06-25-2009, 05:05 PM
I have never been very good at expressing myself. Words just never really could explain. What was the point, anyway? No one would understand. After reading what others have to say, I feel that maybe I can start to express it. Written, anyway. Verbally, I would not make any sense at all. And I tend to ramble, I'm sorry if even this doesn't make sense...
I have never felt like I belong here. I grew up in a big family, where I was pretty much invisible. Which maybe was a good thing, looking back. I hate being the center of attention. I've always felt that I was different, but didn't really know how. I don't think like everyone else does. I love the water. As a kid, we had a pool, and I could just sit there, floating in the water. Forgetting the world, and just loving being there. I loved people, but had a very difficult time relating to anyone. The friends I had just didn't understand, and I would become increasingly frustrated. As I reached puberty it got worse, a lot worse. I developed health problems that I couldn't express to anyone, out of fear. Friends I loved decided they liked to hang out with my sister or others more. I didn't get it. I was nice, wasn't I? I know I didn't like to sit and talk about cute boys and do my hair all of the time, but that wasn't important to me, like it was to them. My mother would get frustrated, brushing the knots out of my hair as a kid, because I didn't care about it, I let it be. Makes sense, since I have dreads now, I suppose.
I became increasingly depressed through my teenage years. I would just sit, and watch tv, thinking. I became increasingly afraid of social situations. My senior year of high school I couldn't even go to the cafeteria, with all of those people, who just didn't understand me. It freaked me out. Music and art became an outlet, which I never truly appreciated until recently. In high school my art teacher tried to get me to continue with it, since I understood art so easily. The fact that someone noticed freaked me out, and I stopped showing people my art. I didn't continue with the classes. Discovering my favorite band showed me a ray of light, gave me hope, gave me life. I found the wonder of music, real music (not awful pop on the radio!), which I continue to discover every day. It literally saved my life.
A few years back, it's hard to recall exactly when, a cousin of mine started to really get into mystical things, and would talk about just 'being', that we were all one. My entire family thought he was nuts. I didn't get it, at the time. I don't think I was ready to. I had to learn some real life experiences, first. Even though I have always been interested in the paranormal, always watching out for UFO's, believing with all my heart aliens were real, but were good, just from a different place. Why are people so scared? I became obsessed with astrology. I'm a Pisces through and through.
It wasn't until I transferred colleges my junior year, that things finally fell into place. I met people who I felt, at the time, understood me. It was uncomfortable though, when the attention was on me, and they would say that I was one of those Indigo people. "Riiiight," I'd think, "there's no way I could be as good as those people." I made friends who helped me overcome my social anxieties. I was able to go outside and exercise and finally live life! It was amazing. I always knew I loved the outdoors and sunshine, but was just too afraid to go out there, for some reason. Even with everything I learned, I was still too sensitive, taking things too personally. Some understood, but many would become frustrated with me. "You're always thinking about yourself, never paying attention," they'll say. "They just don't understand", I'll think, "I'm not thinking about myself, I'm thinking about how much I love you, don't you feel it?!" But still, I'm selfish. I'm not doing their dishes in exchange for sitting in their living room and enjoying their company. I'm not tossing them enough gas money, when they were going somewhere anyway, and I was just tagging along. Who do I think I am? My head was in the clouds, always. Still is. Most of the time I daydream. It's so much better there, where people understand. Wanting not to be selfish, I did everything I could and drove myself to the brink of literal insanity because I couldn't be who my friends thought I should be.
My cousin was always posting things online, and is a wonderful poet. One day, I decided to really give what he was saying a chance. I had gotten into yoga and meditation a while back, and then I came across the Law of One material a few months ago, and it all finally clicked. Everything Ra said made sense. It was everything I felt and knew, but somehow forgot, and could just never put into words. I cried with the joy of it. My cousin wasn't nuts, after all. He was the most sane person I knew. I used to think I was crazy and paranoid, feeling everything I did. Sometimes, thoughts, feelings, would just pop into my head. Those aren't mine... what are they doing here? I figured it out, they were other people's feelings, thoughts. It wasn't until I was able to connect with others, truly connect, that I figured it out.
And thinking back on my relatively short life, things started to make sense. My love of the water and the earth, just wanting to sit and think. Daydreaming to escape to that better place full of love and understanding. The world is chaos. People are good, but are so caught up in everything. I was caught up in the confusion. I still get caught up sometimes. I let my emotions run away with me. But it's a lot easier now to understand why that is, and I can get myself back in some sort of balance, which is a constant struggle. Too many people around still freak me out. Sometimes if I can make myself focus hard enough, I can block it out, but it is very difficult to focus. Yoga and meditation have helped. Most of the time I feel that I am destined to be alone here on this Earth, while I am here to do whatever it is I am supposed to. I am still trying to figure that out. I know I am here to live as example and to love, but how am I to do that? I have tried to give love, but people don't want it, don't understand it.
In my mind's eye I can see myself, as if I was just dropped off on my mission. I'm so excited for the love I feel I can bring. Earth is so beautiful! I set off, walking across the land. Which way will I go next? I hug the trees. Boy, do I love trees. LOVE LOVE LOVE trees. I have experimented with LSD, and every time, I can't not walk by a tree and not feel it, hug it, tell it how wonderful of a job it's doing, how beautiful it is. And I laugh with the love I feel from it in return. You don't get that kind of love from most people. Time gets to me, though. What is time, I say? I have to remind myself that it won't seem that long when it's over. Being alone through it all won't be that bad, in the end. It will be worth it, just another lesson to learn. And that's why we're here, to love and learn. So I try to concentrate on that. I walk through nature, thinking (or not thinking), enjoying it, hoping that I'll run into another wanderer as I wander, someone that understands. I never do. Sometimes, I'll sit and cry. Praying and praying and praying to whoever decides those sorts of things, to let me go back home. All I want to do is go home. Not to my family I grew up with, but HOME. People suffer, here. There is pain. So much pain. Why? There is not point. Why can't we just love each other? Grow our food, cook it together, eat and live and love together? It doesn't make any sense! People work non stop, doing things they don't enjoy, for money! Can you believe that? Money! People actually care if they have it! It's complete nonsense! Don't they know they'll be happier if they don't worry about it, and find a way to live without it? My family often gets frustrated with me on that one....
That's all I can come up with right now. Thanks so much for reading all that you did, and letting me share some of my story with you!
Love/Light!
I have never felt like I belong here. I grew up in a big family, where I was pretty much invisible. Which maybe was a good thing, looking back. I hate being the center of attention. I've always felt that I was different, but didn't really know how. I don't think like everyone else does. I love the water. As a kid, we had a pool, and I could just sit there, floating in the water. Forgetting the world, and just loving being there. I loved people, but had a very difficult time relating to anyone. The friends I had just didn't understand, and I would become increasingly frustrated. As I reached puberty it got worse, a lot worse. I developed health problems that I couldn't express to anyone, out of fear. Friends I loved decided they liked to hang out with my sister or others more. I didn't get it. I was nice, wasn't I? I know I didn't like to sit and talk about cute boys and do my hair all of the time, but that wasn't important to me, like it was to them. My mother would get frustrated, brushing the knots out of my hair as a kid, because I didn't care about it, I let it be. Makes sense, since I have dreads now, I suppose.
I became increasingly depressed through my teenage years. I would just sit, and watch tv, thinking. I became increasingly afraid of social situations. My senior year of high school I couldn't even go to the cafeteria, with all of those people, who just didn't understand me. It freaked me out. Music and art became an outlet, which I never truly appreciated until recently. In high school my art teacher tried to get me to continue with it, since I understood art so easily. The fact that someone noticed freaked me out, and I stopped showing people my art. I didn't continue with the classes. Discovering my favorite band showed me a ray of light, gave me hope, gave me life. I found the wonder of music, real music (not awful pop on the radio!), which I continue to discover every day. It literally saved my life.
A few years back, it's hard to recall exactly when, a cousin of mine started to really get into mystical things, and would talk about just 'being', that we were all one. My entire family thought he was nuts. I didn't get it, at the time. I don't think I was ready to. I had to learn some real life experiences, first. Even though I have always been interested in the paranormal, always watching out for UFO's, believing with all my heart aliens were real, but were good, just from a different place. Why are people so scared? I became obsessed with astrology. I'm a Pisces through and through.
It wasn't until I transferred colleges my junior year, that things finally fell into place. I met people who I felt, at the time, understood me. It was uncomfortable though, when the attention was on me, and they would say that I was one of those Indigo people. "Riiiight," I'd think, "there's no way I could be as good as those people." I made friends who helped me overcome my social anxieties. I was able to go outside and exercise and finally live life! It was amazing. I always knew I loved the outdoors and sunshine, but was just too afraid to go out there, for some reason. Even with everything I learned, I was still too sensitive, taking things too personally. Some understood, but many would become frustrated with me. "You're always thinking about yourself, never paying attention," they'll say. "They just don't understand", I'll think, "I'm not thinking about myself, I'm thinking about how much I love you, don't you feel it?!" But still, I'm selfish. I'm not doing their dishes in exchange for sitting in their living room and enjoying their company. I'm not tossing them enough gas money, when they were going somewhere anyway, and I was just tagging along. Who do I think I am? My head was in the clouds, always. Still is. Most of the time I daydream. It's so much better there, where people understand. Wanting not to be selfish, I did everything I could and drove myself to the brink of literal insanity because I couldn't be who my friends thought I should be.
My cousin was always posting things online, and is a wonderful poet. One day, I decided to really give what he was saying a chance. I had gotten into yoga and meditation a while back, and then I came across the Law of One material a few months ago, and it all finally clicked. Everything Ra said made sense. It was everything I felt and knew, but somehow forgot, and could just never put into words. I cried with the joy of it. My cousin wasn't nuts, after all. He was the most sane person I knew. I used to think I was crazy and paranoid, feeling everything I did. Sometimes, thoughts, feelings, would just pop into my head. Those aren't mine... what are they doing here? I figured it out, they were other people's feelings, thoughts. It wasn't until I was able to connect with others, truly connect, that I figured it out.
And thinking back on my relatively short life, things started to make sense. My love of the water and the earth, just wanting to sit and think. Daydreaming to escape to that better place full of love and understanding. The world is chaos. People are good, but are so caught up in everything. I was caught up in the confusion. I still get caught up sometimes. I let my emotions run away with me. But it's a lot easier now to understand why that is, and I can get myself back in some sort of balance, which is a constant struggle. Too many people around still freak me out. Sometimes if I can make myself focus hard enough, I can block it out, but it is very difficult to focus. Yoga and meditation have helped. Most of the time I feel that I am destined to be alone here on this Earth, while I am here to do whatever it is I am supposed to. I am still trying to figure that out. I know I am here to live as example and to love, but how am I to do that? I have tried to give love, but people don't want it, don't understand it.
In my mind's eye I can see myself, as if I was just dropped off on my mission. I'm so excited for the love I feel I can bring. Earth is so beautiful! I set off, walking across the land. Which way will I go next? I hug the trees. Boy, do I love trees. LOVE LOVE LOVE trees. I have experimented with LSD, and every time, I can't not walk by a tree and not feel it, hug it, tell it how wonderful of a job it's doing, how beautiful it is. And I laugh with the love I feel from it in return. You don't get that kind of love from most people. Time gets to me, though. What is time, I say? I have to remind myself that it won't seem that long when it's over. Being alone through it all won't be that bad, in the end. It will be worth it, just another lesson to learn. And that's why we're here, to love and learn. So I try to concentrate on that. I walk through nature, thinking (or not thinking), enjoying it, hoping that I'll run into another wanderer as I wander, someone that understands. I never do. Sometimes, I'll sit and cry. Praying and praying and praying to whoever decides those sorts of things, to let me go back home. All I want to do is go home. Not to my family I grew up with, but HOME. People suffer, here. There is pain. So much pain. Why? There is not point. Why can't we just love each other? Grow our food, cook it together, eat and live and love together? It doesn't make any sense! People work non stop, doing things they don't enjoy, for money! Can you believe that? Money! People actually care if they have it! It's complete nonsense! Don't they know they'll be happier if they don't worry about it, and find a way to live without it? My family often gets frustrated with me on that one....
That's all I can come up with right now. Thanks so much for reading all that you did, and letting me share some of my story with you!
Love/Light!
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