Resisting sexual energy

[Surfboard]

Alright as I back track through emotions and get closer to my pain I find that I fundamentally feel as though I don’t have a choice.
I have lost free will so I also lost my abilities to express myself.

I think the reason I want to change genders is because I’m unable to process men’s sexual energy.

I find it too controlling and have relinquished my bodies control.

I’m a very sensitive person and as I imagined a vagina I feel as though I came in contact with my sperm.

It kept getting more and more excited and happy, and when it finally came out there was nothing there for it. It became severely depressed and hasn’t felt love ever since.

I guess I’m projecting the little swimmers pain and have some inner workings to do.

Has anyone dealt with issues of non identity and the feeling of lacking free will?

[AnthroHeart]

Yes, I have felt that I have no free will at times.
There is a saying "I am not the doer, the Tao is."

[Black Dragon]

I have difficulty processing some the same energies of which you speak, the more base and primitive sexual impulses that seem to stem from the "male" side of things. I've personally always identified as male, and been heterosexual, but did not identify with a lot of the stigmas and ways that society tells me those energies should or shouldn't be expressed like "guys don't call an animal cute", "guys don't show their emotions" blah blah blah f*** you I do what I want. These are morphic fields which have to do with patterns of how the male energies are expressed on this planet, and are background noise, although quite loud and persistent. What I'm saying is, these are not necessarily your own energies, or the correct expression of the male side of your own energies. Based on this and your other thread, I would say you have a belief and definition about male energy based on society's distorted examples, rather than finding your own balanced expression of it. You may end up in the long run feeling that transitioning to a female body is correct for you, but I'd wager a lot of your issue is black and white thinking. You are a unique individual with a right to express and balance the male and female sides of your energy in any way that feels right. I believe it would be best if you explored these things and gave them your own definitions rather than jumping the gun on any physical transitions.

[hounsic]

[quote='Black Dragon' pid='275203' dateline='1586975983']
I have difficulty processing some the same energies of which you speak, the more base and primitive sexual impulses that seem to stem from the "male" side of things. I've personally always identified as male, and been heterosexual, but did not identify with a lot of the stigmas and ways that society tells me those energies should or shouldn't be expressed like "guys don't call an animal cute", "guys don't show their emotions" blah blah blah f*** you I do what I want. These are morphic fields which have to do with patterns of how the male energies are expressed on this planet, and are background noise, although quite loud and persistent. What I'm saying is, these are not necessarily your own energies, or the correct expression of the male side of your own energies. Based on this and your other thread, I would say you have a belief and definition about male energy based on society's distorted examples, rather than finding your own balanced expression of it. You may end up in the long run feeling that transitioning to a female body is correct for you, but I'd wager a lot of your issue is black and white thinking. You are a unique individual with a right to express and balance the male and female sides of your energy in any way that feels right. I believe it would be best if you explored these things and gave them your own definitions rather than jumping the gun on any physical transitions.
[/quote

In the last couple weeks I’ve experienced a couple deep realizations regarding gender and sexuality. A big part of that having to do with labels that we impose on ourselves and others. In a lot of ways we are freer than we realize.

[Surfboard]

The problem goes beyond, it seems my identity comes from others.

I feel as though I’m stuck in red ray energy with one scary way out.

It seems that my only logic is to leave the material world behind and become one with earth and its inhabitants.

I probably would function as a mirror and only green ray energy would take me in which would help my gut bacteria.

I’m assuming this was a preincarnated choice that I choose not to accept. The time is now, yet I feel as though I have no balls. Is my only way around this pretending that I can become a female scientist?

Time after time again I feel as though I’m back stuck again, as I dive into my consciousness with marijuana, it opens a gate to intelligent energy which give me great knowledge.

Is my body broken due to me looking too far in or is it a sign that I need something drastic to save myself.

Is the best thing to do to follow my heart? Or the fact that I can’t feel my heart is reason I should rest.

I find most of my work to be subconscious and have no way of identifying myself without the material world.

Am I stuck on a different plane of existence? Will I ever know?

Am I fighting a mad scientist gene that needs to be female?

Or am I just trying to trick myself so I won’t feel the pain of my family as I go?

[Black Dragon]

The problem goes beyond, it seems my identity comes from others.

I feel as though I’m stuck in red ray energy with one scary way out.

It seems that my only logic is to leave the material world behind and become one with earth and its inhabitants.

I probably would function as a mirror and only green ray energy would take me in which would help my gut bacteria.

I’m assuming this was a preincarnated choice that I choose not to accept. The time is now, yet I feel as though I have no balls. Is my only way around this pretending that I can become a female scientist?

I hope I don't sound like a "physical male orange ray area", but pretending isn't the way around anything. I don't know what to tell you as far as a solution, I just know what won't work, and that includes; pretending, denying, not accepting responsibility, black and white definitions, letting societal morphic fields dictate your own energy.

[Aaron]

Send me a PM and I'll give you some suggestions.

[sillypumpkins]

Send me a PM and I'll give you some suggestions.

[rinzler]

I've been having problems with sexual energy as well. I can't stop myself from going after my urges. Sometimes it really feels like I don't have any free will. I've been carrying this issue around for years and never could figure out a solution. It just gets worse and worse. I've been following NoFap for a while and while it is encouraging it is harder than most people think. It is a real addiction that is often downplayed. It ruined a part of me. That's for sure I wish I knew how to overcome this difficulty but I have no idea how other than to try to resist the urge directly.

[AnthroHeart]

Don't resist the urge directly.

I found trying not to fap by sheer will almost impossible.

When I opened up my energy centers and balanced to a degree, it always keeps me
satisfied. I don't feel really aroused at all. There's no desire there now.

It may come every so often like it did 2-3 days ago. But I reached this state through exploration
of my sexuality.

I would look at arousing pictures and allow the arousal to flow up into my heart.
I practiced that a lot.

This is what worked for me. Take what works and leave the rest.

I hope that helps.

[Jeremy]

The problem goes beyond, it seems my identity comes from others.

I feel as though I’m stuck in red ray energy with one scary way out.

It seems that my only logic is to leave the material world behind and become one with earth and its inhabitants.

I probably would function as a mirror and only green ray energy would take me in which would help my gut bacteria.

I’m assuming this was a preincarnated choice that I choose not to accept. The time is now, yet I feel as though I have no balls. Is my only way around this pretending that I can become a female scientist?

Time after time again I feel as though I’m back stuck again, as I dive into my consciousness with marijuana, it opens a gate to intelligent energy which give me great knowledge.

Is my body broken due to me looking too far in or is it a sign that I need something drastic to save myself.

Is the best thing to do to follow my heart? Or the fact that I can’t feel my heart is reason I should rest.

I find most of my work to be subconscious and have no way of identifying myself without the material world.

Am I stuck on a different plane of existence? Will I ever know?

Am I fighting a mad scientist gene that needs to be female?

Or am I just trying to trick myself so I won’t feel the pain of my family as I go?

Wow there is so much to unpack in here, I'm not sure where to begin. 


First off, free will can't be denied by yourself. That's truly something you've convinced yourself of so let's cast that aside  

Ending your life will accomplish nothing except a repeat of the catalysts that you brought here. 

Honestly, I need some help understanding the female scientist thing or mad scientist thing. Tbh, your words are very fragmented and hard to understand. 

Have you tried not using weed? It has properties that can bring about schizophrenic tendencies in those susceptible.

From reading your other post and combining it with this one, I get a sense that rather than transitioning, you just haven't accepted yourself or found what brings you joy about your self. Rather than a red ray expression, it sounds more like orange ray with your personal feeling of lacking.

Can you elaborate on the not understanding male energy and why you find it controlling?

My honest opinion is that you're making this more difficult than it should be. You're letting your mind get the better of you rather than trusting your heart. 

When meditating, maybe try being at peace. Not digging so much. I guess what I'm saying is calm down a bit and let it be for a bit.

[Hilarion]

Time after time again I feel as though I’m back stuck again, as I dive into my consciousness with marijuana, it opens a gate to intelligent energy which give me great knowledge.

I would agree about the weed. It sounds like it is causing you big problems. All serious meditation traditions explore their conciousness by avoiding substances and keeping the diet and routine as bland and regimented as possible to keep the fluctuations of the mind to a minimum. From this baseline of peace and silence any inner experiences stand out in a very clear way, like noise on a quiet day. When I come to conclusions about myself it is usually through deep meditation and reflection of internal feeling that I can spend months if not years identifying understanding and talking about with others. Dellusions tend to fade away given the scrutiny of time. Even then the thoughts, imbalances and distortions don't really matter, what is important is the awareness of the present moment and keeping the mind balanced and clear while experiencing what comes up and letting it pass. Right now it sounds like you need to not be attached to your thought process. In a non-judgemental way just let them come and go while you focus on the present moment.