My search for the truth

[Majana Silvo]

SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH

I want to share my life story. It might sound a little sad, but I think it was all meant to be. I guess I had to face some things and the only way for me to truly understand it was through the hard way. I also want to share that English is not my mother language, so my English will not be perfect, but I hope it is understandable.

I was a happy child. I had some connection with the invisible world and saw things that others did not see. But I could not understand this and it made me a little scared.

I had lots of dreams. One dream was when I was about 3 years old. I dreamed that I died. I drowned in a swimming pool. I saw my body falling down into the water and I was float above the swimming pool, while I saw my own body sink to the bottom of the pool. This dream has been so clear and has been in my memory ever since.

Also for as long as I remember I had many lucid dreams, but as a child I had no idea what lucid dreams were. I used to wake up and mostly there were people next to my bed, or other strange beings. Or I woke up in bed to find out that my room was different. I used to imagine a gate in the corner of my bedroom and through this gate I could travel to other worlds. Which I did, searching for my true home. I felt lost, I could not find back my true home. This made me afraid and sad. The world was very hostile towards me when I was a child. I became very scared for many things.

Then the UFO dreams came. UFO’s and aliens that came to me in the night to take me away. They really made me afraid. I have spend many nights covering myself under my sheets to try to hide from them so they would maybe leave me alone which of course did not work. I have felt many times like a lab-rat. I felt helpless against them. Till now I have never truly understood who they were and if they were “good” or “bad”. If it were just dreams or something else, that I really was taken by higher dimensional beings. The only thing I know is that they did scare me and they felt dark and negative, because they did things against my will. Many times I complained against them that they should leave me alone.

Other problems began when I went to school when I was about 5 years old. I had never learnt to stand up for myself and I had not much self-esteem or self-confidence. So when I went to school I did not know much about “evil”. So I could not understand when the other kids in school began to bully me. I have for many years wondered why they hurt me, made fun of me and did single me out. I could not understand. I thought something was wrong with me. I felt different from the others. No matter how hard I tried, they did not accept me for who I was. Because of this I adept myself, I did not liked myself anymore because of them and how they thought of me. I tried for many years to fit in and be accepted by the others, but it did not work. One day I gave up. I felt lost broken and alone. I had no friends no one wanted to be a friend.

I became very depressed. I thought that everybody hated me. And I hated myself because of this. Many years I had to fight to find the will to stay alive. I hated myself and I hated the world, because it was all so dark and so full of pain and suffering. I could not understand this world and the people in it and why they behaved the way they did. I was homesick to a place without pain and suffering. I blamed myself. I must be a very bad person that others treat me the way they did. I sometimes even thought I was not worth it to live, so I thought the world would be better off without me. I sometimes wanted to just die, just to free myself from the pain and the suffering. But I learned that suicide was no solution to end suffering and pain. It would only make the suffering and pain worse.

So I had to find another way to end the pain and suffering. They way right through the pain and suffering.

On one day I was again crying because there was so much suffering and hate in the world. But suddenly there is this green-yellow cloud in the air. This cloud is love and I feel the love radiating from this “thing”. I am surprised, because in the many years that I had hated, I had forgotten about love. I had not felt love in a very long time. But now it was just there hanging into the air. The love was so strong that I was completely flabbergasted. (I want to state here that I am not brought up religious, I did not believe in God or anything supernatural).

After that I still felt very depressed. But when I felt that I could not handle life anymore, then there was always this little something that reminded myself about this “cloud of love”. And that I had a connection into my heart with this love. When I did meditate I could feel this connection and this love. Then I could handle live again for a little moment. Even though I still did not understand it all.

After that, I was about 18 years, I promised myself not to ever kill myself, cause that would not be the solution. In the end I did not really wanted to die. I already was dead (because I had adapted myself to try to fit in, I was no longer ME).

I wanted to live, and be truly alive, and be truly ME. But I could not be truly alive with all the limitations I experienced, because of all the pain and suffering. And that was why I hated myself. I was not ME. I had adapted. I had become a personality. Someone I thought I had to be. Someone I thought the world wanted me to be. Someone I hoped others would accept and respect. But they did not. Because this was not truly me. I had become fake. I had to undo myself from this fakeness that was not really me. I had to become truly ME again. The me I always have been somewhere beyond it all. And I should not be afraid if others would accept or respect me. Not all people will ever like me and that was not even necessary. I had to let go of all fears and become ME again. And this was all I ever wanted to be, to be ME, to be free. Because I was not ME, I was suffering.

So that day I started my search, my search for the truth, a search for answers and understandings.

Why are people the way they are? Why is the world the way it is? And how do I become the real ME?
Why do I suffer so much and how do I stop it? What is the truth that can set me free? How do I end the suffering?

I could not live anymore because of the pain, so I had to find a way to stop the pain and transform the pain into something else, into love. And so for many years searching and reading many books, I have learnt a lot, but I am still learning how to stop the pain. I am still hoping for the day to come, that all the pain will be gone.

Since then I have changed a lot. I am not anymore that scared little girl afraid to live and afraid to die. The girl that wanted to be accepted by others and the girl that wanted to be liked. Every day I love live a little bit more and maybe one day I will be ME!! Every day I live a little bit more and a little bit deeper.

Along my way I did learn a lot and I wrote those lessons and thoughts down into poems. I started writing when I was 19. I share them all freely on my website, they helped me and if they can help another, if would be great……

And still I am searching
I am still searching
Myself

[Minyatur]

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your beautiful yet sorrowful story!

It might sound a little sad, but I think it was all meant to be.

I think realizing this is the most important step one can take and as such I believe you are definitely on the right path and can look forward to a brighter experience in what is to come.

You seem like a brave and strong soul, may you shine your light upon these lowly lands!

[Majana Silvo]

Thanks for your kind words. Yes, misunderstanding is the cause of much suffering. Misunderstanding and ignorance.
And to learn what we do not know or learn to understand what we do not understood before is the right way to go. And then we figure out, along the way, that we thought we knew and understood many things, while in fact we had many things very wrong. Life is interesting and not what we think it is.

[Bring4th_Austin]

Welcome to the forums Majana Silvio, and thank you for sharing your very touching story. I was moved by your ability to express the different emotions and feelings you had throughout your life. Your English is quite good, and I think you're a great writer in general.

The experiences you had with dreams and experiencing different beings around you during the night sounds very much like other experiences had by "abductees," or the more sensitive and inclusive term, "experiencers." Have you ever had any regression hypnosis done, or are you at all interested? I don't know if it's something you feel has left a traumatic mark on your life, but some people who go through such experiences have some trauma that remains unprocessed.

Last year I read a great book about such experiences called Abduction: Human Encounters With Aliens by John E. Mack, who was a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He approached so-called abductees from a clinical perspective. After he broke through the barrier of believing that something legitimate was happening, he began trying to understand how to help people heal and transform from such experiences. The confusion and emotion you describe around your experiences is very similar to how some of Dr. Mack's patients have described their own experiences. I only recommend in case you are seeking more answers. I found the book incredibly fascinating.

I was most moved by the rest of your story and how you describe your journey. I had a similar experience of "culture shock" when I first attended a big public school. I remember the first day of school after moving to a bigger city, I saw a girl trip and fall on the ground. I started running to help her, but then saw everyone around her laughing at her. She was okay and wasn't hurt, but I was so shocked that the other kids were laughing at her accident rather than trying to help. Then, like you, I was bullied a lot, up until high school anyways.

I think the experience you had of forcing yourself to fit in, to build a personality so that you could survive in the world, is a common experience for many, especially wanderers and those who end up on the path of the seeker. It sounds like for you it was a more more intense, vivid, and conscious experience than for most.

But the formation of a "persona," as Jung would call it, is a way for us to adapt to a society in order to have an interface within it. In other words, in order to live a full life where we are not constantly alienated by society, we have to put on certain masks. At a young age, we don't fully understand what these masks are or why we are putting them on (usually). We sort of adopt different social identities in order to be accepted by society.

I think that for many seekers, the initial stages of their awakening is when they realize that this is what they have done, that they have a "truer" self beneath the masks, and they begin to search for that truer self and try to find ways to express it. It sounds like that is what set off your own journey of seeking.

But that initial stage of developing the persona, I think, is an important step in development that is made extremely difficult by a harsh society like ours. I think people who bypass this step find difficulty in maintaining meaningful social relationships and navigating society in a way that allows them to feel free or uninhibited. For someone who never creates this interface with society, they might be limited in how they cannot experience connection with others in their social sphere, and become alienated even more.

There's a contraction and expansion process I see at play. From young childhood, we "expand" as a true version of our young selves until we are met with resistance by society. Then we begin to "contract" and pull in, forming habits, morals, identities, values, and other things that will make us feel more acceptable to society. Then at a certain point, perhaps once these things are full formed, we "expand" again, recognizing which things we have taken into ourselves only to be accepted. Our "persona" then becomes transparent and malleable. It still allows us to have an interface with society, but it does not restrict our truer self. And through this means, we are able to transmute those values that society has impressed onto us that might be distorted. By adopting them and then changing them, we help to change society itself.

I was very inspired by your description of this process. If you disagree with the idea of this process, please ignore it!

Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly with us.

[Majana Silvo]

Hi Bring4th_Austin Online,

Thanks for the kind and wise words.

I had many problems developing a "personality". As a child I wondered who I was, and did not really know who to be or how to act. Being ME did not worked, I felt not accepted as ME, so I addapted "ME" in a more "me" as I always see it. So I looked to others and tried what would work to "fit in", what was the "norm", but not my norm. But the joke was that nothing worked. But now I try to figure out who I truly am.....

I also agree with the need for a "personality" to be able to have social contact with others. What would a child be without a "personality"? Would that not end up in a mental hospital, or something alike or become autistic like?

But that somewhow has been and still is difficult, contact and an interface with society. I always felt and still do. And unfortunately I do not know many like-minded people in my everyday life. So it is nice to meet a few here.....and learn....and share.

I am not sure about the abduction stuff....I read a lot about it, maybe I did read that book you speak of too, I will check it out. I never did a regression hypnosis. I know those experiences were from a higher dimensional perspecive, I think 4th density, not physical I am almost certain of. And maybe more symbolic than objective, but I have not figured it out fully. I have thought if regression before, but never found someone or dived deep into finding someone suitable for regression hypnosis. But anyway thanks for the recommendation. I will think of it.

[Bring4th_Austin]

I can relate to still having difficulty in "interfacing" with society. This spiritual path doesn't help that much! It is quite at odds with social traditions.

I am sorry that you don't have many like-minded people in your life. That is such a major theme for wanderers and other Law of One seekers. We seem to be spread out all around the globe rather thinly, so that meeting up with others and growing a social circle with other similar seekers is quite difficult.

Regarding the abduction stuff, it's quite eerie and weird stuff. I only share it because got a lot of insight out of it and it helped me understand some of my own experiences (though they weren't as vivid as yours). For what it's worth, John Mack understood the "interdimensionality" of the phenomenon. Most of the cases talked about in that book at least hint at another dimension playing a role, if not the entire experience being within another dimension. He strongly believed that science cannot adequately study abductions with our current paradigm, and the interdimensionality is a big factor in that.

[Majana Silvo]

Regarding the abduction stuff, it's quite eerie and weird stuff. I only share it because got a lot of insight out of it and it helped me understand some of my own experiences.

I found the book you mentioned. I hope it will help me. I will put it on my reading list. First a few other books to finish reading.

I can relate to still having difficulty in "interfacing" with society. This spiritual path doesn't help that much!

True. The spiritual path only helps to connect with those also on it. People who do not have any spiritual connection / interest will only become more seemingly separate. I still try to learn and understand how it all works and how to "interface" with society. And to connect the spiritual knowledge with everyday life, to integrate it all and put the spiritual knowledge into practice...

[Stranger]

Hi Majana,

From a fellow traveler who has never felt at home on this weird and crazy planet, welcome!

I have a few suggestions in no particular order. Your description of UFO "dreams"/experiences reminded me very very strongly of accounts in Dolores Cannon's books. Have you read them? She used a particular approach to hypnosis which she developed to communicate with people's guides and unveiled selves. Often the stories that came out explained a great deal about the issues they've been struggling with in life. She formalized it into a therapy she called QHHT. Many accounts contain very similar experiences to what you've described.

Second, it's wonderful that you've discovered the healing power of love. You can take it further, and this will help your sadness. If you don't meditate, please try. If you do, then while meditating, choose to embrace all of yourself with love - including and especially all the aspects of yourself which you dislike or reject. Find the light in the heart, and welcome all of you into that light. Love yourself absolutely.

Finally, it sounds like you've had a fair share of traumatic experiences throughout your childhood and until now. These experiences stay inside us, distorting our experience of the world around us in ways that produce emotional distress, and they require healing.

You can recognize unresolved trauma by noticing when you have an emotional response out of proportion to the situation, e.g., deep sadness or shame when there seems to be no apparent reason to feel that way at that moment. To heal it, in meditation focus on that emotion, allowing yourself to continue experiencing it without judging or rejecting it. Find love/tenderness/caring towards the part of yourself that feels that way. Spend some time radiating that love towards it. This will gradually transform it.

This is the basis of a revolutionary healing method called IFS (Internal Family Systems) - it really works and seems to be the most direct way of healing emotional distortions.