The Experience of Being Bullied

[Plenum]

I dare say that many members on these forums have had the experience of being bullied at some stage in their lives.  This bullying may have lasted a short period, or maybe a longer period, but I am sure all will attest to it's destructive effects (mentally and emotionally) as well as any physical injuries/hurts that may have also been involved.

Bullying, at heart, is an assertion of superiority.  Superiority in viewpoint, superiority in experience, superiority in physical strength or standing in society.  Bullying is about calling attention to difference, and saying that someone's way of beingness (their mental state, their dress, their income level, their appearance, their chosen sexuality, or whatever characteristic) is somehow inferior to the one doing the bullying.

I myself was bullied when I attended primary school.  I was one of two Asians that passed through that school system, even though my brother and sister followed me a few years later, and we were at the same school.  But initially, it was just me (as an Asian), and another girl (also Asian).  She didn't seem to get too much negative treatment, as least from what I perceived.  She was actually really quiet and withdrawn.  I wasn't as socially inactive, and did more to make friends.

But I did get my share of bullying for the sole reason of my race.  People called me a "Jap", and there was a lingering suspicion of the Japanese because the second world war only ended a few decades previously, and many white kids got their stories from their parents and their grandparents.  They inherited the 'Jap' suspicion, and laid it out on me.  I happen to be of Chinese heritage by the way

So I was called a 'Jap', and a 'tricky Jap trying to invade Sydney Harbour' (the Japanese got some min-subs into attack range during the war).  Other instances of bullying: Two older kids, both quite large and physically strong, forced me to eat a worm once.  On another occasion, I was happily eating a meat pie for lunch one day, and someone comes up to me, grabs the hand that is holding my pie, grabs my face, and mashes my face into the pie.  That made me cry, which made others laugh.  Good times.

So physical bullying/abuse, and mental/emotional undermining by way of insults and undermining of character and race.

- -

things got much better once I got to high school (primary school is 6 years of schooling, then there's another 6 at high school).  It wasn't all pleasant, and I got to see my share of standover tactics (from both males and females) but I wasn't as much of a sole target.  There were a couple more asian kids around, and in the last couple of years, especially, quite a lot more transfer students (asian).  These other kids weren't born in Australia like I was, so the difference in language and culture was more stark.  But they didn't receive a ton of exclusion, from what I could see.  The high school experience was much better; definitely not blemish free - I doubt that a whole bunch of teenagers will ever not explore various power distortions over others - but happier, in my view, than the primary school experience of things.

After that, in university and my workplace, I can't say there's been much in the way of experiencing bullying.  There are definitely some nasty characters in all walks of life, people who impose their Will and Presence on others.  But in general, I've not been exposed to the deliberate demeaning and impositions that others have in their adult lives.

[Shemaya]

Important topic Plenum.  Experiences of being bullied can leave lasting impressions throughout life and unless healed and cleared, unconsciously affect our behavior and patterns of interacting with others.

My father was a big-time bully.  It was psychological/ emotional attacks throughout my childhood.  And me, being highly empathic, felt the pain of my 7 siblings and especially my mother. He was just horrible the way he degraded, and denigrated my mother.  She passed 2 years ago.  I think her auto- immune disease, that devastated her body, was a direct result of the bullying she accepted, and did not stand up against.

My mother had a big heart and only wanted to maintain the unity of her family, and be true to her vows and duty to God as she believed.  She believed in a Roman Catholic father God who taught that suffering was a sacrifice to offer God.  So that was what she did.  She would often " offer it up".  She had great love without wisdom for self- care, self- love, or protective boundaries.  

My father is really lonely now, still grieving the loss.  But he is unable, and does not have the relational skills to connect with others.  Enabling bad behavior really stunts growth and expansion of consciousness, which is the polarization of our light. I don't know what would have happened if she challenged him, but I believe it would have pushed him especially,to greater polarization if she had just stood up for herself. And her physical vitality would have been better, I believe.  That is judgement on my part, I suppose.  

Being my primary formative relationship, this has definitely been huge in my life, to understand and resolve the pattern that was so deeply imprinted in me.  

Still, I haven't been able to get away from physical manifestation of the pattern, which has been a big catalyst for me over the past 2 months.  It is interesting observing myself as I get through this catalyst.

[Bourbon Betty]

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bully

Obsolete. good friend; good fellow.

I have enjoyed many a bully, some more than others, some very little, some have had a hard time becoming friend-o's, others easily found their place in the cog of creative society.

But that is perhaps because I constantly go around apologizing to people if I happen to bully them, its easier than to not anyway.

[Nicholas]

Great thread opener Plenum. 

The school playground experience is probably the one we can most identify with. I was quite able to handle myself in those situations though because my bullying experiences happened at home. This would be better described as child abuse, however I feel these are the same issues involved, just with varying degree and impact. Whatever the degree though, it all falls into the category of seeking power, or as you say Plenum, an assertion of superiority.

It is easy for me to recall and share my experiences in this regard, however it has required a lot of inner work and transformation. I see my past drug addictions as a blessing because it proved to be a great catalyst in reaching that point of forgiveness and acceptance. I remember one Bring4th member using the term "arrested development" in one of my earlier posts, soon after interacting here. That term gave me extra insight into why I was feeling the way I was at that time.

So the assertion of superiority over me came by way of my step father. He had his biker friends visiting and we lived on the 3rd floor of a block of flats. These flats had an external balcony extending out from the living room. I was about 6 years old at the time when he felt compelled to pick me up and hold me over the railings of the balcony, upside down. In order to display his strength he released one arm so that I was suspended by his grip around one of my ankles. The traumatic part was when he faked letting me go. There was a concrete path down below and the fear induced in that split moment certainly "arrested" my development as a child. He immediately pulled me back over and put me down while laughing to his friends at his successful trickery. There were other instances after that but that was the most terrifying.

Many years later, my partner and I took a holiday to Ibiza for my 30th birthday and one day we went scuba diving in the mediterranean sea. Our instructor informed us that the bottom was 8 metres deep and to begin, instructed us to dip our heads into the water and just look down. I remember thinking "cool, I have dived off a ten metre board before so no worries". However as soon as I dipped my head into the water and saw the bottom, I had a flash back of that time when I was 6 years old. I thrust my head back out, took out the breathing apparatus from my mouth and proceeded to hyperventilate. After the 3rd attempt I managed to overcome this experience and spent a joyful 20 minutes or so hovering over the rocks on the sea bed below. Great fun!

Anyway, what I had realised after contemplating this experience of blind panic, was that despite forgiving those and accepting those things from my early childhood, I had yet to heal myself of it. Like the catalyst of drug addiction, this hyperventilating was also a blessing.

As for school ground bullying though, it wasn't until I was 16 and in my final year of secondary school that I experienced it. I had just moved to Colchester (Essex, UK) and on my second day at the new school, during maths class, I was offered some pot by a fellow classmate. I declined as I had never tried it before and was too into my sports to want to try it. Neither had I ever smoked. I knew my mother occasionally smoked it however and after returning home I said to her that I could get her some if she wanted. She went mad and first thing in the morning called the school to inform them of what had been offered to me, and by whom.

Oh dear  

During form period I was called into the headmasters office to verify the accusations made and the kid in question was immediately suspended. He was a popular kid, I was a newbie and instinctively denied the whole thing.
I was then threatened with expulsion and it was then that I broke down in tears and admitted to what had happened. However I swore that I would say nothing to the police! After school that day my mum was furious because I had "betrayed" her and was made homeless for 10 days after that. That was no big deal to me though as I had been in and out of care a few times, and was allowed to sleep on the couch of a friends home who I had met before starting at this school. The school, understanding my situation offered to have me transferred but I stubbornly refused, and thus my nickname at school became "supergrass". There were occasional kicks and punches by the "cool" boys but I managed to stick it out and stay out of relative danger. I was too well seasoned where bullying was concerned for them to beat me into submission.

In contrast to that experience though, after leaving school I soon started selling drugs for that kid. He was well known, well connected and made a fair bit of money. While I not only had a newly developed habit that needed funding, I also had a reputation that needed restoring.

Quite an adventure!

L/L

Nick.

[mjlabadia]

  Great Thread Plen!

  I think this gets to the real heart of the matter. I was talking with a friend about this on P.M. 

  I see a very common thread of childhood experiences on the receiving end of bullying, in our members.

 Most of the wanderer stories, and introductions,....include this painful experience.

 Like you mentioned Plenum,....my experience has been that unless there is some balancing and processing of 
 this painful catalyst,......it leaves us hyper-sensitive to how we perceive others feel about us.
  Sort of like having an "emotional sunburn".

 I know it exists in me,....and I see it to the extreme in my wife, Michele.

 I don't know why it seems such a common paradigm in the lives of those of us who are "awakening".
  All I can imagine is it too,......... is a catalyst that is crucial for us to process.

 As for dealing with it,........I can only speak of the times my feeble, and only half successful efforts worked. 

 When Michele is being "difficult",....(as I'm sure she perceives me at times).......I try to imagine what discomfort is causing her to 
  lash out. 
 Even more effective,.......I picture her as that cute but awkward and scared 7 year old girl, who was brutalized by her classmates because she didn't have the right clothes,......was a little too skinny,........and was brand new to the school. 

 It's very hard for me to do in the "heat of the moment".  I have to fight all of the resentments from past "misdeeds",....it's so very easy for me to slip into that "black or white" judgement process. 

 But,...when I'm successful,...and I see that scared 7 year old in her,.....I'm able to give loving kindness to the situation.

[Nicholas]

 

  I see a very common thread of childhood experiences on the receiving end of bullying, in our members.

I wonder if a common lesson is that of forgiveness?

 I don't know why it seems such a common paradigm in the lives of those of us who are "awakening".
  All I can imagine is it too,......... is a catalyst that is crucial for us to process.

This excerpt that Bring_4th Jim shared on January the 15th (in Carla's blog) seemed to affirm for me on a personal level what you are asking here mjlabadia.

I read to Carla from Your Soul's Gift where the topic of contrast and learning-through-opposites life plan was discussed: "In such a life blueprint, the soul plans to experience precisely the opposite of what it most wishes to learn. There are infinite shades and variations of learning-through-opposites plans. A common plan at this time in history is for souls who want to learn about unity consciousness--the Oneness of all beings--to incarnate into families in which they are very different from all other family members. The interpersonal frictions and even ostracism that result cause them to feel separate. The pain of feeling separation drives them inward and over time they come into a feeling-knowing of the Divinity that dwells within. When they sense Holiness within self, they are able to sense Holiness within everyone. They realize that Divinity permeates all things and all beings, that It is the very essence of all that exists. This awareness is the dawn of unity consciousness, a consciousness into which humanity is now rapidly moving."

[Matt1]

Interesting story plenum. I wouldn't say i have been deeply bullied, i did have a few people who were fairly mean to me, but i think those people were mean to most people who weren't in the in crowd rather than anything else.

[Jade]

I think when one has repeated experiences of facing rejection from others, their lesson is to learn to love themselves in the face of it. I, too, grew up bullied, mostly from family more than peers. My default mode, of course, was to love my family in spite of their negative feelings towards me. But my default mode was not to love myself.

It treads a line very close to victim blaming, but really, the only true path to overcoming such obstacles is to learn how to love oneself in spite of them. The truth is, a bully seeks out its target specifically. If you aren't energetically available to be bullied, they will move on to the next target. With family, this is hard, because the bully has usually weathered a rut very deeply from a young age within the victim to be exploited. If the wound is kept raw, others can also exploit this weakness.

I think the term we all know as "psychic vampire" can be applied to most bullies - they seek to cause harm and distress because in their weakened state, harm and stress generate vitality within them. It's very easy for a green ray entity who is used to levels of martyrdom to allow vampires to feed from them - in fact a martyr-y green-ray is probably quite a supple target! - but like any other blockage this can be worked diligently.

[Minyatur]

Dang.. I think I was the bully.

An exemple is that in primary school I would take some guy's lunch box and spin it to hit it in a wall which made his two yogourts explode and ruin his sandwhich. I did that far too many times... The guy went by where I live on a bicycle a few days ago and turned around to talk with me for a little while, guess it didn't traumatize him.

I loved to pick on people and I actually still do although now I only do it with old/good friends which well.. keep on calling me to do stuff so I guess it's well.

As a child I could be intense but rather than thinking I was on a power trip or something, I was more like an hyperactive idiot.

[Nicholas]

Dang.. I think I was the bully.

An exemple is that in primary school I would take some guy's lunch box and spin it to hit it in a wall which made his two yogourts explode and ruin his sandwhich. I did that far too many times...  The guy went by where I live on a bicycle a few days ago and turned around to talk with me for a little while, guess it didn't traumatize him.

I loved to pick on people and I actually still do although now I only do it with old/good friends which well.. keep on calling me to do stuff so I guess it's well.

As a child I could be intense but rather than thinking I was on a power trip or something, I was more like an hyperactive idiot.

*example 

Oh yes, the school lunchboxes...

I had such a strong fetish for sugar when I was at primary school that I used to sneak into the cloakroom during the mid-morning break and steal the penguin chocolate bars from the lunchboxes that were left there. I would then sneak into a toilette cubicle so that I could eat them. So I developed a process, step by step analysis in which to successfully orchestrate my needs. If there were no chocolates available then the neatly cut ham sandwiches would do. 

Reminds me of the lyrics from a song..."I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy. Because I'm easy come, easy go. Little high, little low. Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me....to me."

[Aion]

You mean one of the greatest songs ever.

[Nicholas]

You mean one of the greatest songs ever.

No, I mean the  greatest song ever 

[outerheaven]

I think a lot of bullying begins by testing the target, to see if they can get under your skin with a pointed comment. There's not a lot people could say to upset me. I have patience for days, and the ability to laugh at myself and not take things seriously, so I think most potential bullies realized that they couldn't successfully get the desired reaction out of me.

Now if someone wanted to physically bully me, they'd better be ready to throw down. My patience ends when someone wants to get physical, and then my blood is flooded with adrenaline and I feel like the Hulk and don't back down. Surprise!, very few bullies want to actually deal with that. They have too much to lose.

edit: I should probably add I had an older brother who was very antagonistic, and while he was rarely physical with me, he loved to try to engineer situations to get me to react a certain way so he could walk me right into some trap. He's kind of an evil genius. He was a great teacher for me; the lesson of not giving the negative reaction that someone is looking for still pays off today.

[Minyatur]

Then there's internet bullying too, like GRAMMAR NAZIS. *looking at you Nicholas *

[Nicholas]

Then there's internet bullying too, like GRAMMAR NAZIS. *looking at you Nicholas *

LOL!!!

At first I thought WTF!? Is there something I can learn here? Then I realised, yeah sorry about that! I blame Spaced for his pedantic, specific nature rubbing off on me 

[Nicholas]

Poxy smart arse memes 

[third-density-being]

Hello Dear Plenum,

Well started, an important thread for every Being trying to actually Work with Self.

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I also have similar experiences, but in my case the “reason” for me being bullied was my overweight as a child – at some point it was very significant overweight.
It practically lasted for over eight years – an entire elementary school (at that time We had 8 years of elementary school, and 4 years of high school).

One of my worst memories of that period was when I was beaten by eight or nine kids at the same time – I tried to run, but I was too heavy, therefore They’ve pin me down to the wall and were laughing while beating me. I was unable to cover my-Self against sixteen-eighteen of beating hands and same amount of kicking legs. I remember, I got back home bruised and very hurt, but I did not told about it to my Parents, because They would go to the school, make a scene and at the end of the day it would only get worst for me.

At that period of my life, I remember that one of my greatest wishes was to experience a day, where/when I would not-be insulted, called names and ridiculed. Unfortunately there were only a few such days in an eight-year period of my life.
Once, during the Holidays, I didn’t come out of my flat for a month, because I didn’t wanted to be insulted/abused. After a month my Parents were worried and They forced me to go out. I remember that I went to some park, where was almost no People. I’ve spend there almost an hour without meeting anyone and I was beginning to feel good outside (or actually to FEEL anything besides fear/anxiety of being hurt). And than, when I was getting back home, I’ve met on my path two drunks (older guys) who very harshly insulted me and laugh at me. I remember I’ve cried because of Them and for next week or so I stayed at home, until my Parents again forced me to go out.

I remember thinking at that time, that it would be so little for Other-Selves simply “not-to say” to me all those obnoxious things and my day would be so much better (great in fact). But for some reasons almost all felt compelled to insult me.
Even when I was going by the bus to some place in the city (I don’t remember what for), some totally random, older Lady asked me out loud: “Boy, how much do you weight”? – and the bus gone laughing.

Things like above were my everyday life for over eight years, until I grew to (that I guess) size that made Other-Selves think twice before insulting me.

---

It all left me with “inner Knowledge” of being “not good enough” to make friends with Other-Selves, to be accepted, liked, loved – not to mentioned to “feel attractive”. Latter one is beyond me even today.

I did not “solved it out” and I have no idea how could I accomplish it.
In that period of my life Human Beings showed me so much unkindness and at times even “evilness”, that I think I lost something within me at that time – some part of me (at least I feel that way sometimes).

It all happened so many years ago and I do not feel nowadays threatened by Other-Selves – and yet, at some deep level I feel unworthiness of Self and I tend to isolate from Other-Selves as a “preventive” measure. But there’s more – since than I have significant difficulty in initiating, building and sustaining relationships with Other-Selves.
I think that deep inside I have rooted this “rejection of Self” that I was undergoing for all those years, and I think sometimes I even reject my Self.

---

As a result, I’ve learn to be/live alone and to feel good with/about it. While for most “being alone” is a punishment, for me it is a Reward. I also do not have some of the “Social needs” my Peers possess (i.e. need to meet People, to interact in a group, to impress Other-Selves, to be admired, etc.). I think my experiences left me with “no-expectation” of Other-Selves and there’s not much I “want” from Other-Selves as well – expect to be “left alone” and “not to be bothered”.

I truly do not know how I end up Being who I am today – someone, who wish All Best and hope for Other-Selves to be Happy and not-being hurt, with need to support those who suffer and to protect those, who are abused.

However, even though I wish All Best, I’m unable to “experiencing happiness” with Other-Selves. I’m there for Beings when They’re hurt or abused – but when They’re finally healed and begin to feel Happy – I back down. I feel in such situations that there’s nothing more for me “to do”. It is hard for me to “find my Self” in such situations – therefore I usually am leaving such Beings “to be happy on Their own, with Other-Selves” and I’m getting back to “my world”, to be alone again. Each time I am content that Other-Self is Happy again – it is never “sad moment” for me. It’s more like a “natural course of events” from my point of view.

I’m always identifying Self with a victim in any given situation and from that standpoint I am evaluating/judging every (such) situation. I’m unable to laughing at stupid jokes, in which (for kicks) one side (a Person) is presented as a victim or is being brutalized/abused – and there’s a lot of those.

In fact, I find within Self readiness to be confrontational – or even aggressive toward every-One who hurt Other-Selves or even when someone is “only” stupidly talks about such things.
When it comes to such situations I can be quite an “intense Person” and at many occasions I "overreact” in eyes of Other-Selves – but from my point of view, it is They whom do not understand how it is to actually be in such situation/position. And as my reactions may be indeed overly intense, I perceive it as “preventive method” – for Other-Self, who “only” is talking about such things, He/She gets very quickly feedback, that such behavior will not goes without consequences. I only hope They realize, that if They would do more that “just” talk (if They would actually hurt Other-Self) there would be Beings like I, who would do more, than just “confront them”.

---

I apologize, I think I begin to be angry because of all memories and feelings this thread evoked within me.

Thank You, Dear Plenum, for an occasion to express all this.


All I have Best in me for You