what is accepting catalyst vs acting on catalyst?

[sjel]

here is the Q'uo dialogue on the subject.

i have read this multiple times. i am currently in a state of anger. anger at my own stagnation. for the past year i've been steadily accepting my position in life more and more. i am 20 years old and dropped out of college. now i live at my parents' house. i have had very little contact with people my own age, due to depression, anger at self, generally isolated myself. so ive been overwhelmed with loneliness. i live in a town that is the type of place you go to raise children. a middle class suburban city in california. ive brought myself here through my own actions by dropping out of college and abandoning relationships. for a year ive worked with kids as a tutor, which has absolutely saved me from becoming entirely isolated from humanity.

ive stagnated for too long. ive been making music electronically and i play piano all the time. im having waves of surging anger/rage these past few days, the energies psychiatrists have tried to prescribe bipolar medications for. I FEEL as if i have accepted TOO much. Ive been accepting each day and trying to find the love in every moment (succeeding as often as i fail) . have i been too passive?! is the thought im raging, wrestling with.

i feel like im wasting away socially. i feel like im falling asleep, this town puts my mind to sleep. i have that feeling of being someone trying to fight off the sleepiness that overcomes you, but maybe i am reacting too angrily for this fight to have a positive outcome. i am terrified of falling asleep. i am terrified in general. that's why im here in this parents house, living off of them for free, eating full healthy meals and wasting away inside. it seems like im starving in an ocean of spiritual food.

im even scared of posting this, because of the chorus of opposition im hearing: "you are a white, upper-middle class boy who gets free food and a comfortable bed. its by your own choice that you are in this place of weakness." which is TRUE. how do i oppose the voices that are true.

i hope i have communicated enough of my pain. it's strange calling this pain when i live in such physical comfort. but i must say it. i am in great pain.

[APeacefulWarrior]

Well, first, at the risk of sounding glib, I'd mention that acceptance IS an action. Or at least a re-action. The point of catalyst is to react to it. Then, both in life and afterwards, you reflect on your reactions and attempt to learn from them.

Otherwise, to me, this portion of the transcript sounds like it would be most applicable to your situation:

So we would commend you to the activity of engaging with the world around in such a way that you may transform the world for the better, even as you seek to transform your response to the world for the better, and thereby to transform yourself and that little portion of the being of others which has joined you in your experience of your selfhood in this life.

It sounds like you're already working towards this, with your tutoring. It says a lot that one of the activities which gives you the most comfort is apparently also the most helpful to other-selves, don't you think? So if you want a single suggestion, it would be to continue doing those things which are mutually helpful to both yourself and others, while attempting to focus your thoughts on the good being done rather than dwelling on the bad.

I'd also suggest you use this as a time to reflect and meditate on patience. Think of the Hanged Man in the tarot. Everyone goes through periods where it seems that they've stagnated or that desired changes aren't coming as quickly as they'd like. Every life has its times of fast action and periods of slowdown. However, such periods are also a great opportunity to reflect on one's self, one's goals, and one's plans for the future. Perhaps you could look on this as an opportunity to focus on growing yourself internally. The inner flower often blooms in quiet times, so to speak.

Either way, I'd warn against being too concerned with comparisons between others. Your pain is your own, and the fact that there are others who are suffering more doesn't negate it. Each person is on their own path, and each experiences their own challenges/catalyst. None is better or worse than any other, and the existence of Catalyst A has no direct impact on the importance of Catalyst B. It is all simply catalyst, to be experienced and learned from.

[Sacred Fool]

Sorry to read of your stagnation and distress.  It might be of some use to confer with yourself on the following topic: how would this being desire to grow and how to flower?  What aspects of self would be most meaningful to explore and develope as an offering to the One Creator?  

This is not necessarily an easy thing to discover on your own...you might need a little assistance. 

Wholehearted visions of that sort might give you some sense of a better place to invest your energies.  Perhaps then you can find a wormhole to lead you there?

[Verum Occultum]

What is your deepest dream? (don't answer that to me, but to yourself.) And how do you think you could move towards it? When you act in the direction of your dream and your aspiration, then you do not just exist, but are living and alive and blossoming with energy because that brings joy; the type of natural joy each being has understanding of. The attempt is important because you are always creating your reality and you can not stop doing it. The attempt, in any form, in any seemingly minute act, is that energy which transforms and changes both the inner and the outer reality. It must be reinforced by belief.

If you don't have a dream, then you usually don't feel highly motivated. And if it goes on, that motivation begins to fade. The motivation will be replaced by psychological barriers that are very real in experience, though invisible. It will keep you from doing this and that, and it will be felt by others. Let me tell you this: each being has a deep dream that exists at the base of their being. I am not speaking merely about a physical goal, but I am saying that each being is, at a deeper level, deeply comfortable and in-love with itself. And from that level there are feelings, concepts and pure magic that radiate infinitely yet are received and felt more or less by the ego of the practical life. I am saying that if you listen to your heart deeply, perhaps in meditation, it can possibly help you to find the motivation to transform your guilt into a different kind of creativity, a different kind of social openness. You do not have to punish yourself for being alive and experiencing comfort.

Others will not know directly your challenge unless you speak to them. Surely there are people who are willing to listen, just as there are people in this forum that are gladly your friends and helpers. I believe that communication is an opening to the universe which breaks the psychological barriers, at least to an extent. Communication from the heart is a force that strengthens bonds between people, not just metaphysically, but literally in real life experience. The universe [will/is happy to] provide for you if and when you believe that it is possible. It is a relationship.

My opinion is that guilt or the type of anger you are experiencing can be healed by forming genuine appreciation for each day and for those that provide you, those being your parents. Gratitude can be expressed. And it is most often received with gladness and reverence. I believe that there are many who dream of living like you do, and that alone should motivate you to live for them. Enjoy what you have. You never know when you might not have it again.

[spero]

i remember feeling somewhat similar to u when i was that age. i wished for adversity and struggle since i felt like i was stagnating in comfort and safety. lots of the early 20's was a period of adjusting to constant comparison of what others my age had achieved or mourning how i couldnt go back to the infinite potential of childhood and teenage years and the growing realization that i was becoming stuck within a niche i created myself but was unhappy within. it was a difficult period and i did end up seeking help and going on medication for depression which were suprisingly helpful. one thing i did find however was by the age of 26 or so all the things that concerned me immensely at 20 didnt bother me nearly as much anymore. surround yourself with good people. enjoy the simple things in life and pursue your passion and hobbies to the best of your abilities and stop measuring yourself to other people. mourn the loss of lost realities and lost time but know that life is fairly long when you really think about it, and if u live to 60 you'll have 3x20 year lifetimes under your belt. Just because you didnt immediately start your journey on the right foot doesnt mean you wont lead a wonderful and fulfilled life. just dont be afraid to seek medical help if u really need it or the pain gets too much. its not a failure and u use it until u dont need it anymore.

[sjel]

I believe that there are many who dream of living like you do, and that alone should motivate you to live for them.

that is huge, i never thought of it this way. this actually negates the feeling that i have to be unhappy as penance for having a comfortable life.