please help

[ayadew]

peregrine: This is an interesting thought. It might help me a great deal.. thank you so much for sharing. The greatest defense I've found so far is through meditation, where I close the world off except the parts I want. This allows me to genuinely ask for guidance and help. Afterwards I become very calm and focused, until all the thoughts come back, including the negative. Your concept might be congruent with this approach

[Sacred Fool]

Hola, amigo.

Glad to hear that what I typed previously might of some use to you. In the "healing others" thread you were saying that healing is the most natural thing in the world, etc. That, combined with the initial post of this thread, made me wonder if you were sticking your finger in too many light sockets...as it were. [It takes one to know one.]

As I suggested there, the "Thy will will, not mine, be done" element is a crucial one for moving through such territory. It's extremely disconcerting to be in such a distressing place feeling alone. Sometimes the only way to viscerally receive assistance is to surrender the outcome to those beings whom you instinctively trust most deeply. Otherwise, simply taking refuge in higher states will eventually become insufficient.

Sometimes one reaches a point internally where one is like a horse which has grazed every blade of grass in its pasture. And sometimes one simply must trust Divine helpers to guide one through the next gate into the next pasture where the process begins afresh. It take more guts than it appears to let go and accept that sort of hidden guidance; but, sometimes, that's the only way.

Best wishes.
~p~

[ayadew]

Yes indeed.. many of us seem to have a great desire to control everything in our environment, me included. To litteraly take the jump of faith is a very corageous thing to do. Trust, jump, become.
I've noticed that I've been doing many different things simultaneously, never getting satisfied. Perhaps that's why the meditations were so meaningful.. just Be and trust the divine helpers, as you say..

Yesterday's meditation yielded me a few insights about myself: I was obsessed with the idea of purpose, but there was none to be found. I failed to see that I myself give myself purpose, and that the highest purpose (that of the Creator) is also my own. This was exploited heavily by my negative friend. My current mentality is about: "If I am love, then I do not need any other purpose."
I must thank him for bringing this darkness to my consciousness.

[Sacred Fool]

What you write reminds me of a metaphor used by a particular Indian saint: you must be as a little bird that alights on various tiny twigs and dead branches, always ready to take flight as any gives way beneath its feet.

Cozying up inside happy little constructs of how the Universe works can be a dangerous habit, or at least one that leads to frequent surprise and disappointment. Not resting too heavily on any construct--but remaining in the flow of things--might be a more adaptive long term strategy. In my peregrinations, I've found the same goes for personal purpose. It's too hard--from this perspective--to see it clearly and, frankly, other things are more important.

In the end, as says Q'uo, the 3D experience is a journey past the point where cleverness and such are deemed of real value, across that threshold where one's being can fully surrender to Love.

May all beings find Peace.

[ayadew]

Hello friends. A short update.

I am alive and is regaining myself. These days have been an extreme amount of soul-searching and there's much old energy/memories coming up. I find it difficult to love myself because of this. But I must make peace with my past to move on, and I do not want to take in too much new information until I feel satisfied with this.
Will join you again in hopefully a not too distant future..

[AnthroHeart]

In the end, as says Q'uo, the 3D experience is a journey past the point where cleverness and such are deemed of real value, across that threshold where one's being can fully surrender to Love.

May all beings find Peace.

There are so many people waking up recently to the changes that are happening in our world. So it is going to be interesting to see how well people embrace this Love.

[Sacred Fool]

There are so many people waking up recently to the changes that are happening in our world. So it is going to be interesting to see how well people embrace this Love.

Yes, indeed! It'll be like a new little baby awakening to a new mother.

[Aaron]

There are so many people waking up recently to the changes that are happening in our world. So it is going to be interesting to see how well people embrace this Love.

Yes, indeed! It'll be like a new little baby awakening to a new mother.

This may be an inappropriate reply here, as I don't want to drag this thread off topic. But for the longest time, I've thought towards the awakening and enlivening of all here on earth. When I do, it seems to me that, to those who truly embrace love in essence, this change will be entirely natural. Because it is a step of our own evolution (and we have had many of these in the past), it will come to us as if it is something of our own that has been here the whole time. We will smile and greet this loving change to ourselves and feel it flow through us as something so familiar and human. Indeed, I think once we wake up to love, it will be an entirely human thing to emanate this divine love. It will be integrated into the human mind and so accepted naturally and projected outwards with no question or doubt.

So I'm saying, I agree with you, Peregrine and Gemini, and these are my clumsy words that attempt to dance around a topic of spirit! haha

[Light]

This post may be off topic a little as I did not read all the posts in this thread, just wanted to comment
"I can't sleep this night. When I close my eyes, negative feelings arise, so I keep myself busy in front of the computer. My whole stomach cramps up, a yellow/orange chakra domination, and I just want it all to end swiftly, by any means necessary. Any means. Have you felt completely hopelessness? Death being the only escape. It is completely irrational, as if brought from an outside source, which it likely is, and any positive thoughts I visualize become twisted and turned against me. I am away from my partner right now. I see her face, but it turns into a monster. Thus my light is fading and only my willpower sustains me. I feebly try to keep my little head together.
Can you imagine a fractal of endless despair? You think about one resolution of it, but it is part of a deeper despair, and thus you think about that, and on it goes that way until insanity. That is an attempt to describe this psychic attack. I don't want to describe too much due to it's power of self-suggestion."

Wow, this is very much like an experience I had prior to my awaking last year... I had the infinite hopelessness, stomach cramps, and didn't sleep all night.. except I was on LSD for the first time when this happened so this was not random(btw- all trips since then have been 100% positive). The hopelessness was so deep and pure- an infinite fractal as you said. It was by far THE most difficult experience of my life, but for this reason it was one of the best. I had experienced the very worst, so I was no longer afraid of anything(well at least not in the 3D world I guess). This experience was my ego's last stand because ego needs fear to survive. The important part was to recognize that I was experiencing myself.

[ayadew]

Hello Light. That is the exact experience I had while trying LSD - which imprinted me with this negative fractal idea. Truly, the worst experience of my life, and complete hopelessness is the final point where nothing can get worse. I have not been afraid of anything except this hopelessness ever since. If I can see the love in this hopelessness, then maybe, I'll never know fear again. The idea of knowing the ultimate fear is a great potential power in itself... a great opportunity for learning indeed.
The worst 3D can produce, as you say. The worst that has ever been created. To become comfortable with the ultimate fear is perhaps a main goal of this incarnation.

How did you go about and abolish the negativity from the fractal? I don't know what to do with it except accept it as the most terrible thing possible, something I have absolutely no use of, and not feed it any power beyond that.

[Aaron]

Hello Light. That is the exact experience I had while trying LSD - which imprinted me with this negative fractal idea. Truly, the worst experience of my life, and complete hopelessness is the final point where nothing can get worse. I have not been afraid of anything except this hopelessness ever since. If I can see the love in this hopelessness, then maybe, I'll never know fear again. The idea of knowing the ultimate fear is a great potential power in itself... a great opportunity for learning indeed.
The worst 3D can produce, as you say. The worst that has ever been created.

How did you go about and abolish the negativity from the fractal? I don't know what to do with it except accept it as the most terrible thing possible, something I have absolutely no use of, and not feed it any power beyond that.

Silly Ayadew, the fractal IS all of creation! And you can look at it both ways! Bashar says that the universe is just SLIGHTLY more positive than negative; he uses the percentages 49% neg and 51% pos arbitrarily to make the point. They say that (slightly paraphrasing here) the positive sway of the fractal is because of the choice of all entities to be able to view it as an infinite black hole of despair or as an infinite radiant sun of love. If we didn't have that choice, if we didn't have free will, the universe might be perfectly balanced, but we wouldn't be able to play about within it!

If I may make this suggestion... Sit silently, your mind as clear and blank as the deepest blue sky on a sun filled day. Just sit and feel the energy moving through you, trying nothing. Doing nothing. Being nothing. No effort. Don't try to contact anybody; don't try to lean towards the positive or banish the negative. Just sit and observe. Eventually, the natural positivity that you've been looking for within yourself will burst forth like a supernova. Almost instantly after it does, you will realize that it is your highest self's will for this to occur.

I am here if you need my help... We all are!

[ayadew]

Hello Aaron, yes, I will try... thank you. As of now, I am filled with disgust simply thinking about fractals though. My heart beats faster in fear by simply thinking about any fractal. It's a mental ghost. This will take some time to heal

[Light]

Hello Light. That is the exact experience I had while trying LSD - which imprinted me with this negative fractal idea. Truly, the worst experience of my life, and complete hopelessness is the final point where nothing can get worse. I have not been afraid of anything except this hopelessness ever since. If I can see the love in this hopelessness, then maybe, I'll never know fear again. The idea of knowing the ultimate fear is a great potential power in itself... a great opportunity for learning indeed.
The worst 3D can produce, as you say. The worst that has ever been created. To become comfortable with the ultimate fear is perhaps a main goal of this incarnation.

How did you go about and abolish the negativity from the fractal? I don't know what to do with it except accept it as the most terrible thing possible, something I have absolutely no use of, and not feed it any power beyond that.

I think you were right on with "To become comfortable with the ultimate fear is perhaps a main goal of this incarnation."

Also your right, you need to accept it, but you must accept it as yourself. You survived, all is well, so what purpose does fear serve? It serves to protect the ego. Your ego is what needs to be abolished, not the infinite fractal (because that is you). Once your ego is gone the fear is too.

Have you tried LSD since then? I see the horrible experience I had as a test. The test was- would I run and not try it again or would I face the only fear I had left? I chose to face it and I was greatly rewarded. My next trip(4 hits/17 hour trip) a month after was the exact opposite of the first(like I followed the fractal the other way). At the peak I experienced infinity in the other direction, I literally became light (not a metaphor) and there was no time(for all was experienced at once). That was the point of no return, as in no more doubt and no more fear. I also was made aware of the shift occurring and that the year would be around 2012, this surprised me because before I thought that stuff was just dooms day nonsense. Anyway, since then, I had a few more trips and studied, meditated etc a lot. My ego is pretty much gone, literally the only emotion I experience now is a feeling of love(peace, joy etc) and of course physical pain. My emotions left with the ego, because like ego, they are just distortions of light and love... So the most important thing is to not give up!

[ayadew]

Hello Light and Aaron.

My fear was that the negative fractal was all that there is. My mind was obsessed with that One is All, and thus I thought it was all there is - Only Complete Despair! Dreadful to the max. This is now altered.

I say "was." Yesterday, I had quite a profound experience. I saw my fellow negative fractal, in it's ultimate feariness, my stomach cramped up and I tore my hair and all that but then for the first time I saw the LOVE in it. For there is love in all things. The moment always contains love and so it is. The love overpowers ALL things and it is endless and free for everyone. I transformed the negative fractal into a brilliant golden light which I now hold in my heart. I saw a positive fractal for the first time. It was endlessly spirialing love, always creating something new and fundamentally profound and exciting. Oh what joy to have it!!! Things would quickly get boring without the fractal. When I think about the negative fractal I am not filled with happiness, but I am not filled with terror either. It's there as a neutral reminder of the worse this existence can do and thus there is no more fearful. I am not locked by a biased polarity (negative). It just is, exactly what I make of it myself. It is proper. It is well.

Light; I don't really know what the ego is. My consciousness does not operate much on what many would classify as the ego-level though, but I do care about my mental state, survival, enjoying myself etc. I do realise the paradox of where you let go of everything - you gain everything. This shall come in due and proper time I'm sure. As for now, I am myself.
I will never do LSD or any psychedelica again, even though your idea of a positive experience sounds very tempting. It is not for me, for I wish to be human in this life, that which is after can come after. I have a human brain which has set limitations which are proper for this existence. I do not want to mess with it more. If others gets positive experiences from it though, then fine. I am not against it, I'm sure it can be a complete life changer in any direction.. for me it was, for a time, to the completely negative though.
It's like Ram Dass' friend Emanuel said when Ram Dass asked what he should do in his life when he was tripping on LSD: "Well, Ram Dass... why don't you try to be human for once and stop escaping?"

Thank you so much for your reminders.. this helped me tremendously.
I was angry at you yesterday Aaron. You were a real moron to me for saying that "the fractal IS all of creation". Then I realized that you were true.. I am sorry.
I will alter your statement though: The fractal is part of all that there is, but it's not everything. Look around you.. were are not fractals, but it's a proper part of the world. As stated before, my fear was that One is All meant the negative fractal exclusively. Only despair. Then I forgot that All is One... and complete despair is definitely not all that there is!

Hopefully my stomach will stop hurting now. I'm sure it will take some time to stabilize my physical system though, it took quite a beating these last 10 days of terror. I don't know how many times I contemplated suicide. "Why not just end it all.. so easy." That does make you very stressful, and stress is about the worst you can do to your body.

I am now filled with peace. Joy. To think that yesterday I could give everything to go back in time before I took that LSD. And now I do not.
The Creator sure likes happy endings.

It kind of just... makes you want to break into song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5BxymuiAxQ

[fairyfarmgirl]

I am happy and grateful to learn, Ayadew that you choose life and have navigated the Dark Night of you Soul. I Bless your HEART with Love and I Bathe you in Love and Light.

Love--

fairyfarmgirl

[Light]

Hello Light and Aaron.

My fear was that the negative fractal was all that there is. My mind was obsessed with that One is All, and thus I thought it was all there is - Only Complete Despair! Dreadful to the max. This is now altered.

I say "was." Yesterday, I had quite a profound experience. I saw my fellow negative fractal, in it's ultimate feariness, my stomach cramped up and I tore my hair and all that but then for the first time I saw the LOVE in it. For there is love in all things. The moment always contains love and so it is. The love overpowers ALL things and it is endless and free for everyone. I transformed the negative fractal into a brilliant golden light which I now hold in my heart. I saw a positive fractal for the first time. It was endlessly spirialing love, always creating something new and fundamentally profound and exciting. Oh what joy to have it!!! Things would quickly get boring without the fractal. When I think about the negative fractal I am not filled with happiness, but I am not filled with terror either. It's there as a neutral reminder of the worse this existence can do and thus there is no more fearful. I am not locked by a biased polarity (negative). It just is, exactly what I make of it myself. It is proper. It is well.

Light; I don't really know what the ego is. My consciousness does not operate much on what many would classify as the ego-level though, but I do care about my mental state, survival, enjoying myself etc. I do realise the paradox of where you let go of everything - you gain everything. This shall come in due and proper time I'm sure. As for now, I am myself.
I will never do LSD or any psychedelica again, even though your idea of a positive experience sounds very tempting. It is not for me, for I wish to be human in this life, that which is after can come after. I have a human brain which has set limitations which are proper for this existence. I do not want to mess with it more. If others gets positive experiences from it though, then fine. I am not against it, I'm sure it can be a complete life changer in any direction.. for me it was, for a time, to the completely negative though.
It's like Ram Dass' friend Emanuel said when Ram Dass asked what he should do in his life when he was tripping on LSD: "Well, Ram Dass... why don't you try to be human for once and stop escaping?"

Thank you so much for your reminders.. this helped me tremendously.
I was angry at you yesterday Aaron. You were a real moron to me for saying that "the fractal IS all of creation". Then I realized that you were true.. I am sorry.
I will alter your statement though: The fractal is part of all that there is, but it's not everything. Look around you.. were are not fractals, but it's a proper part of the world. As stated before, my fear was that One is All meant the negative fractal exclusively. Only despair. Then I forgot that All is One... and complete despair is definitely not all that there is!

Hopefully my stomach will stop hurting now. I'm sure it will take some time to stabilize my physical system though, it took quite a beating these last 10 days of terror. I don't know how many times I contemplated suicide. "Why not just end it all.. so easy." That does make you very stressful, and stress is about the worst you can do to your body.

I am now filled with peace. Joy. To think that yesterday I could give everything to go back in time before I took that LSD. And now I do not.
The Creator sure likes happy endings.

It kind of just... makes you want to break into song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5BxymuiAxQ

Very wise words! I am glad you found love! As the Confederation has said, taking hallucinatory drugs is an experiment, a test. And as we know, tests are only needed when you doubt! I have changed the way I look at things since my last post and encourage others to take the natural path.

[kristy1111]

There is a sufi waiziva I would do in such a moment I don't know the spelling but that won't help much anyway "Djammu Naurr"

Can you tell us how that is pronounced? (Djammu Naurr) Thanks!

[ayadew]

Hello friends.

My stomach is in turmoil with excess amounts of gastric acid which leaks to the rest of the systems in my stomach resulting in quite some pain. I don't get sick often, but when I do it's bad.. at least I'm free of all the negative thoughts which started this. I can only get better from here.

L&L

[Aaron]

...

Thank you so much for your reminders.. this helped me tremendously.
I was angry at you yesterday Aaron. You were a real moron to me for saying that "the fractal IS all of creation". Then I realized that you were true.. I am sorry.
I will alter your statement though: The fractal is part of all that there is, but it's not everything. Look around you.. were are not fractals, but it's a proper part of the world. As stated before, my fear was that One is All meant the negative fractal exclusively. Only despair. Then I forgot that All is One... and complete despair is definitely not all that there is!

...

I'll accept that altered statement! I could/should have also maybe said "The fractal represents all of creation." I guess that wouldn't have had the effect I was going for though. haha Forgive me, as now that I know more of my infinite self, I have become more confident in speaking from the center. Clarity in communication is something I have been working on lately.

I'm glad you were able to flip it over and see the love encompassing the darkness rather than visa versa!

---

Hello friends.

My stomach is in turmoil with excess amounts of gastric acid which leaks to the rest of the systems in my stomach resulting in quite some pain. I don't get sick often, but when I do it's bad.. at least I'm free of all the negative thoughts which started this. I can only get better from here.

L&L

Sending you the highest vibrations I know! Good luck with this lesson, friend. Feel better soon.

[Questioner]

That's a type of pain I've felt. May the love and peace of the Creator surround and bless your spirit, mind and body in all gentleness and healing... and may all catalyst be fully digestible with comfort and ease on all levels.

[ayadew]

My friends. I have gone to a therapist which helped me. I think one of the main lessons of all this is that one should not be afraid to ask for help. I tried to fix all of this by myself and the guides within me, but then I denied many paths of how this help might have been recieved. As I went to the outside world for help it suddenly appeared in form of this therapist who is a very spiritual and knowledgable man.

This also helped me to see that my entire problem was not in the negative fractal itself, it was in my obsession in trying to make sense of it all. I wanted control so desperately. My LSD experience showed me, in the most brutal way, that I am not in control and will never be in this life.
Nothing Is Known, nothing can be understood in this life. It is a fundamental paradox which is best represented by the fractal structure. Whichever way you move in it another mystery is unfolding infinitely. I could simply not stand this. But I think I do now.

So, I realize I cannot understand everything in the world. But I can still appreciate the beauty in it. I can love and forever be amazed. I think this is true happiness. To just be content with what you have. I know I will understand everything someday, but not today. I think I can be content with that.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel.
It's funny how long it can take to see the cause when you're all busy with the symptoms..

[Peregrinus]

Again, drugs do not lead to the natural process. Meditation will get one farther on the turtles route, but to the right place in the end.

[Ashim]

Glad to hear you're ok. You are most certainly not alone - I have also been mentalizing too hard but have settled back into the heart Chakra (mode) of sending Love and accepting that offered to me by our Creator. Going with the flow, not understanding so much with the "monkey brain" - trying to see the Light in places where there was darkness before.

One of my favourite tunes - for you ayadew.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7RPCFfudmU

[ayadew]

Again, drugs do not lead to the natural process. Meditation will get one farther on the turtles route, but to the right place in the end.

Indeed, they do not, but it gave me an incredible leap in consciousness. One almost too big for my sanity.. too fast progression = head explodes!

Thank you for the song Ashim.. it is good

My friends, I have become the 3D representation of infinity by this LSD experience. And we all are infinite, for you are me. I became infinity as far as my rational brain could translate it for me to remember.

Remember, the world is not a fractal per definition. This was what I thought and this gave me great grief. The fractal is only the best representation of that which you are.

I AM just became I AM INFINITY

To have infinity explode in your head was almost too much for me. Thus I do not recommend LSD in any way. And it was all the negative parts of infinity. Yet see the infinite darkness allows you to understand the infinite light.
This experience is beyond what many of our density will experience I'm sure. I will treat it as a great gift, for that it is. A unshakable belief that I am eternal and infinite, and a first-hand and true experience of this.

Upon this realization I thought: Well, infinity.. is that all there is to it? Is there nothing more? Then I laughed at myself, for infinity is more than enough!
A truly remarkable journey we're all on, my friends! Fantastic!

[fairyfarmgirl]

It is good that you are realizing this... the processes that I spoke of I used when I expanded too quickly for my mind to understand and this led to me really being out of my mind. It was not caused by drugs--- instead by Trauma. Infinity is best taken in incremental steps as it is like being raised from the deep sea too quickly and getting a really reallly challenging case of the bends... the lesson taught me to take my time and that I was truly fairy... more than this body or this mind... and yet I was none of those things... I was Now-here.

It is a remarkable journey. It is indeed.

Love to All!

fairy

[Peregrinus]

Indeed, they do not, but it gave me an incredible leap in consciousness. One almost too big for my sanity.. too fast progression = head explodes!

...and yet I have experienced this in meditation without need for drugs and with beautiful progression, sweet like a warm rain made of the love of the One Creator.

My friends, I have become the 3D representation of infinity by this LSD experience.

You and you alone? You have experienced something which others have experienced for... infinity. 345 million of Ra experienced this billions of years ago. Hatonn, Oxtal, Latwii, Aaron, and countless others have all experience this in 3D before, and in this 3D there are countless wanderers which also experience this. Thinking you are special is the ego brother, and this does self and other self no service.

I AM just became I AM INFINITY

"I AM INFINITY" is "I AM", for "I AM" is all there is in creation... "I AM" is The One Infinite Creator.

To have infinity explode in your head was almost too much for me. Thus I do not recommend LSD in any way. And it was all the negative parts of infinity. Yet see the infinite darkness allows you to understand the infinite light.

They don't call it an acid "trip" for no reason... and yes, in order to reach higher into the light, one must explore and understand their dark side. Using the darkness to stretch the elastic band, as it were, one may slingshot oneself into the light much further than without using the darkness.

I have known for some time that this is what works for addicts, the ones that go from full addiction to loving God... by being in their darkest place, but I never realized it also applies for everyone. From the darkest point in my life I came to be here and closer to the One creator than I ever imagined.

This experience is beyond what many of our density will experience I'm sure. I will treat it as a great gift, for that it is. A unshakable belief that I am eternal and infinite, and a first-hand and true experience of this.

Again, do not fool yourself or stroke your ego brother. Many experience this and always have. I spend many days now in 4th density already and have been touched by intelligent infinity too. Yes it is a gift, but it should humble the self, not make it special.

[ayadew]

Hello Peregrinus. Thank you for your kind advise.

I feel it to be difficult to formulate words of feelings of personal power without it being easy to interpret as being from an ego level.
Surely, I am not the first which has experienced this. Likely shall all of us. And all of us will in the very end, for we are always all that is.

I found a fantastic quote that explains my situation quite a bit


http://www.llresearch.org/transcripts/is..._0115.aspx

It is possible for an unexamined, confused situation to crush you so that you have almost no hope, no power to go on, and so forth. It is also possible with that same situation to do what little you can in your mind at any given time to remember who you are and take back your power from that which is crushing you. It does not matter when you are taking back your power whether or not you have the ability to affect the physical situation at that moment. Taking back your power as a soul or spirit is involved in remembering that you are not limited by life and death: you are a citizen of eternity. You are a creator and you have a creation that you can populate with the ideals and the beauties that you love. You can forgive the people or the situations that are crushing you.

[Biu_Tze]

Reading other peoples experiences I wanted to contribute briefly before my kung fu seminar!
I did a large dose of mushrooms a few years back, every though I had, I would realize the full truth behind it, a large percent of these were negative thoughts, it was the most my emotions have ever been so open, man it was draining, at the end I decided I could be ANYWHERE I wanted to be, and I choose here. I decided to be here, and now. What a great amount of strength I can draw from such an occurrence. Love and Light!

[artichoke]

ayadew, thank you and other contributors for this thread. I've read about the first page and a half, your comment and those elicited from others, and they were very helpful to me in my current situation. I have additional opportunities for attacks (as well as opportunities for nice things) because I am supporting a family. I feel better now too.

I also read the last page, and it's interesting to me because I've never done mushrooms or acid. I think I could handle it, but one never knows until one tries. I'm currently reading a book in which some of the characters are experiencing various drugs (as well as dealing them!) Anyway I don't have easy access to the stuff, so this probably isn't the time for me to try them.

[ayadew]

If you attract them you'll get it.. as with everything.
It was my time to use entheogens and it was inevitable, a person popped up quite quickly in my life who gave me the possibility to do this when the time was right, and it presented my most intensive experience on this planet so far. Truly a pre-incarnate decision. This life is such a chore sometimes... not only are we stuck in the complete madness of a society that goes towards infinite novelty and extremes as the catalysts intensifies before the harvest, we'll also have to deal with that which goes beyond any form of sanity. And still, there's a smile of my face!