Scared, but certain

[Gray]

my names jordan, i chose gray as a sn cause i guess it seemed, right? well, lookings for answers with what is going on with me has brought me here for some reason. I dont care if anyone believes me, or thinks im an idiot or freak, this is the truth, and i cant escape it any longer, im just tired of hiding it, from myself. i dont really feel like posting a big thing of this, so im just going to copy what i sent to the webmaster of the site that referred me here...

subject: am i going insane?
body: the subject really speaks for itself honestly. My name is Jordan Jackson, im eighteen years old, and i was born in Tucson, AZ. i am half white, half black. im not enitrely sure of my ethnic decent to the que. someone said i look egyptian more then anything ha ha ha
but the topic at hand. i don't know why or how, but for years ive just been having these self evolving thoughts coming from literally, nowhere... about life, as a whole. earth, space, time, fate. like its this mathematical puzzle of pure simplicity. its kind of f***** up.
its just gradualy getting bigger and bigger in my head. like, i keep getting attraction to "the Law of One" as you put it, and for some reason, one half of me is telling me, i understand this perfectly and i know what it means, like its familiar. while the other part of me is thinking im going nuts.
thoughts of 2012 keeping nagging at me. i think im like borderline obseesed with it like its im going to prom with the hottest chick in school.. like something big i cant miss is going to happened, and for some reason i think it revolves around me, personally. so i figure if nothing happends then, im commiting myself, so im pretty much playing the waiting game. but something in the back of my mind says theres no way nothing is NOT going to happend. and as the date approaches, i feel like... im transforming??? idk.
like weird things have started happening lately. like i think i sometimes accidentally write reality. or make people say things like there part of a play that is my life. that "I" am reality, essentially. its happend on several occasions.
me and my gf go into a wendys to get some food. i make her hold my two ketchup holders while i grab the food. i started spacing out and get caught in random random abstract thoughts that have nothing to dow ith anything going on around me, as i do alot now, and thinking to myself. "i think when i get back to the table, im going to configure the ketchup holders and my fries to make a smiley face. maybe i should take a photography, that would make a pretty cool picture.-- blah blah blah" pretty fast thought. i get back to the table. and as soon as i sit down, she starts doing it. making a smiley face out of the fries and ketchup. then she says "look a smiley a face. wow i should have brought my camera, this would be a fun picture. i think i might take photography as a major next year" then something told me like "time is infineite, like a ball. there is no end and no begining. just inifinity" like that, i really cant exsplain it. i started having a panic attack under my cool reserved look... or the fact i havent been losing at board games or cards... at all... to the point where my friends dont even want to play with me cause they think im bad luck or rigging cards.
the thoughts i have with myself or so ludacris sometimes. i feel as though im not in complete control of my own thoughts sometimes. like one part of me is hiding something from myself. like there is literally another person inside me, but apart of me essentialy. i have this sense that i am destined for this big big big thing, that i am very very very significant to reality on a 'universal' scale, and the fact of the matter is, i work at a factory card outlet, blowing up ballons and stocking boxes.
ive also been getting sensitive to noise. sometimes the most silent sound is made and i can it sounds like a crash to me. makes me jump sometimes. not out of paranoia though, it just hurts my ears.
i mean, the info i kinda skimmed through attracts me, almost magnetically. like i understand the dynamics of what ur saying if almost by second nature. but then it tells me, your only scratching the surface of it, and i felt the need to correct some of the stuff you wrote on the site because u had it wrong in some parts, but i feel i cant even exsplain it in words.., like, i just know... I cant take the thoughts and ideas im having and shove them through the tiny filter that is my mouth.
so im taking it if something else ''weird' starts hapenning, im really going to start freaking out.. i just want to know if this all some kind of scam, or just an idea. and i really do want to believe that it is, for the sake of my own mental health. and its so insane that i am self aware of my own santiy coming into question. i didnt read too much into your site, just out of fear. so please please please respond to this ASAP.
i havent told anyone about this at all. my friends would laugh at me and call me a psycho, and my gf would do the same and leave me. so im asking, person i do not know. please get back to me. i just want some answers with whats going on....with me...

~Jordan

p.s
as days go by, i keep getting more aware of the sun. like im syncing with it, as if its a living breathing 'thing' er something. so yeah def get back to me on that.




Feedback would be greatly appreciated

[Ali Quadir]

You made me laugh, half white half black, ergo gray I love your humor.
Welcome, you sound like fun and I hope you stick around.

It sounds like you're strong in picking up the vibes from your environment. You're psychically sensitive. And the "drifting off" is pretty much how that's done. Our thoughts are not confined to our head. They are an integral part of the space around us. Usually we restrict ourselves to only receiving "our own". But we can just pick up any random thought out there. And it usually will feel like our own. Yet it's not. You can learn to "feel" the difference but this is not trivial. With loved ones it's most likely that you'll discover thoughts like this. Strangers don't usually come up saying "Hey you know what I just thought?" But that happens too and occasionally you get evidence for that. Like sometune that jumps into your head just before a stranger starts to whistle it.

It's weird, I've actually had a session where I was talking with a friend about some issues of his. Then we sat side by side silent for about 10 minutes.. No communication at all. After which, out of the blue I said "No, wrong turn. You're making the mistake now." Opon which he said "Get out of my head you @$@%^..." But I did say it at the right moment. He later said he figured it out. I honestly didn't know his thoughts. I just had the strongest urge to tell him at that point that he made the mistake in his thoughts at that point that we were talking about earlier. It felt like he took a wrong turn even if I did not know precisely where he was at. That was a good one. There are also people who believe I am part of the "Dark side".

You're right, many friends and people will laugh at you if you just go and tell them this. And if you were able to prove it to them they'd panic. Even those that are willing to believe something magical could happen won't be able to stare to the true depth of the rabbit hole. I had this childhood friend whom I thought would understand. She was part of a religious group that was very open to auras and energies. When I started sensing those I told her about it and her response was that I was lying that only saints could feel or see those. She did not believe it.

It's only going to get better. It's something that develops itself if you allow it and encourage it by positive affirmation. "I like this, give me more" "That was fun" and will slow down when you panic and try to hide it.

As for friends and family. I would not be too open about it. I've had only few successes in that area. And there are hardly any people who really get it. Don't make a big thing of it. Every person has a crazy streak. So you're allowed to have some quirks. If you accept it of yourself and are confident that it is no problem people will accept it of you.

Be carefull not to develop a christ complex though. You say you feel like you're destined for this real big big thing. Usually when people feel that they're picking up the real big big thing that's going to happen to them... AND the rest of the world. I think we should avoid getting needlessly messianic. Something big is about to happen that is going to have a huge impact on every one of us. So the feelings are true, but you can misinterpret them to feel that it's YOUR particular destiny to save the world. It's not.. I hope that makes you feel better. Figuring that out made ME feel better. I'm glad I don't need to save the world. I'm happy to be just part of a huge multi million individual group of people who are doing it together.

[fairyfarmgirl]

Good Greetings Jordan Grey:

When you are feeling as if you are losing your mind you have tapped into the collective consciousness... this is where there are thousands upon thousands of voices (thoughts) that are firing... it is akin to a giant Super Computer Server. This is not a place that will serve you at this time... It takes time and training to navigate these currents...

Begin by building energectic boundaries... I like the prayer: I Hail You in the Name of the One True Infinite Creator. I bathe you in Love and Light. This will strengthen where you begin and where another begins in "consciousness" although we are all One there are aspects of us one...

There are some books that you can read... the LOO is a place to start as well as books by Amorah Quan Yin, she and the friends she works with have some very good boundary boosting ways of visualization and habits.

There was a time when I was young as you are now when I tapped into the collective conscious... and it was quite an overload on my circuitry... I really thought I was nuts and so did everyone else... luckily I had the foresight to seek information and knowledge and apply it as wisdom... I began my path with the Michael Group and working with the mineral kingdom this is what helped me determine where I began and others began and to slow the information flowing into me to a comfortable and integrative level... A circle of Rose Quartz that you meditate in is helpful in this. Ameythst will assist you in expanding awareness and becoming clearer as a channel. A book to consider is Micheal's Gemstone Dictionary.

The clearer you are energetically the less there is for the "other peoples stuff" to stick to. Oneness is a process that takes the time it takes to reach. This process is dependent on your pattern of growth... some of which is predetermined before birth and some of it you create as you go along in life.

I would also venture to say you are and Indigo transitioning to crystal. We are all going through this process as well. It is all part of becoming into Oneness and transitioning to 4D to 5D. It is a process of accelerated growth and development that is oftentimes very challenging.

I wish you well, young (old) one...

fairyfarmgirl

[ayadew]

Hello Gray.

I'm very grateful to you for sharing this, it is very beautiful and fills me with love, and you are a beautiful person.

If you ever feel down, remember, there is no wrong. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way, or your girlfriend and friends for denying you, for in an infinite universe exists infinite possibilities, and they are all allowed. They are all distortions of the original thought, of the unity of all of us. You are free to forgive them for being themselves, forgive the yourself for being yourself and the creation for wishing to experience itself. You can chose love in every moment.

L/L

[Gray]

whoa, thanks. i honestly thought no one would respond or get laughed at ya know. but now i dont feel so alone. feels good to get it off my chest. i appreciate the advice and would like to try meditation. My muscles are always tense, kinda like im trapped in my own body. so its something i want to look into if you have any tips. plus i want to make either stop or control this collective consiounous thing.
i ras kinda over viewing the forums. so whats an STS or a STO? from what i got, one is light, and is one is dark? if all is infinite and in unity, shouldent there be an equal balance between light and shadow? i mean without one the other dosent exist. im not saying one is good one i bad, there just both dependent on another. i kinda brought this up because i have had these weird scary dreams that i either, meet my doopleganger, or i enivtabbly drift into becoming him, and side note, the weather is always horrifying, like you cant even tell its earth anymore.
then i was readin the law, which makes sense to me somewhat, so im just going to take a short in the dark here that reality is composed of a central infinite vibe coming from the center of the universe? we have free thinking and these vibes in themselves as well? so do they clash into the and the almsot infinite frequencys that come together between two sounds are actually demensions of potential and possibility? not to mention evryone elses vibes? can some of these be stronger then others if that is the case? which would kind of exsplain the whole octave scale thing?
im sorry im just curious of everything.

[fairyfarmgirl]

Meditation for the novice begins by being comfortable-- don't eat a lot of food or drink too much caffeine (soda, colas, coffee, tea, rockstar drinks etc) if at all possible do not drink any caffeine 1 hour before meditating. Go to the LOO (not LOO HAHA) and find a comfortable position to sit in.

Take a deep breathe and hold it for a count of 3 (count in your mind1..2..3..) then exhale. Do this another 7 times. You will start to feel your body relaxing.

If extraneous energies are an issue; sit in a circle of 12 rose quartz rocks (can get these at any metaphysical store, natural history museum, or emporium ) I like to use ones that fit neatly in the palm of my hand that are not tumbled (made smooth by human means)

Place stones in a circle around you while sitting in the middle of the circle before beginning. Try to make them as equal distance apart as possible.

Then begin your breathing. Meditation all begins with the breathe. Breathing in and out naturally filling your lungs and exhaling completely is where this begins... Imagine your belly filling with air as you breathe in your belly will slowly fill with air... Breathing out your belly empties and becomes flat again.

Then after breathing, say an intention.. Such as I Am that I AM. Thoughts will come up. Allow them to flow over you as if you are sitting in the middle of stream of water... the water flows over and around you... it does not flow into you unless you lean down and open your mouth (hahahha!).

Continue holding this intention in your mind... Say it aloud with your breathe. Breath In (hold for a count of 1..2...3..) exhale. continue doing this until your 5 minutes is up

Do this for 5 minutes from start to finish until you start to feel like you would like to expand your meditation time...expand by 1 minute each day until you reach a place where you feel like this is a good place to work for a while and continue adding time as you feel it is right to do so.

Eventually, your breathe will feel natural. and when you sit to meditate you will begin with your intention and then have moments of silence where you are in the Now and not moving forward or backward. IT is in the stillness that all becomes clear.

Stillness is a learned skill. Begin gently and small and expand slowly.

This is a good way to start... I am sure others will have suggestions as well. This is the method I use to teach children to meditate that are Indigos and high energy.

fairyfarmgirl

[ayadew]

I have an opposite problem with inducing stillness in meditation, if I sit down undisturbed I space out so fast people have to slap me back, haha!

The best advice I can give on meditation is: do not expect anything. Do not feel forced by any rules. You will manipulate yourself into something else apart from I AM, the archetypical state of existence. Simply be in the moment.

[fairyfarmgirl]

I have an opposite problem with inducing stillness in meditation, if I sit down undisturbed I space out so fast people have to slap me back, haha!

The best advice I can give on meditation is: do not expect anything. Do not feel forced by any rules. You will manipulate yourself into something else apart from I AM, the archetypical state of existence. Simply be in the moment.

Ayadew:

Did you begin this way... meditating into an altered state the first time you meditated or did this ability develop over time...

In the beginning I had trouble settling down... was easily distracted and could not focus... Over many years of meditating this changed and I developed the same ability you speak of... which is why I only meditate in the middle of the night when my children and family are sleeping... LOL

fairyfarmgirl

[ayadew]

Hello fairyfarmgirl.
As long as I can remember, I've never really been -here-, rather partly in intelligent infinity, or what you wish to call the 'personal space' we all experience in timelessness.
This has brought me much difficulty since I did not know how to handle it for many years, all information racing through my head making me insane. My hands melting through the thin fabric of this illusion. It was only until I brought some limitation such as prayer and intention in myself so I could extract what I could handle that I became more harmonious, and there I found LOVE. =)
I've cursed my head for so very long, I could not make sense of anything, not even knowing what is real, but now I'm finally at peace.
The infinity is not insanity, it is all as it should be. It is love.

I am also now also only consciously meditating in the evening/night, it brings less problems indeed, haha =)

[fairyfarmgirl]

I began meditating because I had so much info flowing through me... I also had to learn to slow it down... and that is why i began teaching kiddos how to meditate... The teaching I do happens quite naturally and in very unexpected places... such as the grocery store while waiting in line... at a park playground... just happens LOL that I am in the right place LOL at the right time for some kiddos that I am agreed to work with... very funny.

Some of these kids their parents say, he/she is autistic or he/she in manic or he/she is bipolar and doubt they will do anything that I suggest. It is glorious to live well and show others how to as well... the kiddos are always agreeable and the parent(s) are astounded and then scared. Scared that now they are no longer in charge by medicating or labeling their children into "normality."

fairyfarmgirl

[ayadew]

That's fantastic fairyfarmgirl! You seem to live a great life and it's very inspirational. It's been only 1 year or so since I began turning my mental struggle into something more tolerable and I'm very young. I've come very far in a short time, transforming my whole personality almost. This is a very joyous part of my time in this body. Who knows what I'll do myself in 5 years. In 1 year?

[fairyfarmgirl]

Very Well! I am young as far as a life span but approaching middle age... LOL... each year I grow younger and wiser. My roaring twenties alas were lost to me as a wandered and was not able to find myself out of paper bag... I missed so many opportunities while lamenting to myself that I was lonely. I was without any guidance (except the friends in the sky) and had to find my own way... I awakened early on beginning in 1992. There was almost no one awake at that time on the East Coast of the USA--- especially in northern New England... the ones that were awake were so afraid of being ostracized that they isolated themselves.... I was unaware of what was happening (didn't know what to call it... how to describe it...or how to harness my abilities) and this led to a lot of angst and anxiety and missed opportunities.

Now there is so much info! So much assistance from others... One does not have to search and search for info and assistance anymore...

I am glad you are transforming yourself. This is sacred work. What you do is what you will...


--fairyfarmgirl

[ayadew]

Your radiance is a great blessing, fairyfarmgirl.
Truly, our current world is awakening. People wish to live! People wish to KNOW for themselves, they wish to find out. I am filled with such love looking at this world.

Love and light to you

[fairyfarmgirl]

Thank you for your kind words. I am a work in progress. Lately I have been working on transmuting anger... It is easier than I thought it would be... to transmute the anger we hold in our cells from childhood and on and/or from past lives... It must be working if you are seeing radiance... LOL

You and my husband are the only ones that use these types of words... the rest of them run the other way....

fairyfarmgirl

[ayadew]

Yes, I too have so much anger from my childhood. 90%+ of the memories are genuinely destructive. And there is so much energy one can convert to positivity, to simply see the polarity of them, and extract the love.
"She was disgusting" -> "No, I only decided for myself that she was, then I can also decide that she was not."
If people become angry at me, then I try to hear them out without objection. Often, they only have the need to vent it, and if you do not reflect the anger back and simply meet with love they will quickly realise their folly in being angry. Such a simply action, turning another from turmoil to peace. So wonderful..

[litllady]

Your posts really hit home with me Gray. I hope you are not stil thinking you are going crazy and I hope you ask questions and get to know others here....to see they arent crazy.

Alot of things that started happening in my mind and thoughts also scared me. I pulled away from the LOO, then glismped back at it, then pulled away...inbetween I studied all the religions of humanity. I came to find out....alot of this stuff that was occuring in my mind, occured to many philosephers of our past, even thousands of years ago.

For some, it might be best to just do the part of being you to the fullest potential. For some, the understandings of the Universe is needed and they cant help but to be attracted to certain things. I would say....if anything brings you discomfort, step back and smell the roses, enjoy the sun set, enjoy the worlds in other peoples eyes, enjoy a smile on a child. If you ever feel the need to read into something, you may learn how to seperate your mind for htis, being able to always see it as 'possiblity' but never force the idea that it is a 'fact'.

I find it easier to just enjoy the roses, now and then I give my mind permission to wander*smiles*

[ayadew]

This story is so much fun.. it's a pity he didn't stick around

[transiten]

This story is so much fun.. it's a pity he didn't stick around

Hello Ayadew and Lynette!

As i've been telling i was brainwashed by a meditationguru and ever since i've had difficulties trying to meditate since it's conneced to extremely traumatic experiences. I truly wish and need to start meditating again and on sunday i might get some "live coaching" when we meet at Café Marmelad in Gothenburg Ayadew! Imagine yourself joining us Lynette:idea:

Liliane

[ayadew]

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars" - Oscar Wilde

Healing traumatic experiences is about forgiving yourself/others for being themselves and letting go of memories that no longer serves you. This is of course easier said than done... I hope I can be of help then

[litllady]

I do wish I could join in real (a wee bit jealous in a very good way). I hope you both are surrounded with great energies that will fill your soul Transiten with vibrations of healing your past wounds.

Embrace those that might have mislead...embrace those that are lost, yet they mean no harm. Forgive them, and yourself, for what ever it was or is. Its time to stop looking behind....its time to stop giving our past so much worry. Its time to learn how to just do, just be, just shine (I will try to take my own advice, aint that the hardest thing!)

Ill be thinking of you today, mabey take a walk for you and say hello to the trees here in Alabama for you. Blessings being sent, to and fro, on the way.

Love Lynette

[Brittany]

Hello, Jordan!

First, I would like to assure you that, in my mind at least, you are not crazy, a freak, a psycho or any of those other derogatory phrases society has come up with to express the idea of “difference”. I honestly don’t think *anyone* here is going to hold that disposition, so don‘t be afraid to say what‘s on your mind.

Waking up can be scary. I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s a very simply truth. A lot of people that get into this kind of stuff seem to think that it’s all fluff and light and joy and once you achieve enlightenment you can just float off on a cloud and never have emotional discomfort again. This is not true. It is the challenges and the pain that provoke the growth that leads you to realize that there is joy *in* pain, hope *in* sadness, and opportunity in every moment.

For years I went through a virtual hell. Like you all of my senses went on the extreme, though I’ve been exceptionally sensitive since birth. I can’t even listen to a lot of the music I used to like because the pitch has become intolerable. I was in and out of mental hospitals because I didn’t know how to deal with all the new emotions I was feeling and I pretty much had a nervous breakdown. I was being bombarded from every direction. I became aware of the invisible entities all around us, and not all of them were friendly. A few of them caused me a great deal of fear and grief. It took me years to get a grip on myself, gather my thoughts and open myself to the change enough for my soul to guide me to the information I needed.

Do not be ashamed if you fear what is happening to you, if it makes you depressed or angry or freaked out. It is dealing with these emotions that gives you strength. There is nothing wrong with feeling any certain emotion…emotions are the tools we are given in this incarnation to be able to function and interact. It is only when you let any certain emotion overpower and control you that you get stuck.

What you have described is being experienced by thousands of people all across the world, and I have to say it is very heartening to see other young people taking up this flag. You are not an anomaly that needs to be avoided, you are the future. You are what souls are striving to become. In my experience at least, the more I learn the more amazing things get. There is no end to the knowledge, to the journey. I can feel my thoughts expanding farther every day. Just relax and let that connection whisper to you. It will get you where you need to go.

Welcome to the site and bunches of love coming in your direction!
-Lynn