12-21-2017, 12:46 AM
Hello everyone, and thanks to this site for allowing all the wanderers who are waking up to share their stories.
I'm new to sharing this online, but in a way I feel like everything from my past has lead me here, to this very moment - a coming home of sorts.
I suppose my story would begin in my childhood. I can remember scenes of my life when I was about 2-3 years old, sitting on my moms lap like it's chapter 1 in a book or an opening scene in a movie. I feel like that was the moment I came to realize I was alive and in this world. I'm the middle child of 5 siblings, only boy. They usually say that middle children have problems because they feel nobody pays attention to them, but I never felt that way. In fact, I was very close to my mother. I know that the first lessons of love and compassion came from her. My father not so much. My sisters were as loving as I could have hoped for being younger and all.
At that age I felt I usually observed a lot, like I was watching and examining where I was at all times. I would sit back and watch other people do their thing a lot of the time, trying to figure out why they did the things they did. I would watch other kids play, look so carefree as younger kids normally do. And here I was thinking, why am I not like that? WHY am I different? What is it that's different. At that time, perhaps 5-7yrs old, I wasn't asking myself these questions directly, but in the back of my mind I felt "something" was off from the rest of the kids my age.
It was about that age, when I was 6-7 that my parents decided to leave central america and move to Canada to give us a better future. It was very traumatic to say the least!! It wasn't complete culture shock, but definitely traumatic for me. Language issues, religious issues, and the culture completely different than what I was used to. Those years were very hard for me personally, they made me feel very alone inside even though I was always around my family. I never said anything to them, never felt like they would understand what it was I was feeling since I myself wasn't sure what it was at that point.
Growing up my parents had a lot of relationship issues. I could hear them argue, could hear my mom crying after their arguments had gone quiet in the room. I would replay their whole argument in my mind and would pretend to be my father talking to my mom, saying nice things instead of making her cry. That happened a lot, I could feel her pain all the time, but at times it was too much for me and I would try to forget. When I was a little older I would go into their room once he had stepped out and would go in to console her in some way. It was never enough, her pain was too heavy for me to lift in any significant way.
Oddly enough, they are still together to this day. However, those times left their scars on me as well as their negative effects. I know subconsciously it made me view relationships with the ME FIRST mentality, or the love of self first! She gave me the gift of love and compassion, and he....well ME ME ME FIRST!
And so I grew up. Always had that feeling of being "extra aware" of something, but as the years went on I started caring less and less of the WHAT it was I was aware of. In fact, it made me feel somewhat arrogant and angry that others didn't feel that something. I started viewing the world as cold and cruel. Only stupid people care. Only stupid people love and give without getting something in return. I viewed it as a weakness. It made me hard inside, made me cold. Despite this, that something was still there. Like a best friend I love and hate at the same time. Like a bright fire deep inside a cold, dark cave. I was never cruel or mean on purpose, but it came easily because I figured that's just the way the world was. Survival of the fittest.
I developed a very thick skin, and very high walls to guard myself. Nothing would get to my heart, it has be closed off and left in the dark. But I was wrong. When the opportunity presented itself, I always knew what the right thing to do was. Even in simple things like playing RPG games on my computer, locked away in my room I would choose the good path, the path of the light. It felt SO WRONG to play as the dark side, felt wrong hurting people even if it was just in a game. The emotion was very real deep down.
The "something" followed me into adulthood. By this time, however, the walls of ice were very high around my heart. Nothing would get through, in terms of hurting me because the world chews up weak people. Always had trouble with relationships. I didn't know how to engage because I felt l couldn't relate. If I started having serious feelings for someone I knew they were quite deep and the intensity scared me a little. I couldn't open up fully. I guarded my heart at all cost. At times it was too much for me and I started drinking to get away from it all. The thinking, the questions I had inside, the SOMETHING would not go away.
In my late 20's I met my son's mother. She has quite a troubled past to say the least, but I never judged her for it. In fact, I know now that this was my genesis of my awakening. As we got closer and she told me more about her life it pained me all things she went through. If I thought I had it tough growing up it was nothing compared to some of the things she had to experience. I felt the need to protect her, to help her in some way. I started having serious feelings for her, and this time my heart approved. It was real. I loved her wholeheartedly. This was it, she's the one I wanted in my life, and she wanted to be with me as well. I wanted her to move away with me and have me to protect her because she had always had an upward battle to fight in life. We loved each other. It was beautiful. I recognized love and it recognized me in return.
There were ups and downs along the way, but my love for her never wavered. At this point I feel that I left out an important aspect of my story, one that I'm sure is quite related: ***Growing up, and in between those rare times I remember my parents getting along, we would all jump in the van and go out for a drive on the weekends. I would sit in the back seat and stare out onto the cornfields in the distance and ponder about everything. One thing stood out always. I wondered what my son's face would look like. I thought about HIM. The personality I envisioned was that of a boy. And so I would sit and wonder about his face, what he would be like, if I would do a better job than my own father. It was never more than one child I felt, always just HIM***
So his mother and I decided we would start a life. She left her old life behind and came to where I was living. It wasn't long before she told me one day, "I think I'm pregnant!"
Most people either freak out or are euphoric when they get that kind of news. I was frozen in time for a few moments when I heard her say it. Not in a bad way, but more like "wait, PAUSE TIME, lets review your entire life to this point. Do you love her? YES!!! Do you want to be with her? YESS!!! Do you want this??? Absolutely!" I let myself enjoy the moment. Yes I wanted it all. As the months went by and her tummy got bigger and bigger, we decided to find out the sex of the baby. We had a 3D ultrasound and found out it was a boy. I was beyond ecstatic.
The day he was born I will never forget. So excited and concerned because he didn't want to come out. In the end the doctors decided to take him out. I was in the OR with her, nervous but trying not to let it show. Then time stood still again. The doctor turns to me and she says, "here he is, here is your son!" First thing I said, "omg you are your mother's clone, you look exactly like her!" His birthday is only 16 days off from mine. I was in love with him, and with her all over again because she had given him to me.
We were all happy. Life was starting to make sense. But.....the something......still there, still lingering. However, it had turned to arrogance at that point. I knew it made me feel superior with others or that I could use it to get my own way in whatever situation I was in. It started turning on my son's mother. At first jokingly. Just a good laugh, but after time it became like I felt she wasn't good enough to be with me. Like I felt my son was lucky that he would learn more from me than from her. I know that started weighing heavy on her heart.
It was at this point that the feeling of something, or that extra awareness of something started to intensify. I started drinking more. I didn't want to think about it or deal with it because it hadn't done any good or been of any use really to that point, only to make me feel better than most for some arrogant reason.
One day at work, a friend hands me a little envelop and says, "here's a joint, thanks for helping me with something, enjoy your weekend." I had never been into anything like that before but I figured why not, let's live a little. That night I felt the awareness sharpen, like an old knife given a new edge. I didn't know what that meant again, but I thought there's got to be more to this, this feels familiar. I needed to know what it was I felt. I was going to chase it at whatever the cost. And cost it did.
As my seeking journey intensified, my personal life started going downhill. Relationship problems were taking their toll. She wasn't happy. I completely ignored it. Other things had taken priority, and I foolishly took the situation for granted. I still very much loved her, but all the clues that she wasn't happy were not taken seriously by me. This at the same time made me want to go deeper into my mind, to explore what it was I felt all my life. Things started to deteriorate seriously, and I found out she didn't want to be together anymore, she had found someone else. It crushed me. Nobody to blame but me. It destroyed my world. The pain I felt from that experience is the one true genesis of my awakening.
I had never felt pain like that before. Debilitated me for months. I couldn't think. I couldn't eat. I couldn't think of anything else but her. My son, the pain of knowing I wouldn't get to see my son on a daily basis destroyed my heart into a million pieces. Every time I had him with me was extra hard because he looks so much like her. I think I lost 20 lbs just from crying myself to sleep for months. Yet....something had been lit inside. A spark. An understanding of sorts. Love. Pain. How one can easily turn into the other. Felt like the warmth of that spark opened my heart and my eyes to something I had been ignoring all my life. The something started coming into focus. I knew love was the most important thing.
The seeking was the only thing that was constant during this time, and the only thing I felt I could still cling onto as I dealt with my pain. I would sit on my balcony late at night, light one up and let it take me into outer space so I could ponder and evaluate everything I was feeling. The answers were starting to make sense. The inner me was wiser than I realized. That little voice in my mind that always said to follow the light was getting louder.
I wanted to hear this voice on a more constant basis. I knew that my intuition shouldn't be ignored. I kept seeking more and more intense experiences of that clarity, that inner love. I wanted to know the source. I NEEDED to know what it was. Which leads me to the first time I tried shrooms. I had no idea how it would make me feel, but I always heard it opens up your mind. Open it did. There has never been a more intense experience than what I felt that night. I felt like I had been there before, it felt familiar. The clarity felt familiar. And it scared me. WHY THE HELL DOES IT FEEL FAMILIAR? I knew it was my inner voice, that intuition I had ignored all my life.....this was its realm. It knew everything about me. Like a crystal ball telling me everything I asked it. I remember a question I asked it. I asked "what are we, what am I??" The answer that came through, "you are not you, you are light, and you are very very ancient." It was wise beyond me or anything I had felt before. Such love, such compassion, such patience, such clarity. It was beautiful beyond words. I cried. And cried. Affirmation. Healing. Such weight off my chest. I cried so hard and genuinely because it was like I had always known but I just had to listen to my inner voice more. Love was the only important thing that we could give to others while we are incarnate on earth.
This intensified my seeking even more. I could see truth, or rather, I could see the lies behind everything in this world. As if I had been given extra vision to see behind everything I had been lead to believe. I got my hands on anything related to awareness and consciousness. It felt like pieces of the puzzle were starting to paint a picture I had known all along.
After seeking more and more everyday, I finally came upon the Law of One. It felt like that night my inner voice told me everything I asked it. The tone, the patience felt very familiar. It resonated with me like a harp! It made me whole body react to things I read. I have cried and smiled at the same time from the knowledge I have read. Love is the most important thing we can give other selfs. Give back. Unconditional love. Be a source of light in this dark world.
It has helped me come to terms with everything that has happened in my life. It has shown me the beautiful and infinite tapestry of synchronicity that we experience everyday, and the opportunity to serve others in unconditional love. A light in the dark night of the soul indeed!! And so I find myself with a new purpose in life. One that I knew all along deep inside my heart and mind. I do not feel alone anymore. I know now why I am here.
Let us all bring the light to this world!!
I'm new to sharing this online, but in a way I feel like everything from my past has lead me here, to this very moment - a coming home of sorts.
I suppose my story would begin in my childhood. I can remember scenes of my life when I was about 2-3 years old, sitting on my moms lap like it's chapter 1 in a book or an opening scene in a movie. I feel like that was the moment I came to realize I was alive and in this world. I'm the middle child of 5 siblings, only boy. They usually say that middle children have problems because they feel nobody pays attention to them, but I never felt that way. In fact, I was very close to my mother. I know that the first lessons of love and compassion came from her. My father not so much. My sisters were as loving as I could have hoped for being younger and all.
At that age I felt I usually observed a lot, like I was watching and examining where I was at all times. I would sit back and watch other people do their thing a lot of the time, trying to figure out why they did the things they did. I would watch other kids play, look so carefree as younger kids normally do. And here I was thinking, why am I not like that? WHY am I different? What is it that's different. At that time, perhaps 5-7yrs old, I wasn't asking myself these questions directly, but in the back of my mind I felt "something" was off from the rest of the kids my age.
It was about that age, when I was 6-7 that my parents decided to leave central america and move to Canada to give us a better future. It was very traumatic to say the least!! It wasn't complete culture shock, but definitely traumatic for me. Language issues, religious issues, and the culture completely different than what I was used to. Those years were very hard for me personally, they made me feel very alone inside even though I was always around my family. I never said anything to them, never felt like they would understand what it was I was feeling since I myself wasn't sure what it was at that point.
Growing up my parents had a lot of relationship issues. I could hear them argue, could hear my mom crying after their arguments had gone quiet in the room. I would replay their whole argument in my mind and would pretend to be my father talking to my mom, saying nice things instead of making her cry. That happened a lot, I could feel her pain all the time, but at times it was too much for me and I would try to forget. When I was a little older I would go into their room once he had stepped out and would go in to console her in some way. It was never enough, her pain was too heavy for me to lift in any significant way.
Oddly enough, they are still together to this day. However, those times left their scars on me as well as their negative effects. I know subconsciously it made me view relationships with the ME FIRST mentality, or the love of self first! She gave me the gift of love and compassion, and he....well ME ME ME FIRST!
And so I grew up. Always had that feeling of being "extra aware" of something, but as the years went on I started caring less and less of the WHAT it was I was aware of. In fact, it made me feel somewhat arrogant and angry that others didn't feel that something. I started viewing the world as cold and cruel. Only stupid people care. Only stupid people love and give without getting something in return. I viewed it as a weakness. It made me hard inside, made me cold. Despite this, that something was still there. Like a best friend I love and hate at the same time. Like a bright fire deep inside a cold, dark cave. I was never cruel or mean on purpose, but it came easily because I figured that's just the way the world was. Survival of the fittest.
I developed a very thick skin, and very high walls to guard myself. Nothing would get to my heart, it has be closed off and left in the dark. But I was wrong. When the opportunity presented itself, I always knew what the right thing to do was. Even in simple things like playing RPG games on my computer, locked away in my room I would choose the good path, the path of the light. It felt SO WRONG to play as the dark side, felt wrong hurting people even if it was just in a game. The emotion was very real deep down.
The "something" followed me into adulthood. By this time, however, the walls of ice were very high around my heart. Nothing would get through, in terms of hurting me because the world chews up weak people. Always had trouble with relationships. I didn't know how to engage because I felt l couldn't relate. If I started having serious feelings for someone I knew they were quite deep and the intensity scared me a little. I couldn't open up fully. I guarded my heart at all cost. At times it was too much for me and I started drinking to get away from it all. The thinking, the questions I had inside, the SOMETHING would not go away.
In my late 20's I met my son's mother. She has quite a troubled past to say the least, but I never judged her for it. In fact, I know now that this was my genesis of my awakening. As we got closer and she told me more about her life it pained me all things she went through. If I thought I had it tough growing up it was nothing compared to some of the things she had to experience. I felt the need to protect her, to help her in some way. I started having serious feelings for her, and this time my heart approved. It was real. I loved her wholeheartedly. This was it, she's the one I wanted in my life, and she wanted to be with me as well. I wanted her to move away with me and have me to protect her because she had always had an upward battle to fight in life. We loved each other. It was beautiful. I recognized love and it recognized me in return.
There were ups and downs along the way, but my love for her never wavered. At this point I feel that I left out an important aspect of my story, one that I'm sure is quite related: ***Growing up, and in between those rare times I remember my parents getting along, we would all jump in the van and go out for a drive on the weekends. I would sit in the back seat and stare out onto the cornfields in the distance and ponder about everything. One thing stood out always. I wondered what my son's face would look like. I thought about HIM. The personality I envisioned was that of a boy. And so I would sit and wonder about his face, what he would be like, if I would do a better job than my own father. It was never more than one child I felt, always just HIM***
So his mother and I decided we would start a life. She left her old life behind and came to where I was living. It wasn't long before she told me one day, "I think I'm pregnant!"
Most people either freak out or are euphoric when they get that kind of news. I was frozen in time for a few moments when I heard her say it. Not in a bad way, but more like "wait, PAUSE TIME, lets review your entire life to this point. Do you love her? YES!!! Do you want to be with her? YESS!!! Do you want this??? Absolutely!" I let myself enjoy the moment. Yes I wanted it all. As the months went by and her tummy got bigger and bigger, we decided to find out the sex of the baby. We had a 3D ultrasound and found out it was a boy. I was beyond ecstatic.
The day he was born I will never forget. So excited and concerned because he didn't want to come out. In the end the doctors decided to take him out. I was in the OR with her, nervous but trying not to let it show. Then time stood still again. The doctor turns to me and she says, "here he is, here is your son!" First thing I said, "omg you are your mother's clone, you look exactly like her!" His birthday is only 16 days off from mine. I was in love with him, and with her all over again because she had given him to me.
We were all happy. Life was starting to make sense. But.....the something......still there, still lingering. However, it had turned to arrogance at that point. I knew it made me feel superior with others or that I could use it to get my own way in whatever situation I was in. It started turning on my son's mother. At first jokingly. Just a good laugh, but after time it became like I felt she wasn't good enough to be with me. Like I felt my son was lucky that he would learn more from me than from her. I know that started weighing heavy on her heart.
It was at this point that the feeling of something, or that extra awareness of something started to intensify. I started drinking more. I didn't want to think about it or deal with it because it hadn't done any good or been of any use really to that point, only to make me feel better than most for some arrogant reason.
One day at work, a friend hands me a little envelop and says, "here's a joint, thanks for helping me with something, enjoy your weekend." I had never been into anything like that before but I figured why not, let's live a little. That night I felt the awareness sharpen, like an old knife given a new edge. I didn't know what that meant again, but I thought there's got to be more to this, this feels familiar. I needed to know what it was I felt. I was going to chase it at whatever the cost. And cost it did.
As my seeking journey intensified, my personal life started going downhill. Relationship problems were taking their toll. She wasn't happy. I completely ignored it. Other things had taken priority, and I foolishly took the situation for granted. I still very much loved her, but all the clues that she wasn't happy were not taken seriously by me. This at the same time made me want to go deeper into my mind, to explore what it was I felt all my life. Things started to deteriorate seriously, and I found out she didn't want to be together anymore, she had found someone else. It crushed me. Nobody to blame but me. It destroyed my world. The pain I felt from that experience is the one true genesis of my awakening.
I had never felt pain like that before. Debilitated me for months. I couldn't think. I couldn't eat. I couldn't think of anything else but her. My son, the pain of knowing I wouldn't get to see my son on a daily basis destroyed my heart into a million pieces. Every time I had him with me was extra hard because he looks so much like her. I think I lost 20 lbs just from crying myself to sleep for months. Yet....something had been lit inside. A spark. An understanding of sorts. Love. Pain. How one can easily turn into the other. Felt like the warmth of that spark opened my heart and my eyes to something I had been ignoring all my life. The something started coming into focus. I knew love was the most important thing.
The seeking was the only thing that was constant during this time, and the only thing I felt I could still cling onto as I dealt with my pain. I would sit on my balcony late at night, light one up and let it take me into outer space so I could ponder and evaluate everything I was feeling. The answers were starting to make sense. The inner me was wiser than I realized. That little voice in my mind that always said to follow the light was getting louder.
I wanted to hear this voice on a more constant basis. I knew that my intuition shouldn't be ignored. I kept seeking more and more intense experiences of that clarity, that inner love. I wanted to know the source. I NEEDED to know what it was. Which leads me to the first time I tried shrooms. I had no idea how it would make me feel, but I always heard it opens up your mind. Open it did. There has never been a more intense experience than what I felt that night. I felt like I had been there before, it felt familiar. The clarity felt familiar. And it scared me. WHY THE HELL DOES IT FEEL FAMILIAR? I knew it was my inner voice, that intuition I had ignored all my life.....this was its realm. It knew everything about me. Like a crystal ball telling me everything I asked it. I remember a question I asked it. I asked "what are we, what am I??" The answer that came through, "you are not you, you are light, and you are very very ancient." It was wise beyond me or anything I had felt before. Such love, such compassion, such patience, such clarity. It was beautiful beyond words. I cried. And cried. Affirmation. Healing. Such weight off my chest. I cried so hard and genuinely because it was like I had always known but I just had to listen to my inner voice more. Love was the only important thing that we could give to others while we are incarnate on earth.
This intensified my seeking even more. I could see truth, or rather, I could see the lies behind everything in this world. As if I had been given extra vision to see behind everything I had been lead to believe. I got my hands on anything related to awareness and consciousness. It felt like pieces of the puzzle were starting to paint a picture I had known all along.
After seeking more and more everyday, I finally came upon the Law of One. It felt like that night my inner voice told me everything I asked it. The tone, the patience felt very familiar. It resonated with me like a harp! It made me whole body react to things I read. I have cried and smiled at the same time from the knowledge I have read. Love is the most important thing we can give other selfs. Give back. Unconditional love. Be a source of light in this dark world.
It has helped me come to terms with everything that has happened in my life. It has shown me the beautiful and infinite tapestry of synchronicity that we experience everyday, and the opportunity to serve others in unconditional love. A light in the dark night of the soul indeed!! And so I find myself with a new purpose in life. One that I knew all along deep inside my heart and mind. I do not feel alone anymore. I know now why I am here.
Let us all bring the light to this world!!
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