What is the opposite of guilt?
I wasn’t really sure where to post this but I guess olio might do…
Have anyone here also problems with guilt and difficulty forgiving oneself for what happened?
I will try to explain. For the last couple years I was the caretaker for my mum who suffered from dementia. Already in 2016 I was completely overwhelmed by this task because I literally didn’t have any spare time left for myself.. I was either working or going to my mums place, being there all weekends, holidays etc. All the time that I wasn’t in the office, I was at her place. I neglected everything else, my friends, my apartment, myself.
When she had to be hospitalized last year, I had a breakdown and admitted to myself and family that I couldn’t cope with it anymore. I was sick for weeks and when she came out of hospital we decided that a cousin of mine, who at that time was unemployed and women from Poland who come here to live with and nurse old people would take turns in taking care of her.
My mum had had a good relationship with that cousin and I figured it was a good idea, since the polish women were basically strangers, to have at least one family member there.
Well what can I say…. After a couple of weeks I realized that the nightmare was not over.
My cousin turned out to be a controlling and manipulative person, I had stomach aches when I went to mums place and I realized we had put someone in a position who was in no way qualified to take care of an old and sick person. I tried to talk to my siblings about it but they wouldn’t hear of it.
Honestly I didn’t know what to do, I tried best to cope with my cousin and my mum when I got there and I desired the return of the polish woman, who was a good nurse and knew how to deal with mum.
Finally she arrived. And she was horrified at what the cousin had done… this cousin even admitted to her about neglecting my mum… she hadn’t openly admitted to me, she always found excuses and blatantly lied in my face – I knew something was up but now finally we had proof.
I said to the polish caretaker, Margareta, “you have to talk to my family about this, because they wouldn’t listen to me or believe me when I told them”.
So she did.
Well in the end we terminated the cousins employment. I also talked to my aunt about it because I figured she should know what had happened when her daughter worked for us.
Now I am the bad one in the family because my aunt and cousin accuse me of having made all those things up, that the cousin did nothing wrong etc.
This spring my mum died. Her last weeks were horrible, she could not get up anymore, she was in constant pain, the painkillers worsened her dementia.
It was a relief, her death and I felt happy for her, that her suffering had ended and also for myself, because watching her suffering and trying to help and being unable because all the options seemed to have negative side effects was really bad.
Now we come to the question of guilt.
The polish caretakers weren’t all awesome either but I couldn’t figure out any other way to deal with the situation – having her move to an old people’s home at her age and dementia would have been worse. So at least she was able to live in her apartment until the end and die in her own bed.
But the thing I cannot forgive myself and that still haunts me is my cousin.
I am like “how could I not see this”… I already hated her as a child because she would bully me. But in the last years we sometimes talked and she visited us and used to suck up to me and pay me compliments about how she admired the work I did for my mum etc and I fell for that. And I overlooked the rest, the warning signs etc. So when she said she would help out I thought it was a good idea.
My sister in law says I should have known because cousin never could keep a job etc and people do not change, blablabla.
So you see, I was basically the only one in the family who was dealing with the situation with my mum on a regular basis, I didn’t get help from my siblings who claimed they were too busy and I had to make decisions – and logically, if you don’t do anything you cannot really commit stupid things. I did things I thought were good and in the end it turned out disastrous.
So I cannot help but think how it was for my mum, spending those eight weeks with my negative cousin and I feel guilty because I agreed that we employ her.
I also had weird dreams about my mum (I mean recently, after her death), in one she was in an underground tunnel, getting out of her car, and walking (in a “handicapped way”, sort of, one leg was not really working but a lot better than in her last weeks) and I went up to her and gave her bread with olive oil? In the dream I then had the impression that it was ok and I did not need do anything else.
And lately another dream where she was running around the city and I was watching and I remember thinking “wow she can walk really well now, a lot better than in the last stages of her life”.
But in both cases I did not talk to her.
It was very different when my dad died because he sometimes visited me in my dreams and we would indeed talk.
Well I would appreciate any input, maybe similar situations you experienced and what helped you deal with it.
What I am not keen on honestly are Ra quotes, haha!
I would love someones answer in their own words.
Easier to understand for me anyways since I am not a native speaker.
Thank you for your patience in reading this so far.
I wasn’t really sure where to post this but I guess olio might do…
Have anyone here also problems with guilt and difficulty forgiving oneself for what happened?
I will try to explain. For the last couple years I was the caretaker for my mum who suffered from dementia. Already in 2016 I was completely overwhelmed by this task because I literally didn’t have any spare time left for myself.. I was either working or going to my mums place, being there all weekends, holidays etc. All the time that I wasn’t in the office, I was at her place. I neglected everything else, my friends, my apartment, myself.
When she had to be hospitalized last year, I had a breakdown and admitted to myself and family that I couldn’t cope with it anymore. I was sick for weeks and when she came out of hospital we decided that a cousin of mine, who at that time was unemployed and women from Poland who come here to live with and nurse old people would take turns in taking care of her.
My mum had had a good relationship with that cousin and I figured it was a good idea, since the polish women were basically strangers, to have at least one family member there.
Well what can I say…. After a couple of weeks I realized that the nightmare was not over.
My cousin turned out to be a controlling and manipulative person, I had stomach aches when I went to mums place and I realized we had put someone in a position who was in no way qualified to take care of an old and sick person. I tried to talk to my siblings about it but they wouldn’t hear of it.
Honestly I didn’t know what to do, I tried best to cope with my cousin and my mum when I got there and I desired the return of the polish woman, who was a good nurse and knew how to deal with mum.
Finally she arrived. And she was horrified at what the cousin had done… this cousin even admitted to her about neglecting my mum… she hadn’t openly admitted to me, she always found excuses and blatantly lied in my face – I knew something was up but now finally we had proof.
I said to the polish caretaker, Margareta, “you have to talk to my family about this, because they wouldn’t listen to me or believe me when I told them”.
So she did.
Well in the end we terminated the cousins employment. I also talked to my aunt about it because I figured she should know what had happened when her daughter worked for us.
Now I am the bad one in the family because my aunt and cousin accuse me of having made all those things up, that the cousin did nothing wrong etc.
This spring my mum died. Her last weeks were horrible, she could not get up anymore, she was in constant pain, the painkillers worsened her dementia.
It was a relief, her death and I felt happy for her, that her suffering had ended and also for myself, because watching her suffering and trying to help and being unable because all the options seemed to have negative side effects was really bad.
Now we come to the question of guilt.
The polish caretakers weren’t all awesome either but I couldn’t figure out any other way to deal with the situation – having her move to an old people’s home at her age and dementia would have been worse. So at least she was able to live in her apartment until the end and die in her own bed.
But the thing I cannot forgive myself and that still haunts me is my cousin.
I am like “how could I not see this”… I already hated her as a child because she would bully me. But in the last years we sometimes talked and she visited us and used to suck up to me and pay me compliments about how she admired the work I did for my mum etc and I fell for that. And I overlooked the rest, the warning signs etc. So when she said she would help out I thought it was a good idea.
My sister in law says I should have known because cousin never could keep a job etc and people do not change, blablabla.
So you see, I was basically the only one in the family who was dealing with the situation with my mum on a regular basis, I didn’t get help from my siblings who claimed they were too busy and I had to make decisions – and logically, if you don’t do anything you cannot really commit stupid things. I did things I thought were good and in the end it turned out disastrous.
So I cannot help but think how it was for my mum, spending those eight weeks with my negative cousin and I feel guilty because I agreed that we employ her.
I also had weird dreams about my mum (I mean recently, after her death), in one she was in an underground tunnel, getting out of her car, and walking (in a “handicapped way”, sort of, one leg was not really working but a lot better than in her last weeks) and I went up to her and gave her bread with olive oil? In the dream I then had the impression that it was ok and I did not need do anything else.
And lately another dream where she was running around the city and I was watching and I remember thinking “wow she can walk really well now, a lot better than in the last stages of her life”.
But in both cases I did not talk to her.
It was very different when my dad died because he sometimes visited me in my dreams and we would indeed talk.
Well I would appreciate any input, maybe similar situations you experienced and what helped you deal with it.
What I am not keen on honestly are Ra quotes, haha!
I would love someones answer in their own words.
Easier to understand for me anyways since I am not a native speaker.
Thank you for your patience in reading this so far.
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