Found the core of my orange-ray issue...

[Adonai One]

Through very momentary meditation, I was able to find why I have so much self-hatred and self-repression and it all started in pre-kindergarten. The teacher had given examples out of a basic phonetics textbook and I questioned where she got them from and wondered if she had just derived them from books we just read. She blankly and without emotion confirmed that she had and I took that as if I had done something wrong or had even embarassed her. Immediately I began to make myself feel shame at what I thought I had done.

Going further back I remembered upsetting my mother as a very young child (age 3-4?) and I came to the conclusion that I had to feel deep regret for my action, that I had to feel the deepest guilt in order for the situation to be fair for her...

This habit has continued to this day: I subconciously take the judgements of others and fully bear their full criticism. Only in my late teens did I begin to find this pattern intolerable to where I inevitably formed a great bitterness towards any blatant authority. I fully began to see my trust in the words of my parents, teachers and other figures had been wrong and these words had often been said out of only scorn for who I am and themselves. Yet the layers of criticism, judgement and condemnation still exist and will have to be dissolved. Over 15 years of self-hatred will have to be healed.

The lesson here is your worth is not conditional. You're always inherently loved no matter what you do. You're not obligated to be anything or serve anyone. You're not obligated to bear the judgements of others.