapers chronicle every twenty-fours hours.

Written in 1889... and nothing has changed, except for an apparent contest to see who can publish the most gruesome, shocking and goriest content... the news media motto is afterall "if it bleeds, it leads"...

Here's something that'll make you smile! Very rarely something funny and lighthearted makes the news, like this recent clip of an ostrich chasing a cyclist here in Cape Town.

Along with Prentice Mulford, who wrote Thoughts are Things, you can also check out all the other New Thought writers, some real inspirational gems in there.

Change your thought, change your life!

[YinYang]

Perhaps those who love the most, are also those who hurt the most.  Perhaps pain is inescapable in this reality.

To touch on this quickly, if we just look at the Ra material, and exclude all other mystical literature which says the same, then the experience of the positive adept or the mystic is one of joy.

The heart of white magic is the experience of the joy of union with the Creator. This joy will of necessity radiate throughout the life experience of the positive adept.

The experience of each entity is unique in perception of intelligent infinity. Perceptions range from a limitless joy to a strong dedication to service to others while in the incarnated state. The entity which reaches intelligent infinity most often will perceive this experience as one of unspeakable profundity.

Very often the catalyst for emotional pain, whether it be the death of the physical complex of one other-self which is loved or some other seeming loss, will simply result in the opposite, in a bitterness, an impatience, a souring. This is catalyst which has gone awry. In these cases, then, there will be additional catalyst provided to offer the unmanifested self further opportunities for discovering the self as all-sufficient Creator containing all that there is and full of joy.

Firstly, in the green-ray activated being there is the potential for a direct and simple analog of what you may call joy, the spiritual or metaphysical nature which exists in intelligent energy.

This is just from a very quick search, but this message interpenetrates throughout the material.

[YinYang]

I'm busy reading Cosmic Consciousness by Maurice Bucke, you can read it here for free. He had this brief experience in his 30s where he experienced what he calls "cosmic consciousness", and he explains it as inexplicable joy:

It was in the early spring, at the beginning of his thirty-sixth year. He and two friends had spent the evening reading Wordsworth, Shelley, Keats, Browning, and especially Whitman. They parted at midnight, and he had a long drive in a hansom (it was in an English city). His mind, deeply under the influence of the ideas, images and emotions called up by the reading and talk of the evening, was calm and peaceful. He was in a state of quiet, almost passive enjoyment. All at once, without warning of any kind, he found himself wrapped around as it were by a flame-colored cloud. For an instant he thought of fire, some sudden conflagration in the great city; the next, he knew that the light was within himself. Directly afterwards came upon him a sense of exultation, of immense joyousness accompanied or immediately followed by an intellectual illumination quite impossible to describe.

Into his brain streamed one momentary lightning-flash of the Brahmic Splendor which has ever since lightened his life; upon his heart fell one drop of Brahmic Bliss, leaving thenceforward for always an aftertaste of heaven. Among other things he did not come to believe, he saw and knew that the Cosmos is not dead matter but a living Presence, that the soul of man is immortal, that the universe is so built and ordered that without any peradventure all things work together for the good of each and all, that the foundation principle of the world is what we call love and that the happiness of every one is in the long run absolutely certain. He claims that he learned more within the few seconds during which the illumination lasted than in previous months or even years of study, and that he learned much that no study could ever have taught.

So the book is his search for other mystics who experienced the same, and their descriptions of it. All of them speak if this profound joy.

[YinYang]

Ra: I am Ra. Be merry, my friends. All is well and your conscientiousness is to be recommended. We leave you in the love and the light of the One Infinite Creator. Rejoice, then, and go forth in the peace and in the glory of the One Infinite Creator. I am Ra. Adonai.

Go forth, then, merry and glad in His power and peace. Adonai.

Go forth, then, merry and glad and rejoicing in the power and the peace of the One Creator. Adonai.

Ra: Rest your cares and be merry.

We suggest the flowing of the natural intuitive senses and a minimum of the distortion towards concern.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Expectation, I should've considered this more.  It's a forgotten learned lesson for me clearly it requires relearning.

I am at a place of...  A dynamic tension between egoic ethics and morality, and spiritual acceptance and relinquishment.

On one had I expect people to awaken, on the other this is not true for everyone.

On one hand I expect a natural empathetic response, on the other I see mostly apathy.

All of my expectations are unfair towards others whom I know nothing more about than that I am similar to them in our uniqueness.

Commander Data from Star Trek TNG identified a trait of uniqueness.  It is isolating.  To be unique makes one all alone.

So ironic it is that we are all unique, we are all alone, we are all in the same boat, it's just a different looking boat we each see.

I find I am not actually expecting much of others, but that I have expected so much of myself.  To not be bothered by things meant to bother me. To not be aroused by things that arouse me.  To not be ways I feel I want to be.

It makes me think of...  Of the word "Nomad".

A nomad is a wanderer without home, making anyplace their home.  How could one live as such but by the means of which they are named; 'No-mad'.

I find that life desirable, I know I could probably never do it on my own and be comfortable, but to be removed from the confusing chaotic arrays of separation pushed in society, and to return to living with nature, are warm thoughts indeed.

Yet I find that in order to not be mad (about 90% of the time), one must release expectation of events and things and stuff, general considerations.  To not grow hot with anger at injury or irrational with frustration from things going awry.

To not be mad at the squirrel stealing your berries, or the bear that wrecked your tent.  Or the authorities that remove you from an area.

Expectation.

I don't understand why, but I find it is... A measure of ego, and I can't say how, but while it seems to be rooted towards 'control', I would name it an innocent control, a necessary control to survival.  Not to prosperity.

So then it is funny to me, that in the throes and woes of spiritual awakening, that the consciousness in response to ego would let it be, while the ego tries to curve the consciousnesses' for it's own survival.

Ego survival.  It's the job of the ego.  To snatch the fallen food of another, to drink from the water others do.  To fight against undesireable encroaches and actions.  To kill to live.

There is a reason for it all.  So then why must the ego die?

I struggle with death.  The idea of it.  The very human loss associated with it.

Because I expect it to be painful, of which that catalyst I try to avoid.  I expect death to also be disassociating, who we are now ceases more and more for who we really are.  In many ways I as the ego feel abused by spirit, feel like I was designed to be miserable until I'm conquered and slaughtered with love and wisdom.  Like my existence is to be consumed as the fruit of the tree and excreted in rebirth.

My ego says, 'Please, No.'

Yet my consciousness is different.  It sees it all differently, it views ego as beautiful and something to sit with and be one with.  We wouldn't be incarnate otherwise.  It expects nothing of the ego, not even that it should be as itself, it is detached.

My consciousness says nothing at all, it smiles.

So in the dynamic tensions of a smiling spirit sitting with a terrified ego, I am left as many things, but above all, I am confused.

I do not want to 'die' as my ego self or harm my ego self, yet enlightenment and spirituality almost demand I deposit my ego, relinquish it as my separate self not even myself, but something giving me a lens to experience lessons through, and to relinquish it to its falling away in depth of realizations of reality, yet the ego clenches for life as it falls.

It screams foul play, accuses of spirit of abuse, and desperately tries to cling to living.  It doesn't matter that it's death isn't the full ceasing of the incarnation, it cares that it must be ceased.  It likes life, loves living, why must it so soon into becoming, now be gone?

My ego fuels my search of 'The Truth', it is my ego that drives that passion and desire, no wonder then does it listen to the idea of peace and utopia and happiness, and find at it's experiences of a lack of such frustration.

The expectation was singlepointed and intense; Others should be nice to each other, care more than less than.

It's brought me some great distress and anxiety to see how cold things can be in an otherwise warm environment.

If only one could bring ego into consciousness instead of it falling away for consciousness.  If only we could meld them in a more harmonious way, those enlightened wouldn't be so far removed as to everyone else's reality, and they wouldn't be so content to sit in fire, rather than extinguish the force consuming them and others.

They'd see differently but with one eye in reality and the other in actuality, to move for the illusion but also the truth.  With one ear tuned to God and the other to Humans.  With one foot in paradise, but the other in hell.

I will try to lower my expectations, I worry however that a lack of it leads to choosing ignorance to reality, and I am wary of that as I seek above all else, infinity, creator, unconditional love, The Truth of the Nature of Reality and Actuality.

Perhaps I am selfish and lazy and taking the easy route of nonconformity towards my own crazy ideas of what is and should be.  The middle path of good, evil, and what actually is.

I don't know.  I'm selfless sometimes because I genuinely care about others, but I'm selfish too because I genuinely don't care about others sometimes, and I say it like that because I don't in all honesty care about myself very much.  I've got a lot of energetic blocks from childhood experiences telling me I'm not important but another is.

I did with that the best I could...  I did okay.  Those same blocks make my inner monologue say Okay isn't good enough, I expect better.

I ain't got nothing better to give, this is me as me can be, all my messes, all my pains, all my joys, it's all I got.

If it's not good enough, what's there left to do? My best isn't good enough, I may as well kill myself since I'm just a failure then by my own expectations, the mirror of which echoes as frustration outwardly, when it's mostly inwards.

Expectations.  Perhaps the paradox of the matter is the solution.  To expect is like inspecting externally something.  We cannot know it without becoming it, and so in our expectations we become that which we expect to be the outcome of an expected judgment.  You become the monster as you hunt the monster expecting monstrous things, taking those things inside and upon ourselves in expectation of y/ourself in another.

No wonder we're expected to relinquish them, so as to find y/ourself underneath the bog of judgment.

Thanks again for the responses everyone, I am...  A slow learner in some things...

Yin yang, I don't know if I feel comfortable with the title Adept.  I'm just a researcher, I intend no magic practice, I do not perform Work In Consciousness conscientiously anymore.

I an familiar with the experiences described, and in many ways I feel a sort of shame in describing again and again my experiences in 2014 of such joy and bliss, in contrast to my anxiety and fear of the present.

Believe me when I say I'd take it back, but I am sure I am not ready and must do the work that is necessary to regain that state of consciousness.

I'll always love, but a part of me is here to learn, not just to be joyous, when I'm ready, I think I will return to a joyousness like what I knew, that deep sincere sense of deep peace and serenity, where serendipity in synchronicity rekindled the source of wonder I feel at life daily again and again.

But right now, now that I know it's there, that I know I've got kundalini, power, ability, magic at my very being, I now experience to learn, but cautiously, knowing how detached the being conjuring those lessons can be.

Be merry, but don't dance into fire.  It's hard to smile when you're being burned alive, traumatized.

[AnthroHeart]

Hey CA,

The only two things I fear about death are that love will be so intense that I will suffocate on it and not be able to handle it.
And that I will be overrun by anthros and all my fantasies of them till it overwhelms me.

I think everything we desired we get, and more.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Hey CA,

The only two things I fear about death are that love will be so intense that I will suffocate on it and not be able to handle it.
And that I will be overrun by anthros and all my fantasies of them till it overwhelms me.

I think everything we desired we get, and more.

Personally I think you've such power to meet that overwhelming experience in such a way as to handle it well.  I wouldn't worry about love suffocating you, if anything that suffocation will be like getting hugged too hard to breath, the grasp will ease.

I hope you're right about us getting what we desire.

So long as it isn't every little desire had, as I've desired to kill but I leave that to video games, I don't want to really kill, I just want to create change in people who hurt others.

I've also desired to rape, but that was out of extreme sexual frustration towards people who tease me or were cruel to me in sexual ways.  I'd never rape someone even then, I wouldn't be able to keep an erection in that kind of messed up situation.

Overall most of my desires center around just experiencing new pleasant things like friendships, fun 'battles' or games of competition, or just experiencing a life with powers like Naruto or DBZ.

I'll avoid all of my dark desires, they're shallow and superficial and harmful to others, I'll stick to my positive desires of exploration and discovery and experience.

[AnthroHeart]

I wonder if after death we can still find challenge, like as an artist or something that draws or paints, or someone who creates plays or stories.

I think I've outgrown desires I've had, but desires I keep having, even as of yesterday have been pretty wack, so I have a thorn in my side. And I don't want to really experience that.

I think in life I don't try hard enough to get good at art, and I am not good with money either. I make big donations when I have money and buy expensive things.

In my life I keep seeing repeating themes around this thorn in my side. The same theme over and over again, repeating from different places. Almost every day.

And I don't want to take that with me, but I can't seem to give it up. It's more than an addiction, it's quite different.

[YinYang]

I had such a strange synchronicity happen to me this week. So a while back I was wandering at the Smuts House Museum in Pretoria, about a year ago. It was Jan Smuts' house which is a museum today, and then I saw this path leading into the woods, which was the path he walked every day with his dog.

Quite far into the woods, you come across this:



And on the wall are these plaques:





The place had this strange feeling of reverence to it, it was the place where he sat in silence every day.

On the floor is this marble stone:



The date underneath is my birthday, which I thought at the time was a strange coincidence.

Then this week we went to feed the squirrels in the Cape Town Gardens, and there was a statue of Jan Smuts:



So I thought of my walk at his house last year and the marble stone, and those words...

Then we came home and I was searching for something good to read. The book I mentioned above was an irritation to me, because the author was racist and misogynistic, so I stopped reading it.

So I went though this "contactee list" I discovered online once (Carla's also in there), and from the hundreds of titles in there, I just randomly chose this one, The Impersonal Life. It's also free online, here.

And on the second page, in bold, those same words - Be Still And Know I Am God. Wow...

This is an amazing read, and a short one. I speaks to many of the underlying themes in this thread, turning to the One after all other avenues have been exhausted.

I believe it was channeled, and he published the book anonymously while he was still alive, only after his death did they add his name to it. Interestingly, this little book was found with Elvis Presley when he died, and apparently he gave hundreds of copies of it it away.

Not sure if it helps, but I just felt like sharing.

Ra: These distortions remove the focus from the One Infinite Source of love and light of which we are all messengers, humble and knowing that we, of ourselves, are but the tiniest portion of the Creator, a small part of a magnificent entirety of infinite intelligence.

[AnthroHeart]

Yeah I know about synchronicities. I went into a store a month ago and there was a bottle of Coke inside a fridge that had my first name on it. Then later I saw another with my name on it.

They have 1,000 names that they use.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

It's so interesting what can be a synchronicity.

I just had a synchronicity of 9:44 on the clock the moment I sat down from finishing mopping the floors.

I find life for me is most likely (since I do not know for sure) one giant synchronicity.  There is no random that hasn't been planned for.  My entire existence as who I am now seems to be one giant plan.

My ego feels powerless to work with it, my spirit abounds with joy at the prospect of working with it.

I find my fear is being worked on currently.  My anxiety is the theme to heal currently.  I had this lesson once in 2013 and moved through it with relative ease thanks to cannabis exacerbating my anxiety so that my rational mind could see how irrational the fears were.

Now that I'm not smoking daily with all of my free time, my sober mind is more caught up with the emotion than my disassociated high mind would let me.  It was training wheels and now here's the real thing.

I'm so tired too, such low energy most likely from my hypothyroidism and intermittent depression seems to keep me put in place physically.  Though to be fair, the discomfort of all day grogginess is easier than the discomfort of moving around all day.

I can't say why but I have a feeling if I was physical more often a lot of things would heal for me including my anxiety...  Since a big part of it is fear of being attacked and being unable to defend myself.
Totally irrational considering my day to day surroundings.  Yet it is there.

A good point in realizing that all is well is that you need to deeply and profoundly come to experience that 'realization' (sort of like 'materialization') inside of yourself for it to begin appearing so externally.

I can't just chant it and find it true, you know? ...Or maybe some people can do that, but I can't lol.

I'm a contemplater more so than a meditater too, so for me the majority of my realization comes from deep thought.  However, I do believe it is meditation that puts those realizations into manifesting.

Yin yang, not gonna lie but you sound like a very fun person to just walk and talk with about everything from a positive perspective.

I...Don't know...Why I'm so fixated on exploring darkness.  I guess I don't see it the same way everyone else does.  I don't shy away from 666 synchronicities or find Satan 'evil' in the traditional sense or the Demiurge bad.  I do shy away from interacting with darkness, preferring to be an observer, but overall I find it...  Just so fascinating.
Like, Satan is a lesson from God, and in many ways Satan is the darkness of God, God created that darkness and so everyone being influenced by such is being played by God still.  The Singularity doesn't discriminate from dark or light, it's all the same in different forms of manifestation.

Or the Demiurge, it is not some prison key holder, it is our separation identity personified.  A snake with the head of a lion, that symbology of wisdom and power coming from a being that believes itself separate is more a tale of how inside of us all is this separation that when properly interacted with can bring great power and wisdom to the person, especially when imbued with love.

So, I do get bothered by such things but I feel underneath it all that darkness holds a key to my understanding the nature of reality.  It's as integral here as is the light.

You can't have one without the other.

It's because of that I see things like demons as not all evil.  As well as seeing angels as not all good.

It makes me wonder if I'm supposed to just be with the fear and find a way to incorporate it's presence positively rather than just be with it and let it be?

[AnthroHeart]

It makes me wonder if there's a point of infinite darkness that could destroy a spark of light such as a being of light.

But then I always think of dark things. I get that from other people in my life. Surrounded by a bunch of negativity and mental insanity.

I once thought about infinite separation or infinite paradox. And I got genuinely concerned that I could come up with those concepts.

But if I could imagine them, and still be here, that must mean something.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Well, energy can't be destroyed, only transformed so destruction of light by darkness would probably just turn the light to dark, which analogously is just changing their vibration.

I too am surrounded by cruelty, I just curse at it in my mind then go about my day.  Honestly though, I feel the need to stop doing that and try to find forgiveness and something positive in the moment.

I find it is essentially that I can look away, it's sad to look away, but if you need a break, don't be afraid to take a break and look away.  Darkness can sometimes be defeated by just ignoring it.

I think of Star Trek with Kirk.  The episode where they meet the God Apollo.  They essentially moved him to defeat by beginning to ignore him, and specifically his power.

Aww, Gemini it's okay, you sound like me lol...  I think our guides work efficiently to deflect our dark thoughts from manifesting anything more than a fun curious fantasy or imagining of strange, sometimes horrible, or other things.

I don't worry of things like enslavement, or being murdered, or destroyed, I've already experienced some dark stuff, I just try to avoid anymore of that and experience things that make me happy or provide me with wonder in a positive way.  I would look for the light but I find the corona, it's peripheral is enough for me.  I just hope that the plan of my life, I'll be able to follow it well, and do good along it.  

That I'll be able to follow the plan of my future well enough to manifest a very good future.  Hopefully one where I help people more than judge them...

Perhaps all things infinite are simplified to simple concepts of some form of unity, even those of separation and paradox.

Whoo, I'd like to see the equation for infinite paradox, that sounds pretty awesome, like itd even look synchronistic.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

You know what Yin yang, you're right.

I'm so stubborn, I'm sorry everyone, I really need to be more considerate of everyone's thoughts.

I'm going to try to be more moderately thoughtful of...  Trying to be more Merry.

I don't see how that could hurt or get in the way of my future desirous experiences.

I just want to say thank you to everyone.  Jeremy, Desyched, Xise, Min, Sky, YinYang especially, and Gemini.  Y'all gave me some good advice and help, and it is greatly appreciated~

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Oh. And Aion, I am sorry I forgot to thank you as well eh heh...