greatest challange. and appologies

[Avocado]

Before I get into this post I want to explain where I am coming from. This past year has been difficult for me. I've probably aged more this year than any in my life because it has felt like, more or less, a constant stream of adrenaline and cortisol, but it has been especially difficult recently. I'm sorry if I have ever been unloving on the forum to you. If I did hurt you it was unintended and not on purpose.

This forum, to me, is a place where I can feel harmony and love without worrying about judgement. It's unique. The problems arise when I get confused about the Ra material/relationships. I simply don't believe in STS/STO. I've tried but it just feels like I don't believe it. Our differences don't matter though when we are coming from a place of love and embracing others as ourselves. At some point I think I will use the forums to study the LOO and participate in the LOO specific forum in the process, but for now I am just healing and dealing with some very basic lessons through direct experience. Which brings me to the thing about speaking...

This is perhaps my greatest challenge. It is one that I knew that I was going to have to face at some point, even when I was a young child. My throat closes very rapidly in some situations and is difficult to open. When ever I meet new people this happens, or with people I don't know well, or with people I am not comfortable around or when I am not comfortable being myself.

I don't use masks any more. You either get me, some watered down nervous version of me who barley speaks, or anywhere in between. When my throat closes the creative, unthinking, free flowing voice shuts down and I also find it difficult to simply think of things to say. I could go in to further detail but I don't think that explaining my neuroses would be helpful or appropriate.

It just deeply saddens me that this is such a great challenge. I want to get a job because I know this will help me learn the lesson. I just feel like I will have a panic attack my first day. It saddens me because I had no idea it was going to be this painful when I faced this fear.

I made a list of self-optimization so I can empower myself as far as my consciousness extends. Like going to bed early and working on oneiromancy.

I hope I may understand what beliefs are keeping me from remaining comfortable in the face of strangers. I learned about cacao shamanism and it's use as a spiritual and psychoactive-therapeutic healer, not unlike MDMA. It's good for your heart, physically and meta(phopric/physically). I will be getting some and drinking it ceremonially. I will report back with how it goes. My intention is to understand and change my beliefs through love.

Podcast 334 – “The Alchemy of Cacao”

Thanks for reading.
.:peace and love:.

[Aureus]

I've been in a similar place, where I lacked power to keep 'myself' running.. What helps is learning to love yourself, I mean really love yourself. This love will stem from the lower chakras. This type of love is needed to integrate all aspects of yourself as you progress through your experience. The color for self-love is blood-red, and is the foundation of all else. From there you can also proceed to work on the succeeding colors through orange and yellow. Remember that your energy-body is dependent on your physical body, and vice versa.

Drawing energy through your feet and into the sacrum-area will work on your relationship toward yourself, and when filled, will continue to fill your remaining chakras. (keep in mind that consuming alcohol will damage your ability to draw up new energies greatly, and will not reach optimum for another week or so after intake. This goes for any amount)

[Avocado]

I've been in a similar place, where I lacked power to keep 'myself' running.. What helps is learning to love yourself, I mean really love yourself. This love will stem from the lower chakras. This type of love is needed to integrate all aspects of yourself as you progress through your experience. The color for self-love is blood-red, and is the foundation of all else. From there you can also proceed to work on the succeeding colors through orange and yellow. Remember that your energy-body is dependent on your physical body, and vice versa.

Drawing energy through your feet and into the sacrum-area will work on your relationship toward yourself, and when filled, will continue to fill your remaining chakras. (keep in mind that consuming alcohol will damage your ability to draw up new energies greatly, and will not reach optimum for another week or so after intake. This goes for any amount)

Thank you for the suggestion Aureus. This is something that I can begin working with immediately. I like how you draw the connection between self-love and the energy body. I will experiment. Self-love is something I really need to balance. I have been too hard on myself. I would try to do work on the self to such an extent that it paradoxically allowed me to accomplish much less work. I need to let myself relax.

Luckily I don't drink alcohol. If I had to go to a party I would drink kava as a healthy social lubricant. Actually, ritualistic kava sessions are part of my list of self-optimization. I drink the so called drink of peace to promote a sense of calm for several days after the session. In fact I felt more peaceful the day after drinking it than I did the night of.

[Aureus]

An incredible aid to the type of meditation I suggested, is to use crystals. Around 140g of black tourmaline, 120g of red jasper should give maximal effect. Ideally the jasper should contain as much blood-red as possible. The crystals are then held, or kept close to the skin, and will interact with and amplify your chakras. This method is very worthwhile imo.

[Avocado]

Well I did the meditation and had a wonderful time. I sat down half-lotus and threw all my meditation dogma out the window. I just felt the energy in my legs and in the earth beneath my house and eventually brought it into my red-ray. I felt a krishna/buddhic eastern avatar vibe and was delighted that I was able to let go and just feel despite the claustrophobia of the body, despite the drop in the pit of my stomach, despite the dense/anxious heart beat.

After I felt really hungry and I went to the store to get fuel for my body and made the most delicious/healthy kale slop I darn near ever had! I felt confident in public due to the meditation. I think I had a first yerba mate aided spiritual experience. C: It allowed me to concentrate on my energy body and let go of the density and fatigue of my physical body. This is good news because I will repeat this only with the powerful cacao deva spirit later this week!

Thanks again for the meditation Aureus. I will be investigating crystals as things progress... I actually had a dream I was standing on a pile of translucent red rocks last night!

How could I have been ignoring catalyst like this for so long? I can process emotions much faster and with less trauma from within instead of just barging into a job all foolhardy like. I just didn't want to accept that I am already capable of doing this now, today.

[Aureus]

I might add that I've found that the energy will build faster if I keep at least one foot on a flat surface. Although, indeed you should go forth in your own way, using your own discernment as to what is useful and not. I am however at your service, and feel it my duty to share when I see need. Glad I could help

[Avocado]

Ok cool. My therapist made me specifically do a flat footed meditation last time I visited her. I will incorporate these into my days and weeks and further experiment.