Shyness, being reserved, and unworthiness

[sillypumpkins]

Hello everybuddy,

So the last couple of weeks I've been visiting (and staying with) my partner's family. We've all met before and get along just fine, however there has been a part of me that has revealed itself to me under these circumstances.

I was always kinda shy growing up. I still am. Something about being around other people (specifically those that I don't know very well) makes me nervous. This has always been "normal" to me. I tend to recede into myself in a way. Not even just when I'm around people I don't know, but also when I've been living with my partner/brother, etc. The opportunity to hang out, watch a movie, play music, etc will arise, and I'll say, "hmm... no, I want to be by myself."

It definitely feels like a "comfort" thing.... like, being by myself is easier/more comfortable than being around others, so I tend to gravitate towards that option when it is presented to me.

The other day my partner mentioned that a couple of her family members commented on how quiet I am. Her family is quite outgoing which I'm not used to, and I'm sure they're not used to somebody so quiet living with them. Lol.

This sorta bothered me. Not because I was upset that they made a comment, I suppose it ruffled me up a bit because I know that I tend to do that, and it's something I want to change. I feel unworthy of other's attention sometimes. I expressed this to my partner and she said to me that it makes her a little sad that I feel that way, because according to her I am wonderful, cool, kind, etc. When she said that, it resonated with me. Like part of me knows I am worthy of attention, and that I am loved, I am wonderful, etc. However, another part of me was like ".... what?" like I couldn't reconcile with it, how could I be all those things? That's absurd! So there's a bit of a dissonance there.

I want to be able to be around others wholly, without being engulfed in myself. I feel as though it's difficult for me to offer service to others because of this sometimes.

I'd like to add that this feeling of "unworthiness" also permeates my "alone time" as well. When I am doing the things I really love doing (such as music), often times I'll sort of be like "what's the point?" Not outwardly, I don't say that, but I experience a feeling that resembles that question, which then leads to me almost "reverting" back to a certain state. It feels like there is a step for me to take that I am not taking.

Tied into all of this, I have difficulty relating to my self. I mean, I've read about people making lists about all their qualities and such, in order to get a better sense of who they are. However, when I do this I sort of feel like a phony. I don't know why. Like yeah, I can list all my "good" and "bad" qualities, but that seems sort of trivial compared to the overarching truth of who I Am, which is the One Creator experiencing itself as my self.

My sense of self has always been blurred in this sense. Who the hell am I? Yeah, I am a musician, an artist, a brother, a son, a partner. Is it really so important to identify with these roles? Or is it trivial compared to the identification with the One Creator?

The more I talk about it, the more it becomes clear that this seems to be a yellow/orange ray issue. Which are the two rays I have the hardest time "getting into" so to speak.

Has anyone experienced this? Can anyone offer words of wisdom here? That would be appreciated....

I'll probably keep editing and elaborating this post as more insights come to me.

thank you kindly in advance

[Asolsutsesvyl]

This stuff is tricky, because the way one's personal emotions work is often completely unrelated to what one knows and understands intellectually.

I'm very neurotic in terms of worrying about taking up others' time, energy, or other resources. At the same time, the result of caring a lot about that is merely the re-arrangement of how time, energy, etc. is taken up across space and time. And often not any improvement, when rationally examined. And I also see that those who don't care at all about it are all over the range of taking more or less from others; some of those who care the least about it take the least from others.

With you and attention, I'm sure you know that many don't care about needing a reson to get attention, at all. And many don't care at all about the "worthiness" of who or what they give their attention to. Attention is given or received however it happens, simply. And then, there's the opposite - those for whom it is tricky, with lots of consideration about the giving and/or taking of attention, a lot of emotional involvement with that, etc. And mostly it is totally irrational.

Rationally, most of the time what we worry about or feel anxious about is completely without consequence, simply not mattering at all. That's totally normal for humanity, part of the basic absurdity of the species and how it works.

This stuff goes beyond language, and those who have issues of this kind and then resolve it do so in their own ways, whether or not they get help to do it from others.

If you get in touch with aspects of yourself allowing you to change something, deeply felt, so that all is different, as it is felt, afterwards... Well, that's the "shape" of progress.

Before I dug deeper into the Law of One material, I spent years exploring psychology, and writing in a journal where I distilled ideas and personal themes, however my mind ended up arranging them as I went. It helped. (But all that work on the self over years was like the starter engine compared to the spiritual journey/rollercoaster afterwards.)

I can generally recommend efforts to write and explore themes in your own ways on your own, with the aim of making things clear to yourself (even if not clear at the start). Also, should the discussion turn that way, I know of a few books I could recommend on the general psychological area, though the focus of this community tends to be more immediately practical.

[Asolsutsesvyl]

I thought about the seeming clash between my pointing out how intellectual understanding often does not touch how we work emotionally, and recommending further clarifying things to oneself through personal exercises of writing.

The thing there is that clarifying things to oneself, writing being an efficient way to do it, changes how the subconscious mind deals with it. Emotional processing, and healing from trauma, is helped by it, over time. The connection between the conscious mind and the rest is not accurately understood at the conscious level, but this is one of those feedback mechanisms which allow some degree of reworking of the unconscious in a conscious way.

[sillypumpkins]

Thank you Asolsutsesvyl. I am about to begin some evening activities and thus will give you a proper reply tomorrow.

Thanks again and take care

[Alexis]

I can relate, I am introverted and when I am around more than 2-3 people especially people I don’t identify as a close friends (yes that includes family members) I tend to remain silent. Small talk like how the weather is or what was on tv last night aren’t conversation I find engaging.

I have recently been focusing on the connection between throat and sacral chakra. I don’t want to just talk more for the sake of making a conversation. I want to be able express myself without fear or judgment.

[sillypumpkins]

@Asolsutsesvyl:

This stuff is tricky, because the way one's personal emotions work is often completely unrelated to what one knows and understands intellectually.

For sure. My intuition tells me that the real "solution" is to feel these emotions totally and without judgement, and letting go of the need to intellectualize the matter.

I'm very neurotic in terms of worrying about taking up others' time, energy, or other resources.

I tend to do the same thing. I will often completely put myself out, sour my mood, make my life difficult in order to make sure I don't take up anyone's time, even if they're willing and happy to help!!

At the same time, the result of caring a lot about that is merely the re-arrangement of how time, energy, etc. is taken up across space and time. And often not any improvement, when rationally examined. And I also see that those who don't care at all about it are all over the range of taking more or less from others; some of those who care the least about it take the least from others.

Interesting perspective.... I'll have to mull this point over a bit more...

With you and attention, I'm sure you know that many don't care about needing a reson to get attention, at all. And many don't care at all about the "worthiness" of who or what they give their attention to. Attention is given or received however it happens, simply.

You're right on that. From my own perspective, I don't think about "worthiness" when I give my attention to others. It is simple, as you said.

And then, there's the opposite - those for whom it is tricky, with lots of consideration about the giving and/or taking of attention, a lot of emotional involvement with that, etc. And mostly it is totally irrational.

Rationally, most of the time what we worry about or feel anxious about is completely without consequence, simply not mattering at all. That's totally normal for humanity, part of the basic absurdity of the species and how it works.

There certainly is a lot of emotional involvement, for me at least. It very much does not feel rational. It feels like an artifact of the past that simply hasn't been processed.

This stuff goes beyond language, and those who have issues of this kind and then resolve it do so in their own ways, whether or not they get help to do it from others.

If you get in touch with aspects of yourself allowing you to change something, deeply felt, so that all is different, as it is felt, afterwards... Well, that's the "shape" of progress.

Indeed. Thank you for these reminders.

I can generally recommend efforts to write and explore themes in your own ways on your own, with the aim of making things clear to yourself (even if not clear at the start). Also, should the discussion turn that way, I know of a few books I could recommend on the general psychological area, though the focus of this community tends to be more immediately practical.

Do you mean writing and exploring themes in my life, such as this tendency to feel unworthy?

I'll reach out if I feel so inclined @ book recommendations

thanks again

[Asolsutsesvyl]

At the same time, the result of caring a lot about that is merely the re-arrangement of how time, energy, etc. is taken up across space and time. And often not any improvement, when rationally examined. And I also see that those who don't care at all about it are all over the range of taking more or less from others; some of those who care the least about it take the least from others.

Interesting perspective.... I'll have to mull this point over a bit more...

I could nuance it a bit by pointing out how, as I have seen, a bit of caring leads to a larger positive change, but all the rest of the caring mainly takes up time and energy without producing any result. Maybe 10% to 20% of the caring does almost all the good, all the rest of the caring being an "energy" which consumes much while producing nothing. Like running an engine which sucks fuel while driving nothing. I have become greatly disillusioned with my own caring, while still in large part still stuck in it.

Well, that's kind of what it means to be neurotic - it basically is to care too much.

I can generally recommend efforts to write and explore themes in your own ways on your own, with the aim of making things clear to yourself (even if not clear at the start). Also, should the discussion turn that way, I know of a few books I could recommend on the general psychological area, though the focus of this community tends to be more immediately practical.

Do you mean writing and exploring themes in my life, such as this tendency to feel unworthy?

For example. It's a starting point. You also already arrived at the themes of orange and yellow rays, and that could make for various other, related topics.

Basically, bringing some sort of meaningful clarity, or at least meaningfully exploring, in one's own terms. There's no definite one way to group topics or find starting points, or structure things. Over time, the relating of things in a meaningful way - whatever that personally means - helps the subconscious mind bring some kind of order to the chaos. This seems to be the key to the healing and otherwise helpful effects noted in studies I read about years ago. It kind of parallels ideas about the use of catalyst, in that different people may go on to relate things meaningfully in very different ways, and success is independent of what the personal ways turn out to be.

(The more standardized "Pennebaker writing exercise", studied in the processing of traumatic events and emotional upheavals, involves spending 20 minutes a day writing, for four days, and turns out to be of significantly greater benefit than group talk therapy, perhaps counterintuitively. But when dealing with something painful in the past, the topic of the writing exercise is one's deepest feelings about it.)

[flofrog]

Silly, I wonder if in fact through spritual growth we do not come often to a state where defining ourselves seems like coming to this melting pot where perhaps the experiences of several incarnations, at time, mingle and the veil becomes transparent for moments, and suddenly it becomes hard to define oneself as just, a son, a musician, an artist, a partner, and so on...

That confusion might be.a nice little sign, silly...

[sillypumpkins]

@Asolsutsesvyl:

Thank you for the further elaborations, it is appreciated

@flo:

sorry flo but I am having a little trouble understanding.

do you mean that through spiritual growth, sometimes we get to a point where defining ourselves looks like a "melting pot", (perhaps due to the experiences of several incarnations) and for that reason it becomes difficult to define oneself solely as the things we can identify in this incarnation? is that sorta... about right? lol

thank you <3

[flofrog]

Yes it is... lol, I always am obscure in the way I express myself

Yes I think as we grow, when attempting to define ourself I think we often find limiting to just say iam such and such, and I was wondering if some other things we were in past incarnations did not creep in... just a thought...

Obviously when we leave 3D we have access to all the things we did and “were”. So I think perhaps there are intuitive thoughts of that cleared veil... lol