Spiritual Crisis to Love

[AnthroHeart]

There are many times in my life when I am experiencing what I believe to be a spiritual crisis. I am overrun with thoughts of suicide. I find comfort in the thoughts of my death. My heart chakra feels blocked, and not even the love of my dogs brings me out of this funk. And sometimes my solar plexus feels anxious.

But given time, eventually I find a way out. But it's hard. I remember my social memory complex and am thankful for the things in my life. This helps me some. But I never feel quite normal. It could be a side effect of my meds. I don't know.

What do others here do in the case of a spiritual crisis? I am almost feeling one now. Fearing it will never end. Voices/thoughts telling me that I will die soon.

[Phoenix]

That almost puts my problems to shame. Almost.

I obsessively pray. I meditate, ground as well. But prayer is the thing. I also read q'uo readings. Today I spent ages in bed repeating over and over again 'The law is One'.

[AnthroHeart]

Thanks Phoenix. I was doing well for a bit after I had written that last.
I hope you're doing better.

I'm feeling anxious again. Last night I wanted to die in my sleep.

But that thought makes me sad now because of my dogs.
And my mom would freak out. She can't survive on her own I don't think.
She'd be homeless without me. And my wolfdog would probably
be put to sleep because it's illegal to own a wolfdog in the next
county over, and wolfdogs only bond usually to one owner.

He also doesn't like other dogs.

I'm a bit sad at how I feel right now. I'm sad that I'm stuck taking medication.
I'm sad that I'm a schizophrenic.

If I actually felt the pull of death coming, not sure if I'd freak out or not.

I don't read Q'uo readings much because it seems like they say the same thing
over again. They talk about love which is something I desire to feel.
But instead I feel anxiety and sorrow.

At least I have Monday off of work.

Obsessively praying sounds good, but I usually end up praying for the easy way out. This anxiety almost feels like another spiritual crisis.

[Phoenix]

Hey. This is a work in progress, I'm not sure this solution is 'the' solution.

But the praying seems to be largely because I was trying very hard to solve a problem that in the end wasn't solved, and I don't know could be, especially down the way I was trying it.

I am experimenting with stopping with dream recall. I feel a permanent connection to my higher self when I am doing it and feel I have thumped down to the real world. Things feel different now. I have to 'push out' more to love. I do feel something still though. I'm still intuitive. But I also haven't been able to interpret dreams or get anything good from them for a long time. I don't know if dream recall is for me. I have a lot of tools, some of which I use and some which I don't at the moment. But I may be/ have been possibly overdoing it with: Meditation, astrology, dream recall, and intuitive readings such as Q'uo and Edgar Cayce. The reason for this is perhaps because on a deep level I cling to the service to others path like stink on s*** because I am afraid of 'falling' onto the 'dark side' so to speak.

I met a girl a while back who was very spiritual who told me that she went through a period where all the things that had used to work for her simply failed on her. She saw it as some sort of trial.

[Paragraph deleted.]

[AnthroHeart]

It's good you're trying to make things better for yourself Phoenix.
I don't know how to make things better.
They aren't horrible as I've mentioned before.
I'm just sensitive to the negativity of the world,
and of those around me.
Plus I have a large project on my plate at work.
If I could just win the lottery. Though I don't play it.

I don't know if there is a "solution" for all that ails me.

Thank you Phoenix. I appreciate your input.

I rarely feel connected with my higher self.

I know the emotional breakdown very well. I've been emotionally hypersensitive before.

Whether at home or at work, I don't find any relief.

Listening to good music helps though, with the dopamine.

I don't feel like dying now. But not sure how long this will last.

[Phoenix]

When asked about traditional medical methods, the Ra material said that if the being is service to others. Then to do the thing that is the most service to others. I know people who take things and have jobs that are invaluable to society.

I think people that are highly positively polarised do get a lot of anxiety, because with responsibility comes anxiety. Think of Jim and Carla. I feel that very often the correct decision for me to take is the one that includes a lot of anxiety.

[Phoenix]

Post deleted.

[Ashim]

When the higher densities view 'us' they do not perceive a linear flow of time and thus often have difficultly understanding the 'trapped' aspect of life in 3rd density.

What does the feeling of being uncomfortable promote?

For me it is movement, the gravitation towards the distortion of comfort or 'well being'.

@GW
I have experiences that are similar to yours. You are no exception to these symptoms although each individual will process them uniquely.

My state of spiritual pain guided me towards activities that I perceive as enjoyable.
For example playing music, writing etc.
I defaulted to doing things that I enjoy.

If however your self esteem is low, you may still feel an obligation to continue to serve in a way that causes you distress or anguish.
For example, tasks that appear boring /tiresome / etc., with no gratitude forthcoming.
This is the accumulated karma being worked off.

GW you are a talented writer for example.
Why not channel energy into that?

[AnthroHeart]

I don't think I could write something as good as The Warlock Name that I finished in 2004. It's sadly out of print though.

[Ashim]

I don't think I could write something as good as The Warlock Name that I finished in 2004. It's sadly out of print though.

Yeh, costs over 50 bucks for a second hand copy.

http://www.amazon.de/The-Warlock-Name-Th...rlock+name

[AnthroHeart]

It's weird, but every little pain I get in my heart or kidneys I get excited about, thinking death is at the door, and that I can go home. Think I've mentioned this before. It could be my meds I was told. But if they turned into major pain, I wouldn't like that. I don't think I'd like feeling ill and dying. Maybe that's what's keeping me from truly going home. Though my guide would say that home is here while I'm in this reality.

I've expressed my deepest sadness to my wolf anthro guide Kel'Ir (kell-err) for feeling this way. I used to think my guide's name was Cecil. But Kel'Ir sounds better.

Cecil means blind, and it wasn't fun having a blind guide. I once thought I was spiritually blind, and having to take this journey myself. I sometimes feel like I don't have any support. I miss my spiritual family SO MUCH.

At least today I might not have to go out shopping, that will be tomorrow possibly, depending on how my mom feels. I have to drive her everywhere. Even to Universal City, which is on the other side of town.

[isis]

crISIS ALERT

which is worse: some1 being upset bc they don't want to die or some1 being upset bc they want to die? imo, the former

i just watched the movie "dallas buyers club" ...lots of crying about not wanting to die in that movie. people getting upset about not wanting to die makes me feel extremely sorrowful - bc i think death is a beautiful & awesome fact of life

i just thought i'd let u kno that today i find all these posts of yours, where u share over & over & over & over & over your desire to die, to be a breath of fresh air

[AnthroHeart]

I'm sorry I'm so repetitive.
I don't realize how much I really post.
I wouldn't want to really die in a painful way.
If someone put a gun to my head, I might tell them what are they waiting for.

I'm glad you find my posts a breath of fresh air though.

---

I'm just afraid that when I do die, what if I can't go home,
or choose not to go home, but repeat another 3D incarnation?

[Phoenix]

I have to say I've gone the Christian route and it has seemed to be the end of my personal problems at the moment. There are other things but really saying to Jesus for his desire for my future rather than my own seems to have short cutted the self serving behaviours that were undermining me. Again a work in progress.

(This has been edited so some users have effectively 'liked' a different post.

[AnthroHeart]

I know that Carla is a mystical Christian, and it seems to work for her. I figured though that Jesus was busy in 4D/5D to pay attention to everyone who follows him. I did call out his name once when I felt a negative presence, which did not go away. Instead the negative presence insulted me further.

I'm glad my contributions have something to offer. I feel as if I have much confusion in my life. So it's hard to know if I am teaching anything.

I've said many times that I don't really have a tough life. It's just not all peachy. There are tough decisions to make though.

[Horuseus]

It's weird, but every little pain I get in my heart or kidneys I get excited about, thinking death is at the door, and that I can go home.

I'm sorry I'm so repetitive.
I don't realize how much I really post.
I wouldn't want to really die in a painful way.
If someone put a gun to my head, I might tell them what are they waiting for.

I mean this in the sincerest way possible, and I'm not sure how old you are, however do you plan on having this same lust for death as you've portrayed on these boards for say, the next 20-30 years of your life? That sounds like hell to me.

I've said it before that this forum allows bypassing of many of our fears and issues, and in your case I believe you need to face your fears head on rather than simply fantasizing or talking about death/suicide. Unfortunately this forum and many others like it due to their nature will only be too willing to support such notions, which Imo does injustice and is not true service.

You can always choose not to, of course, but then again do you really want to be feeling the way you do for the rest of your life? Make the most of your Human experience, embrace and love it. There's much here for you if you simply open yourself to the possibility. Ask yourself why do you not feel that way and sincerely work through them. Doesn't have to be anything big, just small steps, but it all makes a difference.

Edit: Added quote.

[AnthroHeart]

No, I honestly don't want to feel the same way for the next 20-30 years. I want to enjoy life.
It is hell in a way. I do need to face my fears.
I like how you say to embrace and love my human experience.

I like when I talk about positive things. But I get anxious even now talking about the good things.
I can't escape this anxious feeling.

[Horuseus]

I like when I talk about positive things. But I get anxious even now talking about the good things.
I can't escape this anxious feeling.

The reason you like it is because it helps distract you from facing your fears, and the anxious feeling is letting you know that you know you're doing this but for some reason do not wish to look or acknowledge it. Rather than work through it on your own (Which can be difficult being on the 'inside') I would think it would be better if you found a therapist who is open to your values and who you would be comfortable discussing with.

To be of service to others you need to be of service to your self first. Plenty of time to worry about 4/5/6D later. You're in 3D now and it's where you know you're supposed to be.

If you know you're not going to be here forever, what's the worse that can happen by facing your fears?

Edit: I was 'told' to tell you to think of it this way. Whenever I, or another member, may offer advice, it is communication from your Guide/HS working through us to give you what you need to know.

[AnthroHeart]

To be of service to others you need to be of service to your self first. Plenty of time to worry about 4/5/6D later. You're in 3D now and it's where you know you're supposed to be.

If you know you're not going to be here forever, what's the worse that can happen by facing your fears?

Edit: I was 'told' to tell you to think of it this way. Whenever I, or another member, may offer advice, it is communication from your Guide/HS working through us to give you what you need to know.

Thank you for this insight. Yeah, I would like more of my attention to be on 3D. Not trying to escape. There is no escape anyway. I just have to live my life, and make the most of it. At least I have a good friend, and we email-chat a few times a week.

[AnthroHeart]

Looking back I never really had a spiritual crisis. I had fearful times, but they weren't extreme and I was in no danger. Ok, one time I was actually suicidal, but only for a few minutes and then I realized it wouldn't solve anything.

I look back to my past with remembrance. And a fondness for what I have now. What I have learned.

I thought the littlest spritual frustration was a crisis. Perhaps I just wanted to vent. Or wanted attention. I don't know.

But I feel pretty good now.

[mjlabadia]

Hi Gem,
I can sympathize with you going through a "dark night of the soul" experience.
I've already burdened the forum members with the details so I won't belabor it.
However, one of the members provided a great insight to what these experiences could be,....above and beyond just catalyst.

He likened these "ramp-ups" of catalyst to being towards the end of a long work-out session. You have to really push through the pain, and keep trying, in order to provide the necessary "damage" to the muscles in order to stimulate repair/growth.

Perhaps, you are approaching the end of a spiritual growing period, from which you will emerge to a new level of enlightenment? (But still remaining in this incarnation.)
You are exercising and growing your "spiritual muscles".
Your spiritual muscles are tired and sore, you're maybe even emotionally out of breath,....but you're approaching the end of the final lap,.....and you just have a little more pushing to do.

Maybe, with just a little more work,....you can come out at the end with less "suffering", and maybe a feeling of less darkness in your environment?

Gem, you bring an important perspective to this community. You have some struggles,....but those struggles haven't overwhelmed your desire for enlightenment. They haven't overwhelmed your desire to give/receive love between self/other-self.

Even more important, You have the honor/duty of being able to provide an even greater service than many of us could hope to provide,......

You have taken on a difficult Honor/Duty in this incarnation, because of all your struggles. As you grow stronger, and life a beautiful life,......You could be an immense help to those who have the same issues you have, but have not yet learned what you've learned to help them alleviate some of their suffering.

Gem, many so called "healthy" people never achieve the level of enlightenment and understanding you have.
Can you imagine the sense of comfort you could provide to another "Gemini Wolf", who hasn't traveled as far into the light as you have?
Just imagine how their sense of "aloneness" would be relieved by finally meeting someone who "gets them". Someone who can use their spiritual flashlight to help illuminate what can seem a most rocky path.
What a great service you can provide, Gem!

[AnthroHeart]

Thanks mjlabadia. I never thought about the service I could provide others. I wouldn't really know what to say to another.

I feel I've grown out of the dark night of the soul. My next challenges won't be nearly as scary.